I am at my wit’s end….

Care4Mom2

My DH and I sold our house and we are packing. I have done most of it because my DH gets confused if I give him too much to do. At the same time, he is always asking me if he can help. So when I find something that think he can handle, I let him; but I keep my directions minimal. 

Today I told him to pack up the top of his desk. I pointed to what I wanted him to do since that was always his compliant — that I don’t tell him specifically what I want him I do. The truth is, he just doesn’t process it correctly.

I was downstairs packing up the kitchen, but checked on him. That seemed to annoy him as if I was saying he was not capable. I told him that if he was getting confused or overwhelmed, he needed to stop. He was cleaning out his desk drawer where three checkbooks were (which was not what I told him to do, but okay…) I took the checkbooks, though, and put them in a file bin to the left of the desk, and told him that I don’t want them packed (along with the receipts from bills that I paid) because I need to make sure I have access to them. (I don’t want them lost in all the other boxes.)

A little while later, he came downstairs with two of the three checkbooks and wanted to know what I wanted him to do with them. I immediately ask where the 3rd checkbook was (that was the most important one). I was exasperated and told him that he was to leave them where I had them. Then I told him where that was. He told me that is all I had to say….

Five minutes later, he came downstairs and asked if he gave me the checkbooks…. I thought, “OMG what did he do with them?”  I went to check and they were sort of where I told them to put them. But all the receipts in the file bin were gone… I was even more exasperated.  He told me that he is not doing it on purpose. I told him that I know that, but I don’t know what to do because he is not listening to me. I realize that he can’t help it. I just don’t know what to do. He is fully functional otherwise. He just can’t follow directions. He knows he is having issues, but his personality is such that he can’t allow me to take control.

I am at my wit’s end…

PS Sometimes I think it would be easier on me if my husband didn’t realize what is going on with his memory or brain function… Either way, I guess, it can be frustrating for anyone…

KathyF1

My DH is exactly the same. It’s so much easier if I do everything myself. If he helps it’s more work for me. I can sympathize with your frustration. We are also contemplating moving so we can be close to my mom and sister. I am dreading the process. He too always asks if he can help, but the truth is he can’t. Moving is so stressful and I’m sure that isn’t helping with your ability to be patient with him. Prayers are with you.

JJ401

I’ve learned that if something is important, I need to put it somewhere DH does not have access. Get a lock box and put all the important papers in it now. 

Our house is small and fine right now. But, I know that in the future I probably won’t be able to keep it up. There are some repairs that need to be done. I had a contractor come out and look it over and give us a proposal. Unless the bid is completely out of wack, I’m going to hire this guy. He’s not the cheapest, but he does good work. We’ve used him before. What DH doesn’t realize is that it’s not just repair. He’s also doing some work that will make the house better for resale. DH would never agree to work for resale as he plans to live here forever, but if I say repair it’s fine. So repair it is.

jmlarue

Now is the ideal time to gather ALL of these important items like checkbooks, bank statements, legal documents, stuff from the safe deposit box, etc. all together in a single box, taped shut, and labeled something obnoxious like "feminine hygiene products" so he won't be tempted to rifle through it. Put it out of sight. Re-tape the top whenever you add something to it. You might also want to start removing important things like bank cards, insurance cards, social security card, etc. from his wallet. Believe me when I tell you that ALL of these things will eventually be misplaced, hidden, lost or thrown away quicker than you can possibly imagine. You can't imagine the depths of despair until finding and/or replacing these things becomes a daily exercise in futility.

Care4Mom2

 

jmlarue wrote:

Now is the ideal time to gather ALL of these important items like checkbooks, bank statements, legal documents, stuff from the safe deposit box, etc. all together in a single box, taped shut, and labeled something obnoxious like "feminine hygiene products" so he won't be tempted to rifle through it. Put it out of sight. Re-tape the top whenever you add something to it. You might also want to start removing important things like bank cards, insurance cards, social security card, etc. from his wallet. Believe me when I tell you that ALL of these things will eventually be misplaced, hidden, lost or thrown away quicker than you can possibly imagine. You can't imagine the depths of despair until finding and/or replacing these things becomes a daily exercise in futility.

jmlarue, I will make sure everything is put away. I did take 3 credit cards away from my DH. He was using them for very small purchases. I want to keep it simple.... and there will be less to worry about paying -- or forgetting to pay... One he forgot to pay -- a $22 purchase cost us $44. After that, he told me I could pay bills. Then he went behind me and paid it again.... 

I would like to change passwords on some online accounts. But, he is still smart enough to say he forgot the password and request a reset... When we move, we will have to change banks. Then the online account will have my credentials only.

