Took off my wedding band

David J

Last night, I took off my wedding band and put it with all the other jewelry (mostly hers) that isn't worn any more. I never liked jewelry, watches, rings, bracelets, necklaces, all that stuff. I wore the wedding band for almost 45 years but there is no longer any reason. I wore it for her, but now she doesn’t notice. In some ways I feel like a cad, denying the connection that still exists. But the connection that caused me to wear that ring for 45 years is gone. I love her, and I think she loves me, but it’s all different. Wearing or not wearing the ring won’t change my feelings or change our dismal future. I still feel like I’ve denied her. 3 times before the cock crows.

Vitruvius

I no longer wear my wedding ring. I had to take it off shorty after DW stopped recognizing me as her husband, although she accepts me as some she is comfortable having around. Early on one day she noticed my wedding ring and became somewhat puzzled by it. She wanted to know who I was married to and since I was married to someone else why was I with her. I dodged the discussion somehow and decided it would be better to just take it off and avoid any consternation on her part. She still occasionally asks me if I have a girlfriend and I always say yes it’s you. She smiles takes this as a joke.

Crushed

I married  a wonderful woman 47 years ago this month.  We had a fabulous life together.  But that woman is gone and has been gone for over 3 years.  I refuse to "stuff" my marriage like a dead animal skin  and keep it in the living room like "Trigger".  I refuse to pretend that the shell she left behind is really her and that she is "in there" somewhere.  

I am totally responsible for her comfort and care.    I know that.  I see her on Facetime almost every day and in person twice a week.   I hand feed her. I check her fingernails,  her eyes, her hair and her skin.  Her care costs $150,000 a year and she  is worth every penny. 

I  miss her so much

Joe C.

David, I certainly understand your decision as I have asked myself when I will take it off. I still love DW but it is the love of a caregiver not a spouse and she no longer recognizes me as her husband.

Jeff86

It’s complicated and not complicated.   What Pauline Boss has written about.   DW is there but not there.  Ambiguous loss.  We’re married but only one of us knows that.  It hasn’t been a marriage for years.

I still wear my wedding ring, though completely get you, David.  (DW has lost so much weight that her ring just falls off.)

Even with that…yesterday I was at a bar having a glass of wine with my business partner and, despite the wedding ring (because?), the woman sitting to my left absolutely hit on me.  I was more stunned than flattered.

DrinaJGB

I took mine of years ago because I was feeling more like his parent than his wife--for a dozen years now. Now I only wear a fire opal which is supposed to bring joy to the heart (still waiting), and sometimes a Celtic gold band  if the mood strikes. The original one that DH bought me was from the man I fell in love with years ago who has been replaced by an imposter.

  DH still wears his. Once in a while I will put mine back on but it doesn't feel the same. Just like the relationship.

Jack in WN

When do I know it's time to consider a qualified dementia facility? My wife's anger  and verbal abuse towards me is increasing , especially late afternoons and evenings.

Ed1937

I've copied Jack's post above, and will start a new thread with it because he will likely get many more answers to it. Making a post like this really needs it's own thread.

mrl

I'm Stage 8 for 22 months and still haven't taken mine off. Cry a little everyday... to each

his own I guess.

Michele

Ed1937

Guess what? I never had a ring! My wife did, but it's been missing for some time. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about that.

toolbeltexpert

David you are faithful ring or no ring. Your heart tells you this. We will all do things, myself include, that causes us to think, am I denying my love by my actions. I never thought about the problems it could cause, like vitruvius talked about. I stopped wearing my wedding ring because of occupational activity. I had 2 rings crushed on my finger, one time my HS ring kept my hand from going thru two large rollers, I have hung from a roof till the ring cut a chuck of the metal drip edge.it was a only foot to the ground but there I hung, after that I stopped wearing any jewelry.

Battlebuddy

   I recently started wearing my husbands wedding ring on my right hand. I didn’t want it to get lost and want to pass it down to my son. 

    But it looks kind of great on my hand . It has 5 tiny diamonds on it and is shiny. When my husband picked out my engagement ring , he decided he wanted the sparkle too and had the band made. I’ve got used to it being there and it reminds me of DH. I find it comforting. 

    I will hand it over if my son wants it, but kind of hoping he doesn’t .  

JoseyWales

DH rarely wore his wedding ring. Then, just before he was diagnosed, he started wanting to wear it. But it no longer fit, so he got a new ring. Luckily it was pretty cheap - about $30 if I remember - because he lost 3 of them within a short time. After the last one was lost he stopped wearing any again.

I wore my ring with a tiny diamond until the diamond fell out about 10 years ago. I got a beautiful replacement band about 8 years ago. I've stopped wearing it, too. I'm just too sad most of the time, and no longer really feel married.

