Something new(2)

bigfoot2you

My husband has mid stage dementia.......lately he starts in the early evening and insists he has to get going.........When asked where he is going he says home.   He has lived here with me for over 30 years.  He insists he needs to go back to his childhood home, which was sold several years ago.  He has to find his mother, who died several years ago.   I tell him over and over again he lives here with me,  we have been married over 40 years...........he doesn't remember any of our married years,  doesn't know who I am.............says it's very nice of me to let him stay here.............Any ideas how to handle this?

toolbeltexpert

Bf2y sorry to hear about your husband, what your husband is doing is called sundowning, you probably know that though. I have heard several folks say they take their lo for a ride around the block and "your home!". That may not work for you.  You try a search on "going home" that could bring up some threads on this topic. And I am sure there are others who will be of more assistance. Sorry for the reason you had to find the forum but you're in good company.

Ed1937

Bigfoot, welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here, but we have a good bunch of people here, willing to help and offer support.

  bigfoot2you wrote:

He insists he needs to go back to his childhood home

Were those the words he used? The reason I ask is because there are different thoughts about what they mean when they want to go home. Some people think they are looking for their childhood home, while others think they are looking for a better place in time, when things were better for them. You might ask him to tell you something about his home. 

 

My wife often wants to visit her grandparents, who have been dead for about 50 years. I just make up excuses why I can't take her, like the roads are closed, or anything else they might buy. I never tell her they are gone because that would do nothing but upset her, since she thinks they are alive. Make it as easy as possible.

 Keep posting, and read everything you can on the forum. You will learn much more here than from any doctor. 

Joydean

Hi Bigfoot and welcome. There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum. I can only say that some books say when your lo is wanting to “go home “ is because their home represents safety and security. We have not experienced that yet! I say yet because we never know what tomorrow will bring. Keep coming back!

Rick4407

Wanting to go home has been an issue here for at least 2 years.  It never stops, a least 2-3 times a day it home, or see Mom, or something related.

My reply is always the same.  I am enthusiastic about I want that also.  But then explain because of the virus we cannot travel as that spreads the virus. I'm watching the news every night to see when we will be able to safely travel, "Maybe tomorrow".   I recount events we did on our last visit (4-5 years ago) and then end with "it was a good visit."    The reassurance seems to be enough to move on until the next time.   Needless to say, my DW does not remember any visits ever or any discussions from 3-4 minutes ago.  So my enthusiasm and agreement ease the issue.  Good luck, Rick 

Oh and welcome to the forum Kathleen!

   

sandwichone123

To add to what others have said, you can ask what he'll do when he gets home--that will give you some idea of what need he's seeking to meet. You can say we have to stay here until next week, or "later," or whatever period of time is likely to evaporate in the mist of time. If he mentions people you can ask about them. You probably know the stories he likes to tell about his mother, so evoke one of those, "is your mom the one with that blue dress?" or whatever story you know of.

Distraction, cover stories, trying to figure out what he means by what he's saying. Those are our tools.

Jeff86

Another welcome to the forum and sorry you need to be here. Earlier in her AZ journey, my DW expressed a desire to go home, too, and to see her long deceased parents.  The advice you are getting here is spot on—you have to go to your DH’s reality, and not try to persuade him that his home is where he is and that his parents are gone.  The brain is broken, and you want to avoid causing stress.  

One of the ‘mercies’ of disease progression is that some behaviors and delusions may disappear with time.  My DW no longer asks to go home.  

Of course, the new losses cause new pain….but that’s a story for another post.  You have found a wonderful supportive community here to help you on this difficult path.  

Crushed

Hello and welcome

Can you put what state you live in in your profile?  it helps us in suggesting resources. 

Sundowning is tough  

DW was first diagnosed 12 years ago.  She is 69 now.   I would get her ready for bed right after dinner.  And if it got bad I would say it's bed time and head with her to bed.   Sometimes she felt romantic, sometimes not, but she always felt "secure" in bed.   

 

Marie58

Bigfoot, welcome to the forum. This is a great place to ask questions and learn. You can also vent when necessary and no topic is off limits. Read a lot of the threads and post often. You've gotten some good advice already from people who have been there, done that. Blessings to you and DH.

Gig Harbor

Bigfoot I don’t know if you live in a state where marijuana is legal but if you do this might be worth a try. I gave my husband a CBD/THC 30:1 gummie when he started to sundown and it stopped his fixations. He became happy and pleasantly stoned. He normally is not on any psychotics. His doctor was OK with him trying it.

bigfoot2you

ROFLOL      On pleasantly stoned                  Yes,  I give him a gummy in the evening.  It helps with his anxiety and helps us get through the evening.     He has very little experience with POT and one evening he says.........."WOAH   I feel like I'm floating.    But it does help him.