A friend of hers called the police

ICalE

A friend of my Mom's (LO?) apparently called the police on me under the impression that I was abusing her.  (Note that I do not who this person is; I mean I've never met them or anything.)  They came by the house to do a welfare check and my Mom was like "What are you talking about?"  It scared me.  I explained the situation and they were sympathetic.  Of course, my Mom came across as perfectly mentally sound since you'll only realize something is off after maybe a 15-20 minute discussion with her.

My Mom is has memory loss and delusion, mainly.  She has never been diagnosed as she's afraid to go and is verbally violent against the idea of anything wrong with her.  I feel like I've resigned to the idea that she will never get to a doctor.  I respect her dignity, but I may now be putting myself in harm's way.

I moved in a while ago thinking I could help.  At the time she was sending me concerning emails and phone calls about a lien on her house, the city threatening her over an add-on to the house, and a pest control guy stalking her.  All of these turned out to be untrue I discovered when I got here (I moved here from out of state).

Anyway, I don't know how to get ahead of this.  The majority of my belongings are in a storage unit while I only keep a minimum here.  But due to the housing and rental market in my area I can't just get up and move out.

If I did leave I believe things will get hard for her.  As of now I pay for half the utilities and all of the food.  She believes she is broke and that the stores are out of food.

Ideally, I don't want to be here.  But I thought being here would be a help to both of us.

May flowers

Welcome to this board, you’ll find a lot of support and great advice here. Things that come to mind is possibly getting an elder care attorney involved. That seems to be what a lot of others have done as first steps. Does she have any upcoming routine doctor visits? I’m wondering if there is a way to sneak in a neurologist exam. It sounds like maybe she has anosognosia which is kind of like a denial of her condition.

Babilv

You are doing the right thing, your mom needs you! While I know she is against going to the doctor, she definitely should go. I would try the following:

-Telling her she is going for a wellness check or something very general, (not memory or anything to do with the brain). If she refuses, you can point out little things like routine blood pressure needs to be done. 

-Be gentle and be consistent with the message (remember, she may forget you mentioned anything 15 mins after). 

-Try doing a video appointment and have the doctor follow up saying she needs to be seen 

-Get as much family members support as possible and ask for their assistance to get her to see a doctor 

All the best to you and your mom. Blessings.

ICalE

Should I discuss the situation with her friends over the telephone?

I am very alarmed.  She is so full of hatred and contempt now towards me.  I have no idea what is going through her mind.

I am just bending over backwards for her, I do not know what else to do.  I just can't even speak to her anymore without a contemptuous sneering backhanded remark.  We have never had this kind of relationship before.

I do not see any way to get her to a doctor.  And what good would it do?  Not sure what my next move is.  I am also financially insecure, so my means are limited.  I work full-time but it is very low pay.  If I could I think I would hire an elder care attorney or firm.

ButterflyWings

Hi ICalE - 

I would say "join the club" but it sounds like you already have. I am sorry you need to be here, but you are in the right place to help identify tools to navigate this terrible disease. We are in the same leaky boat. 

Here are a few links to help decipher the changes that make no sense to each of us when dementia first rears its ugly head. Remember, it is the disease that is making her behave as she never would when in her right mind. But we on these boards know that doesn't make it hurt any less when we are walking on eggshells to not set our PWD loved ones off.  Hopefully it can help you take a deep breath and not let her failing brain run the show for you both. Many of these behaviors require meds to take the edge off, and some things come in stages and seem to fade away only to be replaced by the next "interesting" thing.

It is hard, but not impossible to get a handle on things quickly, and put a plan in place to make the best of a tough situation that many, many, here are running that same marathon with you/us.

Learn as much as you can about how the disease works, and what you can do to outsmart it There are tips and workarounds to make your life SO much easier while observing your mom closely and building a support team. Can be done with very few resources, TRUST me. But, you are now in charge and the best philosophy is "don't ask, don't tell" the PWD (pretty much). The certified elder lawyer is a great idea.

There is a link I recirculated in the last week or so called "For the New Members" with LOTS of info. For now, here are a couple of highlights that have helped me a lot.

- Anosognosia is a real thing. This article helped me a lot.  6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia – DailyCaring

- Upon diagnosis the neuropsych said "get your affairs in order immediately". I didn't know where to start. They also told me I'd have to "watch him". Observing closely was an eye opener, and helped me know I had to take the reins, as you too have realized. Safety first.

