Hospice called police

TrixinTexas

Hi. I am new here. My dad is caring for my mom which is 3 hours from my home. We have a deposit on a MC place and waiting on the eval from them to move her in. In the meantime, we got hospice set up. Today they were trying to give my mom a bath and she was being combative and so my dad slapped her. The aid called the police when she left and they showed up at my parents house obviously and he had to provide a statement. I am sure this is a legal step that she has to report it. My question is will this cause my mom to be refused from the MC? 

And as you all know, my dad is at the end of his rope. He needs help which we are trying to get him. I don't blame him for the slap. He loves her. He can't handle her anymore. 

sandwichone123

Trixin, I have no answers but just wanted to say I'm so sorry this situation is unfolding for you. It's difficult to predict what the fallout may be.

Nerdyblond

You know trixinTexas...I feel very bad for your dad. Caregiving is extremely hard. I care for my mom, and I cannot do it. My POA sister and I are going to get her into a home. So hat is off to your dad for doing the best he can under the circumstances!

My dad has dementia and is a terrible hoarder. I tried to help him and we got into a big fight about his stuff. I almost punched him. I turned away and hit my truck instead. He got scared and walked away. I still have a hard time being around him because unless we are just talking about life, he will berate me and be a complete jerk. I'm going to visit him this Sunday. He lives with my youngest sister. I do a lot of writing, so I am bringing a notebook with me to take notes and I will write a story about him and NOT TOUCH HIS STUFF AT ALL!!!

So the bottom line is your dad has to try harder to control himself. If your mom gets combative, he just needs to stop, start talking about something completely different, wait a bit and then try again after he gets her smiling or laughing. He has to remember that she has no control over herself, so he needs to just stop and not react. Give it a minute or two and try again. If she is still combative, hug her, and wait until the next day.

I don't think this will cause her to be refused for memory care. If anything this might actually help because the overall goal is to keep her safe. So people will do whatever is necessary to keep her safe and your dad going. I'm sure this isn't the first case of bad reactions and it will definitely not be the last. 

The aid did what she's legally required to do. But your dad will probably have to answer for that.

Just remember your mom cannot help it. She is very confused and scared. Fight or flight mode will kick in. It is very important to keep a calm environment .

Good luck! We got ya!

harshedbuzz

TrixinTexas-

I suspect that this is one of those "there by the grace of God moments" for a lot of people. Caregiving is a tough gig; caregiving for a combative person without respite is soul sucking. 

I don't know the specific of laws where dad is nor how rigorously those charged with protecting the vulnerable elderly enforce them. That your mom is still in the home is a good thing for your dad. 

In your shoes, I would come up with a plan to mitigate any consequences that come from this. If they have a CELA, it would be useful to sit down with that person and discuss the situation. They likely would know if this is the kind of thing where your dad would be given a warning or if it is likely to be escalated to assault charges and custody changes.

Do you have the flexibility to come and stay with your mom if the hospice refuses to serve your mom with your dad living in the home? The companies that provide these services can refuse to send staff into situations which the deem unsafe for their staff. If the state determined that your dad was unfit to be a caregiver, could you obtain guardianship to prevent the state doing so? 

HB

MN Chickadee

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. If I were you I would consult an elder law attorney in their state. The attorney can tell you how this might proceed and what consequences there may be. You also want a relationship with the attorney in case it does escalate up the legal chain and you need to obtain guardianship of mom all of a sudden. I honestly have no idea where it might go so I would make myself prepared. I would also contact the MC and let them know you would like to move her as soon as possible, sometimes if they know someone really needs to move and it has become urgent they step up the pace. MC facilities do sometimes ban family members from their premises if they cause problems. My friend's brother was banned from visiting his mother for being nasty to the staff. They finally worked out an arrangement where he could only visit if he was coming with another family member to keep him in line. So I don't know how this place might handle it. As for mom, hopefully being in a stable predictable environment with dementia trained staff will help her anxiety and combativeness. If not, you might need to look at geriatric psychiatry to get her stable enough to be cared for. Sometimes this is necessary for the MC to be able to handle it. It can be done in an inpatient setting (geriatric behavioral health unit) or out patient in a clinic or a visiting physician to the facility. Geriatric psychiatrists are the best at tinkering with those medications and doses. Or a neurologist or some kind of dementia specialist. Some of this may get sorted out during the intake process as the facility learns more about your mom ahead of the move. Are you able to go stay with your parents while this gets worked out? A lot of moving pieces. Have you spoken with the hospice agency to see if they are going to keep coming to the home? You might also try calling the Alzheimers Association hotline and ask to speak to a care consultant. They have social workers who specialize in all things dementia and will know what resources are in the area and can help talk through challenges. The service is free. 800-272-3900

Olly_Bake

I feel for your parents and you. It’s good to know that there are some people willing to ensure the safety of our elderly or most vulnerable. With that being said, those in the medical field are considered mandated reporters. That includes personal care assistants. I would consult with an attorney just in case things do go further. Not only could hospice have called the police but they could have also reported your family to adult protection. I don’t know if this will cause MC to not accept your mom but the combative behavior may cause them pause. But if the report takes off, your dad may not be allowed to see your mom. Hugs to you for trying to get mom and dad some help, protection, and hopefully some peace. They both sound like it is needed now.

JJAz

Since the police were called, there may now be a social worker involved . . . and this may not be all bad news.  They may be able to facilitate getting Mom into LTC more quickly.  Don't hesitate to call the police to see what their report says and what Social Services are involved. 

 Don't worry too much about Mom being rejected from MC for this incident.  If she does, it was definitely not a good place for her to be. You want her to be in a facility where they have the skills to handle a resistant patient.  Some facilities only want the little old ladies in a wheelchair and they will eventually get rid of everyone else by sending them to a psych hospital at the first behavioral problem.  You don't want that.