DH says he doesn’t need my help

sunshine5

I was so upset when he tells me- he doesn’t need any help!

I have to help him make a phone call to order cab, make his doctor’s appointments, accompany him to appointments, do his meds, cook dinners and clean, order grocery and more! I can’t take it when he says I don’t help him or he doesn’t need any help!

I dared him to go to the Dr for his blood test by himself in the cab I ordered this morning. I know he can’t manage, he  gets confused. Last minute says he needs my company! Told him he can’t remember what I said a few minutes ago etc.. sometimes he gets too much for me, when I am unappreciated!

Crushed

1)Get a cat ,
2) do EVERYTHING for the cat  
3) Expect GRATITUDE from the cat
4) CAT ignores your efforts since it knows it is entitled to EVERYTHING
5) Repeat until cat is grateful 

When you have a genuinely grateful cat, then start on DH
 
 (lots of hugs)
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcjR93Jin4Y

AyaanWhitney

I just want to support you. You are in difficult situation right now. Try to be grateful to yourself, understand and realize that you are doing everything in your power. Do not expect approval from somebody but try to find support inside you. Hug you!

Ed1937

Sunshine, I think you are familiar with the term "anosognosia". If not, here is a link that should help you accept his feelings. Why your loved one doesn't believe they have dementia- It's NOT denial. 

Crushed

AyaanWhitney wrote:

I just want to support you. You are in difficult situation right now. Try to be grateful to yourself, understand and realize that you are doing everything in your power. Do not expect approval from somebody but try to find support inside you. Hug you!

Welcome you are obviously familiar with cats.

harshedbuzz

sunshine-

My mom really struggled with this change in my dad. 

He'd always trended toward arrogance, but once he became unable to participate as an equal partner in their relationship and household while claiming to she snapped. Like you, she didn't always find ability to let his claims roll off her back. Once or twice she snapped at him which escalated the situation meaning I has to drive over and calm them both down. 

I think, for her- YMMV- it was because she was so focused on his loss of memory that she didn't appreciate the loss of executive function skills that prevented him helping in any meaningful way or even more critical to her the loss of empathy. She was doing it all- at best he didn't notice. At worse he claimed to be the one doing it all. 

What helped her? A psychiatrist, talk therapist and amazing IRL support group who understood and this-

Home | Thoughtful Dementia Care (understanding-dementia-experience.com)

jfkoc

....and it is not going to get any better so all  you can do  is get within the 4 corners of his page if you choose to stay together with you as the helpmate. 

You are at a point we all come to. It is sad, it is anger provoking, frustrating etc. We understand and area always here to listen.

sunshine5

Thankyou Ed. I have seen this video before, had to remind myself. It will take time to sink in!

sunshine5

After watching the cat video, I don’t think I ever want to have any cat! Thanks for the link!

sunshine5

What is IRL and talk therapist?

sunshine5

Cute cat!

sandwichone123

IRL is in real life (not phone or Zoom meetings), and a talk therapist is a psychologist or counselor that can help talk things through.

harshedbuzz

sandwichone123 wrote:

IRL is in real life (not phone or Zoom meetings), and a talk therapist is a psychologist or counselor that can help talk things through.

Exactly. A talk therapist is generally a counselor, psychologist or counseling social worker- they don't prescribe medication but can listen and offer strategies for emotional self-care and ways to reframe what you are going through which can help you in your role as caregiver.