Buggsroo

I have a similar problem with my husband. He insists on doing the dishes; his version put them away unwashed. Every night I ask him nicely to leave the washing up to me. No dice, I have to find the dirty dishes, wash them, then try to put them away so he won’t help me. 

As for your important documents, the advice of putting them in a box, labelling them and keeping them out of his clutches is a good one. May taking photos of them with your phone and storing the pics on it, will help you if he does start being “helpful”.

jmlarue

Good for you! Glad you're thinking ahead on some of these work-arounds to protect both of you from some really harsh consequences. It tried to be proactive on most of this, but I kept putting off cleaning out his wallet because I knew it would be a fight. Sure enough, he misplaced it one day and I had to go through the whole cancel and replace routine. I turned this house upside down looking for that wallet. A month later, he came walking into the kitchen with it in hand. Couldn't tell me where he found it. When I finally gave his wallet back to him, it was stuffed full of customer appreciation cards and an expired driver's license. He doesn't have a clue anymore that it's a worthless lump of leather and plastic in his back pocket. Geez, I hate this disease.

ElaineD

Dear Care4;

We moved into our retirement facility three years ago, and my DH could not organize anything for the move.  He did, at my direction, take things to donate.  But he could not plan the move at all.  

He also cannot throw anything away, so our apartment is very cluttered.  I have begun to remove some things, to see if he notices.  So far he hasn't noticed at all!

I realize how lucky I am that I've always been in charge of everything financial in our almost 60 years of marriage.  And also that he has never used his credit card to order things by phone or online.  I hope that doesn't change, but I realize that anything could change as he progresses.

Right now he is in the early stage of dementia.  He very slowly declining in his short term memory and also doesn't remember most of the major events of the past.  He can however reminisce  endlessly when he talks on the phone with high school friends about events, places, and people from high school days. 

It is interesting that recently he has begun to have 'suggestions and ideas' about things that have always been my responsibility.   Now I always give him the monthly statements from Fidelity about our retirement funds, which he takes gladly and does not look at beyond a glance at the first page (there are at least 8 pages or more).   I think he is trying to be helpful and that he imagines that he is also being 'responsible'.

Things are pretty calm at this point.  And he is sweeter and more considerate than he's ever been.  I sometimes see 'flashes' of the angry, critical man he was, which was actually a great deal worse in the first 3 years at the start of his dementia.  But about 3 years ago the anger and criticism basically went away.

He did bring my a bouquet of roses for Mother's Day!  

And this morning he brought me breakfast in bed.  In our retirement facility he can pick up breakfast in the cafe when he goes down for the newspaper.

He even remembered to put cream in my coffee.  So we're at a good place, for now.

Last, most important point.  My DH is MY CARETAKER.  I am severely disabled, physically, and he helps me with so many activities of daily life.  I just wish things would stay as they are....but I can't control that, of course.  Taking this a day at a time.

elained

JDancer

I can relate to each of these posts. They describe life with my DH.

One comment stood out-Care4Monm2 wrote , "he's not listening to me." I often think the same thing. In frustration I sometimes say, "Listen to me!" But when I saw those words I realized, they are listening, they just aren't processing and understanding. No amount of listening will help a PWD understand. I have to change my thinking/reaction.

Ed1937

JDancer wrote:

One comment stood out-Care4Monm2 wrote , "he's not listening to me." I often think the same thing. In frustration I sometimes say, "Listen to me!" But when I saw those words I realized, they are listening, they just aren't processing and understanding. No amount of listening will help a PWD understand. I have to change my thinking/reaction.

You got it! It's not always easy to do, but it sure makes it easier for us.

Care4Mom2

  

 I do try to remind myself that my DH cannot process what I am asking him to do most of the time. I guess it helps me to say, "You aren't listening to me!"

It does make me smile, though, because it reminds me of my mother. She was 94 at the time (95-1/2 when she passed away). I would tell her to stay in the chair (because I had to go to the bathroom and she was a fall risk).... As soon as I was out of sight, she tried to get up from her chair. Then I decided to tie her in the chair with exercise bands (just across the arms of the chair) when I had to leave the room. I returned just a few minutes later and she was untying them! She was a piece of work.... 

Today, I attempted to have an honest conversation with my DH after he moved the checkbooks from where I told him (twice) that I wanted them. (I took them and put them in another place, out of his sight.) He also couldn't find a key to the fire box. He told me last night that he put it on his keyring. He forgot. Fortunately, I had found 2 extra keys and I put them in a safe place. I was trying to be serious with him about Alzheimer's, and he made fun of the situation. That is typical.

sandwichone123

I did buy a lockbox for important papers and jewelry (my Grandmother wrapped jewelry in Kleenex and threw them out). I also have the issue with rewashing dishes after he "washes" them. My dh is kind and thoughtful, but I like to have him help when I am in the room. He can't really follow directions, but he can mirror, so I can show him what to do and he can follow along. I wouldn't leave him with something that matters and go to another room.

