MC for DW 10 days Ago

Norm 22

My DW, age 70,  started exhibiting symptoms a little over two years ago.   She was diagnosed with atypical Alzheimer's - meaning the part of the brain initially impacted was different then most. Her disease progressed rapidly and I was her only full-time caregiver as family does not live in the Chicago area.  I could no longer take care of her alone after two UTI's and a bout of delirium. I burned out at the time she needed increased care.  She knows where she is and why and is understandable very upset. My stress been replaced by a combination of grief and guilt. Sometimes I even feel relief, which leads to more guilt among the complexity of emotions imposed by dementia.

jmlarue

It's absolutely normal to feel grief and guilt and for her to be upset. It's going to take some time for both of you to adjust to this new situation. The adjustment period will be prolonged and rough on everyone's emotions if you are having frequent visits or phone calls in these early days since placement. If that's what is going on, you need to take a step back. Stay away for a couple of weeks (call it a respite) and only talk directly with the staff about her condition and care - not to her. This is hard, but you need to remind yourself that bringing her home really isn't a good option for either of you.

Marie58

Norm, your feelings are normal, but try not to feel guilty. (Grief is a whole different topic. We have reason to grieve.) Try to remember why she's there and how hard it was for you when she was home. She will get the care there that you couldn't give 24/7. And that's a good reason for placement. You and your health matter, too. I placed DH about a year and a half ago. Guilt still creeps in. One of the caregivers at DH's MC reminded me that they have 3 shifts of staff, 8 hours each, with two days off per week. When a LO is home, it's 24/7 for the caregiver, not 40 hours/week. I wasn't getting much sleep and no days off when DH was home. Give yourselves both time to adjust. Blessings to you and DW.

David J

Norm, I placed my wife 8 months ago. It started as a respite stay while I was having surgery, but by the end of the respite, it was clear that staying at the MCF was better for her and better for me. I went through stages of loneliness, grief, anger at fate, and even boredom. I had been her 24/7 caregiver and then suddenly she wasn’t there and I had no part in her day to day care. With the help and reassurance of friends and family, I have regained peace of mind and with spring arriving I am keeping busy. My stress level is way down from what it was in the days before placement. The MCF is 10 minutes away, and I see her several times per week. I keep on top of her health and her meds, and work with the staff on her behavior issues. I am still in charge. 

I just changed my profile picture from the painting “The Scream”, to a picture of our last dog. She loved that dog. 

M1

Norm, we're four weeks at MC tomorrow after a 3-week psych hospitalizaton.  Wish I could say it's getting easier but it's not.  I'm a trigger, haven 't seen or talked to her in two weeks now.  Friends went to see her today and only upset her.  She's telling everyone she's moving home to Texas (planning to live with her childhood next-door neighbor) and telling everyone that I've abandoned her for someone else.  

Killing me.  The pro's still say just give it time and keep my distance.  But I don't think it's going to change.  I didn't expect the cutoff to be this abrupt and this absolute.  I feel like she's in prison and I'm sure she feels like a caged animal.

Ed1937

Norm, this is a really tough part of this life. I'm sorry.

M1, I'm sorry things are still so bad with your wife's acceptance. Your feelings are quite understandable, but I'm praying for an improvement very soon.

Joydean

Norm, I’m sorry this is so hard, others have said to give her more time. I have no words of wisdom for you. Just wanted you to know I will be praying for you and your wife. 

Joe C.

Norm, I am sorry you are having these challenges with placement. Hopefully in time she will acclimated to her new surroundings and make some friends.

Norm 22

M1,  I understand the theory behind letting your loved one  adjust to MC with limited contact to their DH or DW.   I don't think though one can properly use a one size fits all methodology in dealing with dementia. We all know everyone's unfortunate experience with  this disease is different. I haven't been staying away from MC and I don't really intend to. My wife would think I abandoned her if all of a sudden I was AWOL. Everyone needs to make their own decision based on their unique knowledge of their LO,* and their unique relationship with that person.