Had to laugh

DrinaJGB

Don't you just love it when you are talking to a friend who hasn't seen you in many years and they say to you that they know what you are going through---because their friend's husband has dementia?????Effing clueless.

Ed1937

DrinaJGB wrote:

Effing clueless.

Nobody here will argue against that.

Scooterr

My gosh I know what you mean. Myself, I wish they would not even bring it up, I don't care if they know someone, who knows someone with dementia and they understand. I hate to sound so callus, but I get tired of hearing people who's never been in the position or volunteered in the caregivers world. Your right totally clueless, they can keep their understanding to themselves.

Crushed

I was recently at an event and a lady said  I think I know how you feel, my husband died of Alzheimer's two years ago after 10 years of decline.  Its rough

 I gave her a big hug 

Buggsroo

Drina,

Your post made me laugh a lot. Not out of spite, just know where you are coming from. My friends don’t get my situation, I dread the sympathy train. I will say, I had no idea what living with someone who has Alzheimer’s was like until I was living with one. Now, anyone who says they know what I am going through, will get the side eye until they tell me they are living with someone who has dementia. 

I notice that some old friends have disappeared whereas others tell me I am brave etc. Frigging annoying but I try to cut some slack, I was guilty of the platitudes as well. Hang in there, we get it here in this forum.

CStrope

I have a friend that I've known from high school that continually texts and calls to "be there for me".  The problem is as soon as we start talking she manages to make me feel horrible, so I just avoid her.  She has a friend (Barb, who I do not know), who's SO has Alzheimer's and has been 1000 miles away in the care of his sister for over 2 years.  Barb is now moving so that she can "help" with his care.  This of course makes my high school friend think she knows and understands everything about Alzheimer's.  The last time I made the mistake of picking up the phone when she called her topic to show me how understanding she was centered around telling me how "Barb" was having to clean up urine all over the house because her SO had made messes.  As she relayed the story she was chuckling and saying OMG can you imagine what you're going to have to do.  

I abruptly hung up and haven't talked to her since.....that was October.  She did leave me a message once and asked me if I was upset with her, that maybe she wasn't being as sensitive as she could have been!  Ya' think!!!

PlentyQuiet

I came across this response to a question on a blog I follow (nothing to do with AD). She sums up my thoughts on people understanding and being helpful:

JD says

March 16, 2022 at 11:30 am

When people say things like, “You need to take care of yourself. Take a nap, let some things go.” This is usually friends and even some family saying this. I know they mean well, so I try not to get ticked off, but I feel like snapping back:

Fine, are you coming over to do my laundry? Weed my garden? Get my bills taken care of? Cook my meals? Shop for my groceries? Help me with my job?

Are you going to visit my husband several times a week? See that his meds are re-ordered and then deliver them to him? Get his consumable supplies he needs in his room replaced? Get him a new pair of glasses? Take him to the doctors? Take me to the doctor that I have to travel 2 hours each way to see? Take care of all his paperwork?

Will you gas up my car? Check my tires? Take my car for an oil change? Clean my house? Check my mail? Feed and water my dog? Take her to the vet? Because then I can get that nap.

I don’t say it, but sometimes I really, really want to. I fight the irritation, because I know they only say it out of concern. I’m sure I’ve done the same thing to others. 

She gave permission for me to share her words, they hit the right notes of exasperation and frustration.

May flowers

Reminds me of a text my brother sent me… decades ago, my sister and I took care of my mom with ALS (very fast progressing) to the very end. He controlled the finances but he never visited her the last several months of her life even though he lived in the same neighborhood. So, last week, he was complaining to my sister and I that he hadn’t heard from anyone since Christmas. My response was that I had been taking care of my FIL who required 24/7 and cannot do anything on his own.

He said, “I know how that is, I can relate”.

My sister and I talked about how absurd that statement was. He has never, ever had to take care of someone who was sick much less someone with dementia. I was tempted to ask who he had to take care of 24/7 with dementia but I just ignored it, lol.

DrinaJGB

It's comforting to know I am not alone in this absurd charade of well-meaning but clueless individuals who make our journey even more frustrating.

 All we can do is ignore these ignorant and lame declarations from ones who do not have an inkling of what we go through on a daily basis as they saunter through their lives in utter and complete oblivion.

Onward through the fog....

toolbeltexpert

My dw has a friend she writes to in another state 1000miles away. The friend called our home phone which is forwarded to my cell,she seemed surprised that I answered and said she called to talk to dw, she said she seems fine,she wrote a such a nice letter. Ha, that nice card took 2 months to write, covered 1 subject, hearing aides and a sentence of  chit chat. She says her nieghbor upstairs has dementia and she checks on her every day. She really thinks dw is doing fine from the content of a a thinking of you card. She has zero idea,not a clue, dw repeated herself a couple times in the call,I wonder if it changed her friends mind about how she's doing. This happened Wednesday I just got to post about it. I do want to say this friend is really kind to write my dw several times a year and that means so much to her. It just kinda bugged me when she said she sounds fine.