Hello, Goodbye, and Thank you

Phoenix1966

I joined last year, but was lurking for a few months before my join date. My grandmother was the PWD and it was a long, scary journey. She lived alone since my grandfather’s death a decade or so earlier. That was probably when the wheels started to come off. 

She survived the Holocaust, but came out of it a sociopath. It’s definitely easier to look back and see all the behavioral issues now that there is a little distance. Of course I understand how that could happen(losing you mother at 9, losing almost all of your family by the time you were a teen in a camp), but she never sought treatment. Certainly, there were stigmas attached to seeking mental health help in her heyday. She ruled her house with an iron fist, marrying a man she could intimidate(and chase around a kitchen table with a large knife but only “in jest”…right…) and really didn’t want to be a mother to her only daughter or be a grandmother to her only grandchild. She did terrible things that would be called child abuse and neglect these days both to my mother and me. 

Toward the end, her delusions led her to believe everyone was stealing from her(robbers broke into her house Mission Impossible style to steal her washing machine that I bought for her and replace it with a crappy copy, all via ropes and a “hole” they cut in her roof. My mother stole all her electrical extension cords and, yes, she called the police about that, etc.). She made herself vulnerable to scammers and then blamed us for her losses. Her hoarding tendencies escalated to level 5 and although I reached out desperately to APS because she was living in dog feces(she wouldn’t let her dogs outside any longer because a friend was “poisoning” them) and maggots(fridge died in the summer and she left everything inside it to rot not to mention the floor-to-ceiling junk), but they left her in place. Her PCP had been resistant to testing her for dementia although she clearly had some form of it and I was so very tired of banging my head against a wall trying to find someone to help me help her.  It was only when she fell and couldn’t get up(just like that sad commercial) did Fire and Rescue help me help her. 

I was frustrated at every turn, trying to find help. I held her medical and legal POA and, once she was hospitalized, I was able to literally dig through filth to find the papers. But even the hospital seemed “surprised” that she had sundowning symptoms and I continued to wonder why no one wanted to officially say the word “dementia”?

We.cleaned up the house in 6 weeks, brought her back to a place where she did not notice that 3 dumpsters full of garbage had been removed(she apologized to home health for the poor housekeeping when she came back and I found it hard not to scream). My mother and I provided 24/7 care for months before I decided it was killing my mother and I opted for MC. My grandmother was hospitalized again for a terrible delusion we could not redirect her from and, after a COVID outbreak on her floor, moved her to MC. To my shock, she died 12 days later. 

But through this all, a social worker recommended this site. I lurked more than anything else and heard her(and my) story told more than once. The words to the song might have differed, but the tune was the same. I took comfort in the fact that there were others facing the same challenging frustrations. And I also felt horribly guilty that I was not in the same place as many of you. I did not love my PWD. She had done too many terrible things to my mother for that to be an option. I wondered if maybe I got “lucky” that I didn’t love her as I had as a child, since I learned too many horrible truths. Watching the disease strip the last bits of her away, I wasn’t sad. I had mourned her passing years before, when I learned of her secrets and cruelties. I did try to care for her the best I could, simply as one human being to another(and for my mother’s sake). It was hard at times to make decisions I never thought would be mine to make, but I did my best to find her “a clean, well-lighted place”. I just didn’t think the end would come so quickly. 

I’ve continued to visit the boards since her death in December and am overwhelmed with the generosity of spirit so many of you possess. And I feel like you let me see into your lives for a time, for which I am immeasurably grateful. But, as I finish cleaning out her house, I think that I’m done mourning the woman I never really knew. And I think that for me, my time visiting here is coming to an end. I think I am ready to move on.  

I’d just like to say that when you all post, even if a lot of comments don’t appear, know that people like me are lurking and taking solace in what you share. And we are grateful.

Thank you. 

[Deleted User]

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jmlarue

The key has turned, the lock has opened, and you've been set free. Good luck and may God speed your way to a peaceful, fulfilling life. It is indeed a blessing that you don't need to move on carrying a burden of guilt or grief like so many of us will. I wish you the very best.

Mint

Phoenix thank you for sharing.  Glad you were able to find a little comfort here.  Thank you for doing the best you could to help your grandmother.  May you and your mom find peace in the days ahead.

Take care

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you for sharing and opening yourself to us, so beautifully written too.

Wishing you and yours a peaceful journey forward.

We are not alone. 

ButterflyWings

Phoenix you are caregiving goals for me today. Clarity of purpose, commitment to see it through, and courage to release the past as you start a new chapter. May your future be all that you want and need.

Thank you for connecting here. Your sign off is well said; your job well done. Godspeed! 

Love&Light

Beautifully written Phoenix, thank you for sharing. Grateful that you shared your hard story and I wish you the very best.

Battlebuddy

   Thank you for your post from the heart. It made me tear up. I guess we try to do our best on this journey, and part of that is being part of this community. If some good can come out of sharing with others, well, that’s something. 

   I was thinking of Rancherswifes  sayings. The third one was “ it’s not what we feel, but what we do that’s important”  I am glad your Grandmother had you there to do all kinds of hard things for her, even if your feelings weren’t what felt like love. But it sounds like LOVE to me , even if you acted on love for your mom, or love for another human being. 

  Job well done! Now go in Peace , do some fun things , and heal. 

Joydean

Phoenix, may God bless you and yours. You are free , go and be kind to yourself. Enjoy your life! 

dayn2nite2

There is a special place in Heaven for those, like you, who provided care for someone who treated them terribly even when their cognition was intact.

GothicGremlin

It was hard at times to make decisions I never thought would be mine to make....

Man, those words resonate so deeply with me.  Never, ever, did I think I'd be caring for my sister in this way. Never.  And yet.

Phoenix1966 you did amazing work, especially under the circumstances. Well done.  I heartily agree with everyone else, I'm happy for you that you're ready to move on without guilt. Best wishes to you in the next phase of your life.

And thank you for writing about your journey so honestly and heart-felt.