- I understand it must seem like the twilight zone to you right now, reading this excellent article cleared up lots of things for me early on. Do share with interested family and friends if they will read it, that may be a good starting point rather than discussing too many details via phone as you asked about. Some things they may not ever see if they don't spend the amount of time that you do up close and personal with her. And PWD's like most humans, always put their best foot forward in public which is called "showtiming".  But this article will give you and them a good idea of what types of behaviors may arise, what is going on in the AD brain behind the scenes, and most of all...how to handle the craziness that has only just begun. 

http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

Find Your Local Area Agency on Aging for ideas about resources, many are free or subsidized.

https://www.vha.ca/news/2021/compassionate-care-strategies-using-the-7-as-of-dementia/

Keep breathing!!! We are with you.

Cyndisaunt

Welcome, sorry you are here but you are going to be a great comfort as you become a team with your LO. 

I wish I had jumped in earlier, I was recently reported to DHS (dept of Human Services - similar to mandatory reporters for child abuse, this agency also handles elder abuse reports). I am fortunate to have a lot of character witnesses after over 4 years. 

The learning curve is steeps. Here are my quick initial steps, I wish I knew to take. 

Actively search for all legal paperwork: Power of Attorney is essential and getting an Durable POA signed before a diagnosis is even better. Titles for cars, house, etc will be helpful. And of course will or estate plan. If you have no idea then start reaching out to financial planners (retirement or investment accounts) to ask if they have any ideas who is keeping the documents.

If your LO is otherwise healthy then start discussing an annual senior wellness visit and if your LO doesn't have a regular doctor then find a doctor with some Alz or dementia experience because they will be more likely to ask the memory test questions at the appointment as routine, which will be less alarming for your LO.

Begin conversations with family, close friends, neighbors. I learned too late that the neighbors were overwhelmed with my LOs frequent visits and had not known who to talk to about it as they assumed my LO lived alone. Initially, I just visited the close proximity neighbors then I returned to speak with neighbors we met while out in the community to introduce myself as someone who recently moved in and let the conversation go where it would. Most of the conversations would reveal the concerns that the neighbors, friends, family had about odd conversation or actions my LO demonstrated. 

I could go on, but I see that you have been given links to some great articles and the recommendation to go to an elder care attorney. Worth every penny, the cost is a bit shocking, but my attorney saved me from making mistakes that would have cost my LO ten times the fees she charges. Plus I am protecting myself and my LO. 

Hugs to you and please do ask all the questions or just share your experience. This is a great group of very experienced caregivers. 

Cyndi

ICalE

Hypothetically, if the LO starts putting others at legal risk through their comments - they're being kidnapped, sexually assaulted, raped/poisoned by doctors, etcetera - including about the caregiver that lives with them, what should the caregiver do?  If the caregiver can't leave due to "elder neglect", what choice do they have?

Iris L.

The way you deal with this is to learn all you can about the common presentations of the dementias.  Everything you mention is not unusual, even having the police be called because a neighbor believes the delusion that the adult child is abusive or taking advantage.  The first thing you need to understand is about anosognosia.  This is not denial, but actually a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD to truly believe she is fine, and that YOU are the one with the problem.  Read about anosognosia and how to compensate.  You will  learn many ways to compensate from the members, these tactics are also called work-arounds.  There will be many slings and arrows, but you will learn and be ready for them.  The odd comments, if they are not true, are delusions.  There are medical and non-medical ways of dealing with delusions.  Keep reading a lot of threads.

Best wishes!

Iris L.

ICalE

Cyndisaunt wrote:

Actively search for all legal paperwork: Power of Attorney is essential and getting an Durable POA signed before a diagnosis is even better. Titles for cars, house, etc will be helpful. And of course will or estate plan.

She never wrote a will or did any kind of financial planning.  She's now 83 and has probably had symptoms since she was 80.  In that way I think she's been financially irresponsible.  I'm an only child.

Given that and her Jeckyll/Hyde attitude towards me since this all started and her belief in her own independence I don't believe she would give me POA, and frankly, I'm not sure I would want it at this point, nor guardianship, over fear of false accusations.  I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and I'm afraid for myself.

Begin conversations with family, close friends, neighbors.

Great suggestion. I started to do this.  Came to find out that her sister does not want anything to do with her anymore.  She's alienating herself it seems.  She yelled at and kicked the exterminator out in front of me a week ago.  It was unreal.  Claiming she never requested the service.  A few days ago the story was that he was hitting on her.  Very scary in my opinion.  So now the lawn care people won't return, the gym won't let her return, and the exterminator company won't return.  Not surprising.

Trying my best.