Stuck in the middle

 

 toolbeltexpert wrote:

David you are faithful ring or no ring. Your heart tells you this. We will all do things, myself include, that causes us to think, am I denying my love by my actions. I never thought about the problems it could cause, like vitruvius talked about. I stopped wearing my wedding ring because of occupational activity. I had 2 rings crushed on my finger, one time my HS ring kept my hand from going thru two large rollers, I have hung from a roof till the ring cut a chuck of the metal drip edge.it was a only foot to the ground but there I hung, after that I stopped wearing any jewelry.

 

I knew a man who lost his finger that way.  He was an office manager and was assembling steel shelving for a storeroom and slipped off the little 2-step stepladder.  The ring caught in one of the pre-drilled holes and the finger popped off.

I try to remember to remove my ring when I'm working, but sometimes I forget

 

Marie58

I still wear my ring and have no intention of removing it any time soon. I don't plan on taking it off when DH passes. Probably eventually, but I don't know when. DH is in MC and has lost a lot of weight. The staff found his wedding ring in his bed one morning a month or so ago. I knew it was getting loose. It's now on my key ring.

A. Marie

The "ring or no ring" decision is personal for each and every one of us. I'm leaving mine on for two reasons: (1) I have no desire whatever to start looking for someone new; and (2) as Jane Austen has Anne Elliot (the heroine of her last complete novel, Persuasion) say, "All the privilege I claim...is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone." Hope is gone for me--but I'm still loving my DH.

toolbeltexpert

A. Marie wrote:

The "ring or no ring" decision is personal for each and every one of us. I'm leaving mine on for two reasons: (1) I have no desire whatever to start looking for someone new; and (2) as Jane Austen has Anne Elliot (the heroine of her last complete novel, Persuasion) say, -but I'm still loving my DH.

I agree about it being personal all the post are all good. And that quote it really says it well. This is why I read alot of the posts. I think it was Ed1937 where I read this first. I could be wrong. We are in the same leaky boat.

ButterflyWings

I love my rings and love DH, though the guy that's here impersonating him most of the time is a piece of work.

One stroke of good luck on this journey was me happening to notice his wedding band on the edge of the bathroom sink one day last year. (I think it was last year. Time is blurring these days. It may have been before that). Anyway, why he took it off I don't know, and he had walked away without noticing of course. I saw that accident waiting to happen: down the drain or maybe flushed, and I would have been heartbroken. Rather than giving it back to him, I put it on one of my biggest fingers and wear his and my wedding rings from that day on. They match It makes me happy for now, every time I notice it. When that is no longer the case, I will put it/them away for safe keeping. 

CaringMate

For me, this was not an issue.  When my guy passed away, I removed my wedding band from the left hand and moved it to the right hand.  I did this to honor him and the life we spent together.  I understand what others have said but he will never leave me and removing the ring or not will not change anything.  To me, removal of the ring is a sign to others that I am now "available" and that is not the case and never will be...

Jeff86

And now for something completely different….an alternative view of a wedding band, for those who—sadly—did not have good marriages, from feminist Adrienne Rich:

https://allpoetry.com/Aunt-Jennifer's-Tigers

Joydean

It is each person’s choice to keep wearing or taking it off. No right or wrong answer. As Ed said he never had one and we all know what a great husband he is. A piece of jewelry does not change your heart. 

Toolbelt you mentioned occupational activity, my DH was a welder for many years. He was on one high rise buildings, can’t remember what’s it’s called now, but it got in the leather glove, was burning his finger, motioned the crane operator, crane took him to ground, paramedics were there, had to numb him up to get his glove off, he told them they could cut his finger off but not his ring! They didn’t cut his finger off but he did have 3rd degree burn. Crazy man, he is still wearing that ring! So do I. 

Care4Mom2

My husband and I have been married for almost 35 years. At first, he wore his ring all the time, unless he was golfing (where he lost the original ring). I replaced it, but he eventually stopped wearing it, except when we were going somewhere. I have noticed lately that he where’s it all the time. I wonder what that means regarding Alzheimer’s,,,? He seems insecure at times. So I wonder if that is part of it?

Pathfinder52

I have a beautiful wedding ring which we found (the setting) on our one and only cruise to Alaska in 2014.  He received his Alz diagnosis in 2013 ant that cruise had always been on his bucket list, so I decided we should get it done.

I took that ring off in the spring of 2019 and have only worn it a time or two since.  I realized that every time I wore it, I was reminded that I have no partner anymore, I have a "patient" who requires my care and supervision. I am a spouse but no longer a "wife" -- I am a caregiver who honors the memory of the man I married, but lives with a shadow of that man.

I am much more comfortable without a ring.

David C.

I surely understand your emotional dilemma. We are all sharing similar pains. We deal with this screwed up aberration of our lives ln our own way. Don't be hard on yourself. My Trish, in 7th stage, has been in a nursing home 2 years. No matter what we do, I believe most of will feel some guilt... no matter what. A helpless feeling. Don't think you're alone and don't think of your action with the ring as a betrayal to your wife. God be with you.