Tough decision

ChrisVoorhis

As i posted 2 weeks ago i finally made the decision to place my DW in a MC home. Beautiful place and highly recommended. My wife and i have been joined at the hip for 50 years now. Her memory is very bad and she does not recognize our daughter at all and daily she doesnt remember who i am, then remembers and hugs me and says please never leave me. I have been caring for her for 11 years now and my health is going to be an issue soon. After considering the benefits to her and my health we finally placed her on May 4. First late afternoon they said she was kicking the door to try and get out and verbally trying to get people to let her out. Next day they said she stopped that but put her things in a trash bag and was walking the halls trying to go home, which she was starting to do at home also. Its so hard to hear that, but i guess for many the transition can be difficult. I am hoping after some time i can visit her and that this will help her but am afraid i will only make matters worse if i visit at this point, its only been 3 days. I love her so much and can barely stand this but we cannot care for her at home anymore in a quality way at home. Since i am alone here it is extremely difficult to hear these things and keep from running over there and getting her and bringing her home. I am really torn and am in anguish hourly over the transition. Any suggestions would be welcome.

June45

Chris, every time you want to run over there to bring her home, stop and remember what it was like when she was home. Think really hard about it. Many times I wanted to bring my husband home and I stopped and thought of those months of no sleep when he was home. This is a very hard and painful decision. Probably best to not go over there yet.

ladyzetta

Chris.

June is so right you do not want to bring her home, things will be worse if you do. Remember this disease takes over and thing progress. You did a hard thing buy placing your DW but you did it out of love. I also had to place my DH it was very hard each time I visited. When the time came he thought I was just one of the caregivers, the visits were easier. It will be hard on the first visit but believe me things will get better. After I saw all the loving care my DH was getting it made me feel better. Be strong you did the right thing and you did it out of love. Hugs Zetta 

Ernie123

Chris: This is probably the worst time of all. You are stressed and exhausted from the placement and feel such anguish that you cannot help your DW when that is all you want to do. It is hard to realize but working through this transition is helping her and yourself for the long run. I had to place my DW three years ago. It was without a doubt the most difficult experience of my life.   Keep in mind the staff at a MC facility is trained in helping new residents settle. Once your DW becomes familiar with her new surroundings and routines she will feel safe. It is probably harder on you than her. Do not feel guilt or self doubt. You must work through this for the ultimate benefit to both of you. I think it is the feeling of helplessness that is so hard for the spouse at home. I visit my DW daily. Most days she is doing ok but on a bad day when she is delusional and paranoid I just leave because the amazing PSWS are so good with her and better at calming her than I am. I have accepted that it would be impossible at home for me to give her the care and social stimulation she gets in her unit.  Never lose sight of the strength and courage you have shown to do what is best for you both even though in the moment it is so painful.

Joydean

Chris, as others have said, you did this because of your love for her. Your love has not stopped nor will it. Your own health is not so good right now and if you get worse who would take care of your wife? She is now in a safe place with people that can and will take care of her and you can hopefully get better yourself. I know your heart is hurting. Get your health back. Prayers for you and your dear wife.

Marie58

Chris, hang in there. It's a time of adjustment for both of you and it's probably harder on you. She'll settle in and then you can visit. When I placed DH, I didn't visit for about a week. He actually adjusted pretty well, but I have seen the things you described with some of the other residents. One lady packed her stuff every day and sat on a bench near a window for several days waiting to be picked up. But I'm happy to report she adjusted and stopped doing that and is quite content there now. Blessings to you and DW during this time. Nothing is easy about it....