ICalE

Iris L. wrote:

The way you deal with this is to learn all you can about the common presentations of the dementias.  Everything you mention is not unusual, even having the police be called because a neighbor believes the delusion that the adult child is abusive or taking advantage.  The first thing you need to understand is about anosognosia.  This is not denial, but actually a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD to truly believe she is fine, and that YOU are the one with the problem.  Read about anosognosia and how to compensate.  You will  learn many ways to compensate from the members, these tactics are also called work-arounds.  There will be many slings and arrows, but you will learn and be ready for them.  The odd comments, if they are not true, are delusions.  There are medical and non-medical ways of dealing with delusions.  Keep reading a lot of threads.

Best wishes!

Iris L.

Thank you so much!

[Deleted User]

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ICalE

I have started to become more involved in the finances now all of a sudden.  It seems like she lost track of everything around January 2022.  I started noticing cancelation notices, late fees, and final notices on the dining room table.  The electric was a week away from being turned off and the credit card had not been paid in several months.

I approached her about it very delicately and she said she had paid everything.  She read out her payments from her checkbook without realizing that most of those last payments she made were six months ago.

When I pointed this out she said that it's the mail system losing her checks and that the exterminator had pocketed a check.  Note that the exterminator was here for about one minute spraying inside when she got up and yelled at him and kicked him out claiming that she never hired him.  A few days later she told me that he sexually assaulted her.  A few days later the story changed again to him pocketing the check.  This poor exterminator is nice older man who has been coming here for years.  I was home when she yelled at him and kicked him out, so I know her claims are false.

I got her to sit down with me and go over the financial stuff.  It seems that she's saving 45% of each social security check and 50% of each required distribution check from her investment accounts.  On the 10th and 25th of each month we pay the bills now together.  This makes things a lot easier for me.

Nevertheless she is still treating me with contempt and making up stories that I think could be dangerous.  The other day, for example, I finished a work meeting on Zoom and went out to the living room to find her with a guy from a solar panel company.  He was aggressive and pushy and shady.  He said that my Mom said I had scheduled the appointment for an estimate which I never did.  He was irate for making the trip and threatened to call his boss, etcetera.  My Mom didn't care about his time at all and wanted him to spend the hour and do the estimate but at the same time tell him she had no money.  The guy was pissed but finally left.

I'll be paying a $300 consultation fee with a recommended Elder Law attorney in the fall.  I am not interested in guardianship or anything.  She will surely accuse whoever that person is with all sorts of crimes.  My goal now is to get advice on legally moving out with her in this undiagnosed condition.

ZackFootInMouth

Are you moving with her or moving her to assisted living?

BassetHoundAnn

ICalE wrote:

The other day, for example, I finished a work meeting on Zoom and went out to the living room to find her with a guy from a solar panel company.  He was aggressive and pushy and shady.  He said that my Mom said I had scheduled the appointment for an estimate which I never did.  He was irate for making the trip and threatened to call his boss, etcetera.  My Mom didn't care about his time at all and wanted him to spend the hour and do the estimate but at the same time tell him she had no money.  The guy was pissed but finally left.

Was he from Everlight Solar? Incredibly pushy door-to-door reps from that company had become a plague throughout our city during the last few weeks. Lots of people posting in anger on Nextdoor. Some calling the police. Questionable estimates and heavy-handed sales tactics.   

ICalE

ZackFootInMouth wrote:

Are you moving with her or moving her to assisted living?

I plan to find out about moving myself out on my own for my own safety after discussing my options with the attorney.  It may be that she needs to be moved somewhere at that point, or that the state needs to step in, but I am not yet sure who would make that assessment until I speak with the lawyer.  I will say that her friends that she calls must realize what's going on now.  She seems to be calling them multiple times per day with barely believable or repetitious stories.

ICalE

BassetHoundAnn wrote:

ICalE wrote:

The other day, for example, I finished a work meeting on Zoom and went out to the living room to find her with a guy from a solar panel company.  He was aggressive and pushy and shady.  He said that my Mom said I had scheduled the appointment for an estimate which I never did.  He was irate for making the trip and threatened to call his boss, etcetera.  My Mom didn't care about his time at all and wanted him to spend the hour and do the estimate but at the same time tell him she had no money.  The guy was pissed but finally left.

Was he from Everlight Solar? Incredibly pushy door-to-door reps from that company had become a plague throughout our city during the last few weeks. Lots of people posting in anger on Nextdoor. Some calling the police. Questionable estimates and heavy-handed sales tactics.   

It was Sun something.  I asked him to leave a brochure or card, but he stated that they did not do that.  He showed me on his phone my Mom's name, address, and telephone number saying that that was the appointment.  If I had to guess, I would say that my Mom probably got an advertisement email from them or was looking at solar companies on the internet through her smartphone, and then responded.  She has somehow got it in her head that solar would be a good decision, especially with the temptation of "no money down" and "no more electric bill".

