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Personality Changes(1)

Nanpr
Nanpr Member Posts: 21
10 Comments Second Anniversary
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How do you deal with the changes in personality? I’m having a difficult time with this. Now that my mom lives with me we haven’t had hallucinations/delusions, but she’s just different. Hard to really express what I mean. I’m currently in treatment for breast cancer and I’m struggling with anxiety and depression. One day she said to me are we going to have a pity party now. She would have never said that to me a few years ago. Also, when talking about my anxiety and depression she said well we can put Humpty Dumpty together again and started to laugh. It is so out of character for her. She always knew what to say in difficult times. I find it makes me more anxious seeing these subtle changes in her personality and wondering what is going to happen next, when I should be concentrating on my own health. The other thing I’ve noticed is that she talks to our cat as if he understands her. I know these seem like petty things, but it’s just the changes make me even more anxious and I wonder what is going to happen next. She’s really mostly in Stage 3 still with a bit of overlap in stage 4 mostly with finances. I worry because I’m already having a difficult time and things are only going to get worse. How do you all cope?

Comments

  • LorieG
    LorieG Member Posts: 1
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    I feel for you. My mom has recently started this phase too and it’s heartbreaking to have lost my friend with whom I could have meaningful conversations with; it’s hard to see her respond flippantly or dismissively to things she would never have before; it’s hard to watch her values drift away and become a shell of the person she used to be. I’m struggling really hard with this as well.
  • Mint
    Mint Member Posts: 2,752
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    There is an article title Personality Change May Be Early Sign of Dementia, published in New York Times July 2016.  If you can access it would probably be a nice read for you..

    Personality change has been huge with my mom and challenging.  Aggressive, loss of social skills, no boundaries

  • May flowers
    May flowers Member Posts: 758
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    Nanpr, I’m sorry for all you are going through healthwise, and like LorieG said, losing the support of someone you could count on. I was not particularly close to my FIL, such as being able to confide in him, but I know he was a rock for my DH and his siblings and he stopped being capable of that a long time ago. 

    Somewhere around the same stage as your mom, he started losing his internal filter, responding inappropriately to situations, such as laughing at situations that should have called for empathy or becoming overly defensive or accusatory, such as blaming others (or the TV or computer) when he would lose things or could no longer understand how to work them. Some dementia sites call it a loss of inhibitions. I know it has been especially hard for my DH to see his quiet, gentle father react in ways that are not appropriate. The roles started reversing and DH had to be the adult in the situation and my FIL the child that had to be redirected. Someone on here talked about it like a long grieving process for the LO, we don’t lose them all at once, but bit by bit and each decline is like a new loss.

    Do you know what kind of dementia your mom has? I think that some types, such as Frontotemporal dementia have more pronounced personality changes

    Is there anyone else you can lean on for support during this difficult time for you? Other family, friends, support group, therapist? Also, I wonder if an adult day care would be appropriate for her at this point, to give you a break to focus on your own needs and healing. My MIL took all of it on herself and it really took a toll on her health, physically and emotionally. Prayers and hugs for you.

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,479
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    Nanpr-

    I found this quick read helpful for managing my expectations around my dad's behavior.

    12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

    In the early stages of dementia, long before my dad was diagnosed, the first changes I noted in him were around his personality not his memory. I first noted the darker version of dad a good 3 years before memory glitches and confusion were obvious to me. He and I didn't enjoy an easy relationship, but in the early stages of dementia he lost his social filter and any shred of empathy he might have once had and soon burned through most of his family and social groups in 3 different states over the years. By the time he was diagnosed well into the middle stages of the disease, I was the only family member who still seeing them as a couple. His brother phoned a few times a year, my niece and aunts saw my mom solo and I refused to subject my DH or son (who is on spectrum) to dad's dementia-fueled insults. 

    My friend's mom also had dementia around the same time my dad did. Her mom became unfiltered as well and very self-focused. She'd previously been the kind of lady who was the unofficial "auntie" helping others but as dementia took hold she too became much less empathetic than she'd been. My friend described this time as "There's a little old lady who lives with me. She seems nice enough, but she's just not my mom". 