Bob in LW

Your DH's experiences are very typical of someone with loss of short-term memory.  My SO cannot remember where to find anything, so she leaves things out so that she can see them without opening doors and drawers, resulting in a lot of clutter, especially in the bathroom. My biggest problem is determining how much control to assert over our daily lives.  Things run much smoother when I take control of everything, but then she is unhappy because she is left out of the planning.  When we are planning a car trip, I type out a detailed itinerary, print it out, and give it to her so that she can put it on her calendar.  I have learned to make extra copies because she will misplace the original and say that she never received it.  This is just normal for someone with loss of short-term memory, and I just have to accept it and deal with it.

dayn2nite2

Care4Mom2 wrote:

  

Today, I attempted to have an honest conversation with my DH after he moved the checkbooks from where I told him (twice) that I wanted them. (I took them and put them in another place, out of his sight.) He also couldn't find a key to the fire box. He told me last night that he put it on his keyring. He forgot. Fortunately, I had found 2 extra keys and I put them in a safe place. I was trying to be serious with him about Alzheimer's, and he made fun of the situation. That is typical.

He is incapable of an "honest conversation."  You are it, you are responsible for making sure that things that are important to you are kept out of his reach.  If he continues to be able to have access to important papers and things, then you can expect that he will continue to misplace and lose them.

BABS1

I am new to this group and I am reading some of the posts and can really relate as my DH has been diagnosed with dementia. I didn't really want to believe it but after becoming so out of sorts myself with frustration I spoke to my doctor and after some testing for him, I know now that I will need help for myself in order to deal with this illness .  We are both retired now and I don't know why I didn't see the signs. I just thought he was becoming more stubborn.  

Well, I just wanted to connect with others who are experiencing the same issues and hopefully help me work through this devastating process for both of us. 

Thanks for listening 

jmlarue

Welcome Babs. While I wish you didn't have to be here, I'm glad you found us. You're are among friends who will try to guide you through this terrible journey. Feel free to ask questions. The most efficient way is to make your own post with a succinct topic title to draw attention to your issue. You can feel free to "vent" your frustrations here, too. No judgements. All  of us post an emotional venting post from time to time. Most understand that these are really just desperate pleas for help and advice, wrapped up in words we're afraid to say out loud to family, friends or doctors. We all understand how hard it is to hold our emotions in check for the sake our our LO's with dementia, but it's not easy or healthy to keep it all bottled up indefinitely. This is a safe place for you. Pull up a chair and make yourself at home.

Oceanview64

This is my first time posting - My DH has vascular dementia. I just read through this thread. So many similarities. His initial stubbornness caused me so much frustration until my daughter said I was in denial.  We waited 6 months before we got the appointment with a  neurologist and then another 6 months before Neuropsych testing - he was contrary, confused and hates being asked to do things he used to do - like clean up after dinner. We took him off Facebook because he clicked on every ad.  Everyday we get mortgage companies calling us, leaving messages, because he answered a promo saying they could find a way to lower our mortgage rate.    I am glad that I found this forum.

ImMaggieMae

Welcome to the club nobody wants to have a reason to join, Babs. I second everything jmlarue said.  I also understand the frustration and being out of sorts yourself. My DH was diagnosed with MCI in 2018 although he was experiencing mild memory loss even before that. I blamed it on a chemo drug he had taken in 2010 and just plain old age. It wasn’t until early August 2021 that he starting having obsessive behaviors like brushing his teeth, cleaning his glasses, taking showers and other things hundreds of times throughout the day and night, not remembering or thinking he hadn’t done it right. It was impossible to find a neurologist for 8 months and his GP wasn’t very helpful other than prescribing aricept and later namenda which didn’t seem to make a lot of difference. Until I found this forum I had no idea of what we were dealing with which was progressing quickly. Although he has never been aggressive in any way, arguing  or trying to have a reasonable discussion about any of these behaviors was useless. I was way over the top with frustration. With other health problems, there was always a plan. With dementia things sometimes change weekly or even daily and everyone is so different and unpredictable.

People on this forum are living with loved ones with the disease and the isolation it often brings. They have solutions for some of the behaviors or what has worked for them. Many have been through the legal aspects of getting Powers of Attorney in place and all the obstacles one has to deal with. I’ve learned so much from this group and I hope you will too.

Ocean view, our posts crossed. Welcome. I was in denial too, even after it became undeniable. How can this be happening to us?