Resentment(2)

Gig Harbor

I have thought long and hard about why I feel resentment towards my husband instead of the overwhelming love that others feel towards their spouses. Without therapy I came to this conclusion. When we first married he said he wasn’t good at finances and I was so much better so he would let me do it. I tried to teach him but he resisted so I gave up and did it. Same scenario with planning vacations. He always praised my choices but refused to ever book a trip. Now cooking - he said he never learned to cook and didn’t want to but if I was tired of cooking we could always go out for a meal. He always praised my cooking. Grocery shopping was left to me. Cleaning house left to me while he did the yard work. For him yard work was mowing but weeding was left to me. We had a family so divorce would not have been a consideration and besides he was kind and loving but just didn’t want to help out and really thought it was “woman’s work”. He grew up with a mother who took care of his dad who worked two jobs. I worked full time and often worked nights to make it work for our family. Fast forward to today and I have to do everything plus fight with him to take showers and put on clean clothes. I am tired of being the responsible one. 52 years is long enough. When I feel guilty about placing him sooner rather than later I will reread this so I have no guilt. We had a happy life and did lots of traveling. Under the surface was this simmering resentment and dementia has brought it to the surface. He really doesn’t know I am his wife so my life is now that of a caregiver and I am ready to retire.

Ed1937

Gig Harbor wrote:

When I feel guilty about placing him sooner rather than later I will reread this so I have no guilt. 

Gig, I think you are using your head. I'm sorry you didn't have someone to share life's burdens with. But you have things under control.

Crushed

Dear GIG

I sympathize totally with the women who had all the burdens dropped on them

Just for humor My mother in law used to say that DW needed a wife and I was the best one available  I was a professor in Home Economics for 14 years    we shared the work fairly
 
 

Buggsroo

My husband did all the chores because I was a designer (still am) and I was always working. I realize now just how much he did and how lazy I was, so it’s my turn. Fair enough. However, I never told him he was an idiot and to eff off, well a few times during fights. I am grateful I can repay my debt. I have grown up by leaps and bounds and feel pride in being able to manage the finances, grocery shopping, cleaning etc. 

I get what you are saying. 52 years is a sentence. My mother felt the same way about my father, and I understand why you feel the way you do. This disease takes no prisoners.

CStrope

Gig Harbor I'm right there with you.  Not only did I do everything you mentioned, but I did the yard work too!!!  I agree, it is hard to overlook the resentment at times.  I've said this before, through my work with a therapist I've come to compartmentalize my life with DH.  I try to segment out the things that were going on before his diagnosis with what I have to deal with now, and even with what I'll have to deal with in the future.  Trying to work through it all at once is just too much to handle.  I am only 59, and hope that there is another chapter for me after this book is finished.

Beachfan

Dear Gig,

I suspect your feelings of resentment are more directed at your situation rather than at your DH.  Otherwise you would have left him by now.  I, too, created a monster.  I handled finances, kept the house, returned to work after the kids were born, and above all, raised 3 nice kids almost single-handedly.  (DH was a career high school teacher and varsity basketball and baseball coach.  I still joke that he raised everybody else’s kids.) We had a comfortable and happy life and I anticipated a comfortable and happy retirement enjoying kids and grandkids, golf, travel, leisure time at a beach house, the American dream.  Enter Alzheimer’s and it all came to a screeching halt.  Until  DH was placed in November, I was too busy trying to stay afloat to entertain resentment.  But looking back, I can see that for me, being a long haul caregiver was not going to end well.  I could easily swap out love for resentment. 

I feel no guilt having placed DH.  He is content and well cared for; I am rejoining the human race, slightly altered.  It’s more sadness that things didn’t turn out as expected.  You are clearly struggling with a monumental decision; my heart goes out to you.  Stay strong and don’t beat yourself up.  Truth be told, we all struggle with a simmering resentment over something or other.  It’s human nature.  You will be okay.  