    I don't have any wisdom that can help you magically prepare you for the next stages. IMO, each stage of this disease brings unique horrors. I don't necessarily believe that earlier stages are "easier"; a lot depends on the individual PWD and how the disease impacts them as well as the unique strengths and struggles of the caregiver. For me, the stage you are describing was really hard in some respects. Dad was unpleasant, mom refused to take steps towards an evaluation (she was in denial while dad day-traded away $350K as she dithered), neither was considering taking steps towards future care (dad was refusing to do the paperwork that would have protected them in terms of POAs, LTC insurance and Medicaid planning despite the urging of their attorney and CPA. In addition, I'm sure my parents both had a sense he'd had a cognitive shift which impacted their relationship with each other which was sad to watch. In many ways, once dad was more confused, unable to recognize his own deficits (anosognosia) and he became easier to take charge of, many aspects of the situation were so much easier. In many ways, becoming a caregiver is a bit like becoming a parent- you very much learn on the job and grow into the role. And you deal with messes. 

    The cat thing is interesting. My friend's mom used to ascribe motives to her 2 cats "bad behavior" and "discipline" them-- mostly refusing to give them treats or threatening them with no supper or an early bedtime. Over time, they gave her a very wide berth and my friend gave her a Joy For All robotic cat companion which she loved. 

    This might be a situation where you need to focus on your own health and recovery. Could other arrangements be made-- even temporarily to allow you to get well. I feel like this is one of those situations where you just might "not have the spoons for that". And while the cancer and the timing suck, if the woman who raised you were as she was years ago she would insist you put you first.

    HB
  • mommyandme (m&m)
    mommyandme (m&m) Member Posts: 1,468
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    My mother has always been a very giving and compassionate person. She’s still very kind, for the most part, but is also quite narcissistic now.  She seems to only focus on herself.  If someone has a problem, well she has it too.  It’s as if she doesn’t care, yet a I know she does.  It’s so difficult to not take things personally.  My mom is now considered a 7c so I’ve had the time to gain some wisdom about her and how she presents with this dumb disease and grieve the mother I used to have.  I really don’t share much with her, probably a learned behavior since it hurt so much when I tried to share and she wasn’t interested.  She always changes the conversation to herself.  

    My mother also talks to her cats, as if they understands and tells her how much she loves them, never tells me she loves me.  Ive felt it as a passive aggressive move on her part.  She even laughs at me when I tell her I love her.  She also tries to feed her cat with a spoonful of her own food as well as her stuffies she keeps by her side.  And she was convinced I was mistreating the cats, not feeding them, running into them.  So crazy I tell you.  

    I’m so sorry for these trials and sadness.  I wish your mom could be there for you like you need her to be.  I hope your battle with cancer is a swift and victorious one.  Another stupid disease.  If I were you, and maybe you already do, I’d find a therapist to help you sort these things out too, since it’s a challenge to talk to your ma.  Of course there are people here that help tremendously.  

    I’m just really sorry! 

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 2,485
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    My mom has been diagnosed, officially with MCI, but in reality it’s mild dementia.  She has exhibited personality changes.  Mostly extremely increased levels of anxiety and depression. Asking permission to do things that do not need permission( such as going to the store with my step-dad).  Now tattling on my step-dad as though  I was their parent and they are  ‘tweenagers’.  

    My step-dad has not been diagnosed yet but has been exhibiting personality changes for the last few years.  Paranoia, even more lack  of a filter than before.  He’s driven away most of their families, except for me.  I’m only here because someone has to be.  

  • MN Chickadee
    MN Chickadee Member Posts: 888
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    My mother with Alz went through significant personality changes in stage 4 and early stage 5. She said some really hurtful and calloused comments to me when I was just a few weeks post partum. She would make unfiltered and borderline racist comments when we were out and about which was totally unlike her.  Later she would turn on my dad if she didn't like what he was suggesting and would talk about divorcing him and going to live with her brother. This was unthinkable before dementia; they were inseparable, married 40 some years and in love and she never liked her brother. Just weird stuff. I don't know what to say other than try to remember it's the disease talking. Therapy helped me some to cope and deal with the ever present grief. Losing our mothers bit by bit is so cruel and unfair.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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