ICalE

My Mom left in the middle of the night.  I woke up to go to the bathroom and saw that she was gone.  Her car was gone.  I texted her and she said she was in her car outside of a friends house.  She was angry and scared of me and of some out-of-state distant family members saying that we're trying to "put her away".  She said she is going to "sell the house" and "move away", presumably alone.

I'm having a really hard time handling these swings.  It had been a perfectly normal day and she was sweet and she was talkative and everything was going great.  I went to bed about an hour before her, said goodnight, and then woke up at 3am to this.  Out of nowhere.

I asked her to please come home and she did.  I told her that nobody wants to put her away.  She said that the doctor told her she was okay (hasn't been to the doctor in over a year) and that the family is harassing her (they have not been in touch in over a year to my knowledge).

It seems like nights or mornings is when the mood changes happen.  I can't figure it out or what's triggering it if anything.  I'm walking on eggshells.

Most days I think I can handle this, but others I get scared for my safety and of her stories.  Some of her sentences now have slight mistakes in them every now and then as of a week ago.

This is just an update.

M1

ICalE:  how scary, for both of you.

Do you have power of attorney?  If not you need to get it now.  

This is probably a version of "sundowning" --a lot of people with dementia are more confused in the evening and at night.

Think of the potential consequences had she had a wreck or gotten lost, hurt herself or someone else.  Sounds like you need to:

Take the car keys away, now.  If you want you could have a driving assessment done.

Lock the outside doors with a lock she cannot access.

?Consider a bed alarm that will tell you when she gets up.

Take her for MD evaluation and tell them what happened.  Lie to her if you have to; say that they called or Medicare called and insisted she go in.

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Iris L.

ICalE wrote:

 I get scared for my safety and of her stories.  Some of her sentences now have slight mistakes in them every now and then as of a week ago.

The "mistakes" are called confabulation, which are scattered bits of memory that the brain tries to string together.  This is a feature of dementia and will continue.  As for stories, they might be confabulation or delusions.  There are strategies for both, they won't go away.

Iris L.

ICalE

What did the Elder law attorney tell you? Your mother sounds like she should not be driving or in any way handling her funds or making living decisions. You expressed before that you wanted to go back home and didn't want to be responsible for her -- in which case referring your mother to Adult protective services would be an option.

At what point are you going to either go in all the way or get her adequate appropriate oversight.  It's time to make your decision-- since she can't make rational ones anymore.

To be blunt, if you're waiting to inherit -- her causing an accident could make her assets go poof-- so could a scammer getting ahold of her.

It's against human nature to not have hope a loved one will improve, but that doesn't happen with dementia. Please take action, one way or another.

I have been back and forth with wanting to go in all the way or not due to her aggressive personality now and what I see as verbal mistreatment of those trying to help her, not to mention the serious legal risks she seems to put people in.  I remind myself that she's acting and speaking in unnatural ways.

I've decided to go all in.

A month ago she tripped over an inside step and fractured her hip.  I was working in a Zoom meeting at the time when I heard the fall and the yell.  I called 911 and she had surgery and stayed in a rehab for 3 weeks.

They recognized her dementia immediately and prescribed seroquil and wellbutrin.  It is a night and day difference.  So much better.

They released her to me several days ago, but the therapists told me "no cooking, no driving" and that she needs 24-hour supervision for walking with a walker.  Not sure if she will ever be able to walk unaided again.  For now she's basically bedridden.

I'm now attempting to work from home full-time and simultaneously manage her care.  So far so good except when she tries to make it to the toilet on her own.

I reached out to a new law firm and went through 2 screenings or whatever.  Next is the actual attorney meeting scheduled within the next 3 weeks.  $375 - the "Decision Maker" package.

My understanding is that the attorney may decide she needs a "capacity check" at some point, so not sure what that costs or involves.  And if she fails it?  Then guardianship?

Re: Inheritance  No interest at all.  Seriously.  Don't need it.  It doesn't feel like that would be rightfully mine somehow.

If granted POA or Guardianship I am still so torn on placing her in a home.  The idea kills me.  Nevertheless, I think she needs professional supervision and home health aides or whatever are out of reach financially.  If I work from home, she could still try to walk on her own again while I'm in a meeting, and that to me is a risk.

I'll update later.

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Wilted Daughter

I can identify with your predicament. After an argument with my uncle he called the police on the pretense of a 'wellness check' (he had spoken with her the day before and called after our argument). You will never know what lurks in minds of people, perhaps her concern was genuine or maybe there is some perceived reason. If you want to know/understand, introduce yourself to her one day, and thank her for concern while assuring that your mom is well. 