Lynne D

Gig, you are not alone. It may be the situation, or your husband, or a bit of both. I wonder sometimes if my feeling resentment is an emotion I choose over sadness.

abc123

Hello Gig, You described my parents marriage. My mother did EVERYTHING at home and for the children/grandchildren. Now she is bedridden and living at my house for now. I am watching my dad struggle trying to set up housekeeping in the new house he bought near me. This is the first time in his 85 years that he has to do something major without her. I understand that you are ready to retire. I totally get what you are saying and I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you will find peace and something that makes you happy.

Quilting brings calm

Like abc123, my parent’s marriage was very unevenly balanced.  Mom did all the normal inside chores GIG mentions and whatever outside chores she could manage. Including wall painting, grilling, all the ‘business/ adulting’ in terms of bill paying etc, money management, doctor appointments for him, etc.  He did whatever yard work us kids couldn't do and worked on the cars.   He might go help his brothers occasionally.  He drank himself out of  jobs ( or ran his mouth and got fired or quit) annually for years.  Both of my parents were the youngest and neither was involved in caring for their parents except very rarely.  They left that to older sisters.

Now mom can’t do any of that and they are in assisted living, which he deeply resents and he deeply resents her. He deeply resents me.  He needs to be there just as much as her.   I placed them where I thought he’d have support  from the staff and in the area near me where I could do the bill paying, doctor appointments, errands, etc,  I feel like he should be giving back support to her for all the years she supported him. He could never even attempt what abc123’s dad is doing right now, 

Gig- I totally understand why you are resentful.  You are not only doing everything you always have, you are either doing or arranging to get done everything he did before.  And you are taking care of him.  Your retirement dreams are burned to a crisp and you don’t know what your future holds financially. Plus you are exhausted. 

Stuck in the middle

Gig, people with doctorates in the subject say only one marriage in six is "happy."  About 40% of marriages end in divorce, and the rest just muddle through, not ready to divorce but wouldn't do it again if there were a "do-over."  Please don't think "overwhelming love" is the norm and you are the exception.  People like you (and me) are the majority.  

You had to fix the flat on the house trailer because it was housework.  I get it.  Your marriage is a job and you're ready to retire.  I don't blame you one bit.

I also don't blame the people who place the loves of their lives.  No guilt for them either.  We do what we have to do.

Nowhere

Gig, 

My husband wasn’t a planner, payer, or organizer either. When we were first married he might have been able to learn/accept the roles, but he didn’t seem to see what was needed. He and I were born and raised on different continents and I attributed behavior to cultural differences (later in our marriage it seemed like other planets). He loved to garden and work outside chores, he’d help with whatever I dreamed up needed doing. He had a heart of gold and wore it on his sleeve. but I had a hand in all of it or it wouldn’t have happened. He’d want to be included in family card games, but seemed uninterested in learning all the rules. I thought it was a choice he was making, but now wonder if his brain even back then wasn’t wired in an organized manner. Perhaps he was genetically or environmentally predisposed to Alzheimer’s. I don’t know. But I understand your resentment and frustration. I know rage well because of Alzheimer’s both on my part and his. We loved each other and I still love him even though he no longer knows who I am. I was a trigger and couldn’t visit without him breaking windows to exit afterwards. After a year in this hell I learned to enter his memory care world in a wig/mask/accent as his barber/house cleaner. He would and still can stand, walk, dress, talk and not recognize he has AD. He can not recall immediately after it happens. He holds onto the emotion though. I’m full of regrets and resentment and am still working on accepting the unacceptable. As time progresses (he’s been placed almost 20 months) I am continuing to grow in my understanding. We have two wonderful, happy, successful children. Been married 48 years this year - he is ten years older and I was just 19.  I don’t have to like the whole journey one bit, but we had some glorious moments. He loved his children deeply and they him. He was/is the love of my life. 

At this point in memory care he believes and rooms with a female resident. They think they’re married. Her family is out of state. I appreciate her because my husband and she are calm(er) and in small safe routine together. While cutting his hair she is treated to a pedicure. It’s beautiful, sad, and truthfully tragic. I am so grateful I can still be a part of his life and watch over him from afar. It’s all his brain will allow. It’s what I promised him in marriage. This arrangement is of necessity on both our parts.

You’re not alone in your experience. I commiserate. Sending you a big hug! 

