DH Just Asked Me to Leave

Dio

DH just asked me to leave and don't come back. This is immediately after he proclaimed we need to trust each other, that it's the most important thing.

I know it's not really him talking, but does this mean there's some underlying truth to wanting me to leave?

JoseyWales

Honestly... I don't think there's any underlying truth to what a person with dementia says. 
His brain is slowly dying, and connections just aren't made the same way that they were before.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I'm sorry. This disease is so hard.

ButterflyWings

Hi Dio - no, it doesn't mean anything other than that his disease is progressing and he can't process reality -- nor stop the random things that may bubble up in his declining brain. He said he was homeless and that you were leaving him, right? And that wasn't accurate. He is ill poor thing.

I say this with absolute certainty, because my DH has told me the very same thing. And also sometimes believes I am his son or brother, or even someone of a different race altogether!

There are no underlying sophisticated nuances or hidden agendas. Just the most frustrating, mysterious, impulsive, short-circuiting output from your LO as he changes with no ability to control what is happening to steal his true self away. It is hard for us, who love them, but honestly...he has it worse than we, right? Terrible, terrible anyway you look at it.

I wish you peace, and a measure of relief from the pain. I know how heartbreaking and gut-wrenching it is.  You may want to search the topic on this forum. Many have experienced it and found ways to keep their LO from escalating in these "get out" moments. I'm sorry you both are going through this. It will pass. Promise.

*Here is the link to my 2021 post on the time DH seriously ordered me out. He forgot all about it after a nap. Keep calm, but STAY SAFE. Others have experienced threats, lockouts & more: 

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147557563

Dio

ButterflyWings, thank you for referring me to your post. I share in everyone's pain and anguish.

It's so hard. I'm new to this and so unprepared. This change in DH happened so fast. Within 2 weeks, I've already called 911 3x. I don't know if I have the strength and courage to see us through. I cry almost daily. It's definitely Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and Mr. Hyde comes out more and more often now.

Joydean

Dio I’m so sorry you are going through this. Knowing it is the disease doing this to our love ones doesn’t stop your heart from hurting. Head knowledge is important, we need to know. But honestly I don’t think we can ever prepare our hearts. Stay safe! Prayers for you and your love one.

Ed1937

Dio, I'm sorry it is so hard. But the more you read about the disease, either her or elsewhere, will make it a little easier when new things happen because you will know it's not uncommon. That doesn't mean things won't sting, but you will be more prepared for it.

ButterflyWings

And...you mention this being a sudden change. It is worth checking him for a silent UTI. Their urinary tract infections can go undetected by "normal" signs like discomfort on urination, etc. 

The only sign for us was new, wild behavior that only subsided when we got a urine sample and found he did have a bacterial infection which was treated successfully with a short antibiotic regimen. But until that, he was off the charts Jekyll and Hyde as you say. There are several threads here about UTIs and how to detect and treat them if confirmed. Just search "UTI".

Vitruvius

DW has had bouts of heightened agitation and confusion along with resistance to me. Thorough testing for a UTI was negative. In the end her neurologist suggested these events were caused by "silent seizures". 

I'm not saying that's what your DH was experiencing but I am just noting there are things that go on in a PWD that are not permanent changes but can cause uncharacteristic behaviors. I would absolutely not read any real feelings into any uncharacteristic behaviors. 

Dio

Thanks, everyone! DH got urine tested in the 2nd 911/ER visit. All clear. At first I thought it might've been UTI as well. Now it's back to square 1 to figure out what is going on in his brain.

Today, he pleaded for me not to leave him or divorce him... sigh. We'll see how long before Mr. Hyde shows up.

piozam13

Dio,

I heard you say, - 'it's not really him talking'.  You know it's the disease, yet it still hurts.  I would not delve further.  Sometimes we tend to think too much, analyze too much.  At this stage, he doesn't even think through the repercussions of what he says.  Save yourself some worries and energy.  There are lots more to worry about.  I've been through something similar. 

Lynne D

My HWD demands I leave “his” house at least once per week. I enjoy a little break and he doesn’t remember that he had “thrown me out” when I come back. I kind of got used to it. A signal for some alone time.

Dio

Lynne, thanks...you made me chuckle. I wish I took him up on it to get some respite.

With events that have developed, I figured what might be going on. He's so conflicted in that he knows he needs me to survive, and as such I'm his "lifeline." But he's also petrified that I will actually leave him due to his illness, and as such I'm also being viewed as "the threat" to his lifeline. Lately, I thought it was sundowning, but he's actually guarding the front door to prevent me from leaving. Thrice in 2 weeks he's gotten to such a delirious state that he's been grabbing me to go downstairs then immediately back up, then down, then up, nonstop, like a yo-yo. And when I resisted he grabbed me even harder and bruised me up quite badly. I had to call 911. He did it again 2 nights ago, but this time with the help of meds he calmed down by midnight and I didn't have to call 911. Earlier this morning, it started again but calmed after taking meds.

He constantly asks for guidance, and when I do provide suggestions to shower, eat, go for a walk, or take meds, his immediate response is "no." When there are forms to sign, he won't sign them now...sigh. Giving care to him has become 10x more difficult.

I'm working on getting a POA and have rallied his best friend's help to be present at the time of signing...hope he'll sign it.