The Emotional Aspects

Nerdyblond

I read some of these stories and they are very heartbreaking. Some of you adored your loved ones, some of you did not. I am in the middle of that. My mom had 7 kids and only the oldest was her favorite. She flat out ignored me most of my life. She was EXTREMELY critical. She had to always point out flaws. 

I found out last year that mom was a bit of a player and had had a few affairs. My sister that was born before me and I are the product of an affair she had with a teenager...Yep. My sister was always called fat by mom. Apparently I was unusually smart and had this photographic memory I did not remember having (pun was intended). I think she ignored me because she was jealous or something.

 Being her caregiver was literally dumped in my lap. My youngest sister and I were taking turns. When COVID reared its sniper head, my sister in Washington (who has POA) wanted mom to get vaccinated. I was against it but after seeing how being un-vaccinated affected mom's medical care, I got her her  the shot. Most of my sister are nay-sayers and two BLEW UP! One being my youngest who was helping me. She quit and said I had to do it full time because "vaccinated people need to stay together". My oldest sister called my Washington sister a devil, every unvaccinated person who goes around mom will catch COVID, and mom and I will be dead in a week. 

So I ended up being mom's full time caregiver as of October of 2021. Been caring for mom since January of 2021 because mom od'd on steroids she was taking for a rash and had a psychotic meltdown. My oldest sister was doing this and left the pills with mom and instructions that she could not follow because she was forgetting. 

 I find it hard to have sympathy or empathy for my mom because of how she was. I could do it last year. She was scared and sad and emotions like that make this disease progress faster. She wanted to die in her house so we tried to honor that...I tried to honor that.  I can't do this....she is about to be put in a home because I truly can't do this. I am not qualified or trained, and it is not in my heart to have that love she needs. One cannot give to someone what they did not get from that same someone.

However, I read all of these other stories and a lot the situations seem so much worse than mine. I am weak, I'll admit it. I find a lot of strength, integrity and determination in all of you. If anyone happens to read this, just know I admire you for stepping up and if anyone needs encouragement, I do that well!! 

My name is Nerdyblond (Lisa) and I approve this message.

SusanB-dil

Hi Nerdyblond Lisa - welcome to 'here'...

It does not make you weak to not step up to dementia caregiving.  A lot of people just cannot do 'this'. It is hard. It is not rewarding. Did I mention it is HARD?!! You might have one day up and three days down... It is certainly not for everyone, especially with the added stress of the complicated relationship not only with mom, but also your siblings.  Remember - you are the one who did step up and have been taking care. You know it is time for you to move on, but I just don't see that as being weak.  What are the others saying now as far as someone else taking over, or are they giving any ideas at all as to what to do, especially your older sister with the POA?   

Wise advice here - you can also check out the 'solutions' tab above, and there is a line to call that may help you.  

SQBEAR50

Lisa,

You are not weak. I don't speak to my mom (many years of mental/physically abuse) I've told all of my family I will not be taking care of her if she gets sick. Hopefully her favorite son will or the state will have to.

Nicole

Lafmore

Lisa-

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Caring for someone with ALZ/DEM is incredibly hard- even when you love them with all your heart. The care is relentless and if you're doing it on your own there is absolutely no time for you. I cared for my sister, the person I love most in the world, until I could no longer. There comes a point where you just have to let go, even if your mom wanted to be at home, and get the help they need and you need. You made a wise decision to do what was necessary and get her into care. You have nothing to feel bad about. And I understand your feelings of resentment. My mother was starting to get dementia and there's no way I would have cared for her like my sister. I got her into assisted living. Our relationship was also challenging and I know I would have resented having to care for her. I think it is a normal emotion for people when dealing with their abusers. So take comfort that you did a very loving thing for someone who did not return that love. Both you and your mom will be better off with her in care. Bless you and prayers your family can come together in a good way.

Debbie

Nerdyblond

Hi everyone! Thank you for responding!

My sister with the POA (she's in Washington) was the one who decided it was time to put mom in a home. We haven't talked to the other siblings yet. We're getting solid and medical proof that mom needs more care before we say anything. 

We made a plan: Washington POA sis will get all the medical reports and stuff. Then we will look for a place for mom, then we're gonna talk to  mom. We'll face chat. Then we'll let everyone know... and we will be ready when the bad sister tries anything, because she will. She already has and she's mentally and emotionally ill...and she's mean...yeah... Then it will be Washington POA sis's time to cry...then I will cry because despite my feelings toward my mom, I will still feel bad. My sister in Florida will fly down and after we get mom moved we will clean out her house and get it ready to sell. 

And somewhere along the way I might have to serve on federal jury duty...WHOOOOO!!!!! Said no one!

I truly appreciate everyone's support! Thank you so much! It is hard not to feel alone in this and I am glad I am not alone.

Joydean

Lisa you are not alone. Sadly there are a lot of us caring for loved ones or some one. For me, it’s my husband. My mom had a slew of kids also,(9) gave the first 3 of us away, may different foster homes. Childhood was not a good time, too much abuse, physical, verbal, and sexual. I would never have been able to take care of her. Only saw her a few times after the age of 8. I said all this to you because I admire you for caring for your mom as long as you have. 

God bless you! 

Nerdyblond

I'm so sorry to hear that Joydean. There are a whole bunch of people here who are caring for parents whom they have some resentment for. God bless you too. Again, I am sorry that happened to you

Kris_Hartley

Lisa,

I am truly humbled by your honesty and vulnerability. Caring for a LO is tough enough, but to provide this level of care (necessary when they battle this terrible disease) for someone who doesn't deserve it shows what an extraordinary person you truly are (and all the folks who reached out here). I'm so sorry for all of the hellish sh-- (are we allowed to say that here?) you went through...I can completely relate. You are tough, strong, clearly loving, and a WONDERFUL daughter.  Be proud of what you were able to do and you, girlfriend, ROCK.

With Aloha,

Kris

GothicGremlin

Hey there Nerdyblond-Lisa --

Just adding my two cents -- I don't think you're being weak, I think you're being realistic. I think it's very important to know what is best for our loved ones, and what's best for us as caregivers.

I had to place my sister in memory care this last October, and it wasn't out of animosity, it was because she needed more care than I could provide on my own, even with a couple of caregivers helping me out. Like you, I felt that I had reached the end of my abilities to provide adequate care.

The result? Peggy is doing so much better in memory care. She's still fairly social, so it's good for her to have other residents to (sort of) talk to, as well as staff. It was traumatic at first, but I'm so glad we did it.  I'm still very present, I talk on the phone with her most days, and visit in person a couple of times a week. 

In my case, it's working out - so far.  I wish the best for you and your family.