M1

Gig a very thoughtful therapist once asked my partner and me to guesstimate the "power balance" in our relationship.  It was an extremely insightful question and helped us a lot at the time.  Of course, that only is helpful to think about when both partners are fully functioning.

My first marriage ended because I finally realized a didn't have a partner, I had a third child.

jfkoc

I too was married to Peter Pan. It could be annoying but looking back it was a balance to my personality and when I married him I was a single mother raising two children doing everything. I guess I sort of continued.

OrganizerBecky

So, I'm not the only one, apparently. We married a bit later in life (I was 33/ he was 40). Had DS 3 years later and DD 3 years after that. He was the "big picture" guy while I was the one to put things into motion. I have always been one to want to keep learning and keep up with new ideas and technology. He would've loved it if everything had stayed the same as it was in 1975. 

I've tried to put some pieces together and I think he probably had/has ADHD as a child. Of course, this wasn't diagnosed in the 1950s/1960s, so he didn't get any help. He learned to get by on his jokes and being the fun guy, but that made it difficult for him to be taken seriously. 

At any rate, he gave me two wonderful children (now adults) whom he loves in his way. There was never anything tumultuous enough for me to divorce him and financially we both would've taken a hit, so it was just easier to stay married and now here we are. I've promised myself I'll take care of him as long as I can and then I'll make sure he's taken care of. 

ImMaggieMae

Gig, I agree with Beachfan who said that many of your feelings are directed at your situation rather than your DH, otherwise you would have already left him by now. Do you really think this “overwhelming love” of which you speak exists anywhere other than romance novels, grade B movies or Facebook? I suspect the vast majority just muddle through, happy, sad, irritated, frustrated, etc. You seem like a caring person to me, doing the best you can in this horrific situation with the rest of us. There isn’t one right answer.

Crushed

DW was brilliant in so many ways. But my favorite was if we were having an "argument" 

DW would let me have my say and then say "OK you are my lawyer I want you to make the best arguments for my point that you can. And I expect you to bring up anything I've forgotten"  

She would write down the points for both sides and then tell me which side I had won.   
I miss her so terribly  We had young children and she had a very demanding job.  But if there was a "romantic" opportunity I could expect a coded message that a nice lady had a little time. for me.

I use the word "romantic"as a euphemism  DW did not have a romantic bone in her body.  She was a terribly "practical girl"  and loved me totally.  She would look up from her computer and say "how about some sex?  without batting an eye.

 

Care4Mom2

Gig, 

Boy, can I relate.... 

I was always one to take care of the kids. I cooked and cleaned. I worked full-time. My DH would not attempt to plan any family outings. I did it all. I tried to plan the vacations. My DH would say, "Whatever I wanted to do." Then he would complain about the money. He was frustrated about paying bills, so he had me do it. That didn't even last a month when he had to take control. I guess he couldn't trust that I knew what I was doing....

By the time the kids were old enough and didn't need me, I was bored. I separated (and wanted to divorce) him twice. He refused to divorce me. He said, "I know God wants us to be together." The last time I tried to divorce him, I was going to buy him out of the house. At the last minute, he told me that he wasn't moving. I gave up. Apparently someone else was in charge and it wasn't me.... That was in 2001....

When he retired (7 years before me), he did cook dinners. After I retired in 2017, I spent 2 years taking care of my mom. He stopped cooking. I also knew then that after my mom passed away, I would be taking care of him because I saw his short-term memory issues. 

Fast-forward to today... For the most part, my DH is able to take care of himself right now. I know that will change. I don't bother telling him to take a shower or brush his teeth, even though I find it disgusting. I am pretty much taking care of everything else now, adding more and more as time goes on. And, yes, I am resentful....

Take care. Hugs to you.

aod326

I was lucky to have a real partnership with DH. Several things split down traditional gender roles, e.g., generally he took care of outside, and the cars, where I did the laundry. But everything else was even, without even talking about it. I never once ironed his clothes!

Even so, I was resentful regarding his dementia, especially the first couple of years when we he'd had to retire early because he couldn't do his (attorney) job, but we didn't know it was dementia. I would think how come I'm the only one earning money, but I have to do everything for you, including keeping a track of where you are. 

This whole thing sucks.