I've made my decision

Ed1937

She will not be placed. At least not for the immediate future. I've been managing my stress level, in large part because of increased family help. I wish everyone had it, and I know how fortunate I am to have the help. 

One of our daughters (you know the one) spent several hours getting most of the paper work needed for medicaid application. I told her that I felt like I could keep her mother at home for a while, and I was sorry she had done so much work in my behalf, which we now wouldn't need. She told me I did not need to offer any explanation to her why I chose this road, and she would fully support any decision I would ultimately make. She is much more than a daughter who has a mother with dementia, and a father who is her caregiver. She can't possibly know how much I appreciate her support. Her brothers and sisters are also supportive, and I appreciate them as well.

M1

Ed we're all here for you regardless.  I completely understand and wish I had the support to do the same.  There's an upside to big families, for sure.

Tony484

Hi Ed,

Would you mind sharing how much family help you get and how you structure it?  I follow your posts, and have very much appreciated them, and it seems that at this point you and I are in very similar positions. Also with the help of my daughter, I have identified a good memory care placement and done the paperwork, but for lots of reasons probably much like yours, I am not going to follow through with that for now unless there are major changes that can't be dealt with at home. I have an extremely helpful daughter who goes above and beyond and who works full time and some sisters-in-law who regularly visit and help cover for me when I need to go to appointments. I am struggling with what to ask for from both family as well as paid caregivers that I'm lucky enough to be able to bring in for 4-8 hours a week.  Not that it does a lot of good yet since my DW is extremely anxious with my leaving the house unless anybody but close family is with her.  So anything you can say about what works for you or what you are trying to make work might help me think about my situation more specifically.

Thanks.

Quilting brings calm

Your daughter didn’t waste her time.  She is now ahead of the game for if/when it becomes necessary later.  She will just have to add more data ( bank statements, etc).  It might be a good idea for her to just add things monthly so the process will be farther along later.

Lynne D

Hi Ed,

How wonderful to have such an involved family (in a good way). I am glad they are not questioning your decision (neither will any of us!)

jfkoc

I agree that the prep time for Medicaid will not be wasted and am glad with you that  you have reached  a decision for the time being. 

Hve you thought about talking with your Dr about the possibility of a med that might lower the stress? It need not be anything strong. I took something that was very mild and it really helped.

caberr

Ed, so glad you have the help from your family.  I totally understand your decision.  I agree your daughter did not waste her time.  My DH is aware of what is happening, and I am not ready to place him in MC.  But I am going to look at places and have a plan in case of an emergency.

Jo C.

Ed, so the decision is made after research and much thought for what is best for the present time.  You have a lovely family. Your daughter; what can I say - I wish I knew her, she sounds like an amazing person with a very caring heart as well as highly intelligent.  If I may ask, what sort of work does she do?  

All of the work done is not lost; the information is now on file so to speak and will not have to be deeply researched again, just a little tweaking and catch-up if there is a future need.

Take good care of you too; jfkoc had some wise input.  And now - if we could only clone your dear daughter . . . 

Best of warmest thoughts  being sent to you and your wife,

J.

Ed1937

Tony484 wrote:

Hi Ed,

Would you mind sharing how much family help you get and how you structure it?  I follow your posts, and have very much appreciated them, and it seems that at this point you and I are in very similar positions. Also with the help of my daughter, I have identified a good memory care placement and done the paperwork, but for lots of reasons probably much like yours, I am not going to follow through with that for now unless there are major changes that can't be dealt with at home. I have an extremely helpful daughter who goes above and beyond and who works full time and some sisters-in-law who regularly visit and help cover for me when I need to go to appointments. I am struggling with what to ask for from both family as well as paid caregivers that I'm lucky enough to be able to bring in for 4-8 hours a week.  Not that it does a lot of good yet since my DW is extremely anxious with my leaving the house unless anybody but close family is with her.  So anything you can say about what works for you or what you are trying to make work might help me think about my situation more specifically.

Thanks.

Hi Tony. We have a 44 year old son living with us, who is mildly mentally handicapped. He is able, and does stay with his mother when I need to run errands. If he should need help, he can always call another family member who lives close by. Every so often, my wife will need to do things she refuses to do. At times I have to force her into complying. He helps with that too. We have another daughter who is physically handicapped, and can not work either. Whenever needed, she will stay with her mother whenever I ask. Like when I need to take her brother to the doctor. She is not physically able to do a lot, but she can make decisions when needed. The daughter mentioned in my OP talks her mother into anything I can't talk her into. My wife, for some reason thinks she has to "mind" her, and that really comes in handy for me. This has been working more than 3 years. She can talk her into a shower, talk her into changing her incontinence underwear, etc. She also is bothered with auto-immune disease herself, so any help she gives is very hard for her. One son, an electrician, updated a lot of wiring in our home. That took him a full week, working full days. Another son, who had a remodeling business, took our bathtub out, and replaced it with a badly needed shower. Without that, she would have already been placed. Another daughter cooks for us every so often. We have other kids living out of state, but they fully support whatever I decide. I am a very lucky man. But I will ask for help whenever needed. I have another thread going ("This is your lucky day") that you should consider.

Ed1937

Jo C. wrote:

If I may ask, what sort of work does she do?  

Jo, she was a banker, but no longer works because of fibromyalgia and Sjogren syndrome. And she has 2 teenage daughters to raise while her husband works about 14 hours a day. Thanks for the post.

Ed1937

Thank you for the support, everybody.

Joydean

Ed you and your wife are truly blessed to have such a wonderful family. I think all of us that have kids are blessed. We have 2daughters and one son. I tell them they are workaholics and they just laugh and say where do you think we get it from! But they will come running when they know I’m reaching my breaking point. They just seem to know I need their help without even asking. 

I wish the best for you and your family!  

Joe C.

Ed, Making a decision should be a stress reliever in itself. I am glad you are getting the support you need to keep your wife at home.

Ed1937

Joydean wrote:

I tell them they are workaholics and they just laugh and say where do you think we get it from! 

Joy, have you been listening to our conversations? I hear the same thing!

Ed1937

Joe C. wrote:

Ed, Making a decision should be a stress reliever in itself. 

It's hard for me to believe how true that is, Joe. 

Pam BH

Ed, I'm so happy for you that the decision's been made. Being in limbo about what to do is very stressful, so hopefully your stress level has fallen to the norm for a spouse caregiver, which as we all know is still high. You researched everything and made the right decision for your situation with the caveat that it might change. I applaud you and your family. You are truly blessed with them.

Tony484

Ed,

Thanks for all the details.  You are indeed a lucky man with all that family support. I've been increasingly relying on paid help and it is just not the same. Especially in terms of DW's comfort and willingness re my leaving the house without her. But even there I know I'm luckier than many insofar as being able to bring in some people. 

Tony

Lane Simonian

Not the decision that I was expecting when I saw the topic header, but regardless of all the challenges, with your patience (tested as it has sometimes been) and the help of your family, it is good that you are able to keep your wife with you longer.  I know that the last few years especially have been trying on you and your family to say the least, but all of you have a deep bond and commitment.

Jeff86

Ed, they don’t come more thoughtful than you, so I am sure this is a good decision for you and your DW.  You have a tremendous support system in addition to your own deep inner resources. Thanks for sharing your thought process as well as your decision.

White Crane

Ed, I'm happy for you that you have made your decision.  And what a wonderful blessing to have your family to help you!

ImMaggieMae

Ed, so glad that you have made a decision on your DW’s care. You are so lucky to have family that can help. You also have challenges with other family members with their own health conditions, bit it sounds like you are all pulling together to get through this.