As for moving...I too have my belongings in storage 1,200 miles away and thought I would only be here to wrap things up...that was 3 years ago. I don't know when I will regain my life, but try not to think about it for now. I believe our future will be revealed if we remain in the present state of helping. Prior to moving back home with mom she was blatantly against cognitive testing, so I had it scheduled while I was not there during a 'checkup'. She blamed the PCP not me and switched doctors (LOL). After a series of ER/hospital admissions, full work ups/testing was administered including brain scans which confirmed the diagnosis. Imaging is easier than testing, but the PCP should advise. Speak to her PCP, if she has one, or find one to administer a simple test. It may take time for this to happen so be patience. 

Once you have a diagnosis of all medical conditions you can start planning care and identify what you can do and what you need help doing. Reaching out to state/community agencies for resources, program information is helpful and you will benefit from choosing what is best for you both. 

You are not alone in your situation, so don't let it get you down too low. 

ICalE

Victoria2020 wrote:

Well a lot sure has happened. Sorry about your Mom getting injured.

  First , you aren't "putting her in a home" like an old Shirley Temple movie where you wave through the windshield and the image gets smaller and smaller. You'd be getting her the right level of care that is available 24/7 for both your sakes.

Being bedridden, and then trying to do bathroom walker runs, when she remembers the walker will wear you out  and she needs more bed care to avoid bed sores etc.

Maybe get a bedside commode to avoid the walks until you have time to stand and supervise the longer walks , which are good exercise but hard to manage around sleep and work ?

The lawyer should be able to give you an idea about how medicaid works in your state.

Do you have a plan B -- a caregiver that can arrive at very short notice - in case you need to leave for work or health reasons and a longer term plan C - looking at homes in your area .

Your Mother is fortunate to have you .

The meeting with the attorney for power of attorney is scheduled for next Friday.

 

In the meantime, I scheduled a psychiatrist appointment for my Mom for this Friday mainly to get the Wellbutrin and Seroquil refilled since they seemed to be working so well.

The psychiatrist's office mistakenly scheduled us for Thursday when I'm working so I would not be able to drive her there.  I called to reschedule, and they said they needed my Mom's permission to speak with me.  I put my Mom on the phone and she declined the permission and told them Thursday is just fine.

If she goes off these meds I'm not sure if I can last.  We have about a week's worth left.

When she hung up she told me that she can take care of her health just fine and was upset.  It's as if the meds stopped working today or something all of a sudden.  I explained that I wasn't able to drive her Thursday but to no avail.  She immediately started texting everyone over and over for "help" as if she was in some kind of danger.

 

It seems to me that there's a very real chance that she might not give me power of attorney next week.

Great idea about a Plan B.  I got a recommendation for a Home Health Aide.  I reached out to schedule the first assessment in February.

ICalE

Psychiatrist appointment went very well.  Doctor said it's obvious that she has dementia.  He seems to think that within 6 months I'll no longer be able to take care of her myself.

He changed her prescriptions from Wellbutrin and Seroquel to risperidone, and we're to follow up in 15 days.

POA meeting with attorney is in 6 days.  I only hope that she goes along with it.

ICalE

POA meeting with attorney went well.  She agreed to it (financial, health), and passed the capacity check so far.  Next week will be a document review meeting with the attorney where they'll again do a capacity check.

ICalE

Something seems to have changed today.  Her delusions are more frequent or pronounced or something.

I was in a Zoom meeting working from home when the police knocked on our door.  She told them I was threatening her.  I had hardly any interaction with her today due to work besides meds in morning, breakfast, lunch, and helping her in the bathroom.

The police were fine and told me that she said we had an argument and that I threatened her.  Gawd, what am I supposed to say to that?  I explained that she has dementia and is on Risperidone 0.5mg, but still.

They told me that I need to get some extra help or else place her somewhere.  But she has not yet signed the POA docs and I do not have any extra money for her care (I've spent enough).

The POA docs are in her possession and I thought I would ask her sometime soon about scheduling the signing/notary, but now I'm nervous to bring it up.

I applied for Medicaid for her.  She was approved for a bunch of stuff but we have not yet received written notice yet, so I don't recall what benefits exactly or when they begin.  I only remember meals delivered and ALF funding.

Her smartphone battery died today.  Should I not recharge it?  What about the cordless by her bed or the base landline?

I notified her doctors too today of this new change and situation.  Waiting on their responses.

Suggestions appreciated.