Having a hard time finding a Home Healthcare Provider

PinkPeony71

My mom is 77 years old and is currently in the moderate to severe stage of Alzheimer's.  She is living with me and my 2 children ages 17 and 13.  I have been overwhelmed with  receiving information on Home Healthcare providers but the issue I am having is transitioning and introducing them to my mom.   

Right now, my mom can dress herself but forgets basic hygiene.  If I don't grab her clothes and wash them on a nightly basis, she will wear them everyday.  It's sometimes a fight to have her brush teeth and take a shower.  I have to assist her with a shower as she cannot on her own.  She recently clogged the toilet in my apartment and the water ran overnight and caused damage to the tenant who lives below us.  She cannot be left alone, she needs a companion type home healthcare provider who can remind her to brush her teeth help assist with taking a shower, make lunch, take her out for a walk, etc.

As I have mentioned, I have received plenty of information but the real issue is transitioning and introducing them to my mom.  I have had 3 individuals apply for the position, 2 who have worked previously with Alzheimer's and Dementia patients.  During introductions she was very pleasant and friendly but when the day came for them to be onsite, my mom reacted horribly.  Slamming walls, cursing (which is so unlike her) that she wants this person out of the house and that she can take care of herself.  She got so worked up that she physically grabbed and pushed one.  Not surprisingly that service provider did not send any more candidates as they were concerned about my mother and did not want to get her worked up and it will set her back.  Frankly, I don't blame them as I have never seen my mom react in this manner.

I felt that placing her in a memory care facility would be the best option for her but my siblings, who are not involved, disagree.  They do not want her in a facility, but neither want them in her home nor are they helping me find a provider.  I am her sole caregiver and on my own right now as single parent with 2 children and a full time job.  I cannot leave her alone so I cannot sometimes be there for my kids events unless I bring her with which is not ideal.  My kids are starting to resent my mom and it just breaks my heart as they absolutely adored her before she was diagnosed.

I just want to reach out to those who have or experienced the same episodes with their loved ones with introducing a care giver and if they can offer any tips or advice on how they were successfully transition a caregiver with their loved one and how long it took.  If you have any recommendations in the Chicago Area, I am all ears.

Thank you.

Quilting brings calm

Unless you need your siblings help or permission ( money or POA), go around them.  Tell them that either she moves in with them or she goes to memory care.  Finding and  keeping home  caregivers  is a frequent issue mentioned on these forums.  During the short time we tried to use them, my mom also refused them and we couldn’t get the agency to send anyone.  It’s one of the reasons my parents are now in assisted living.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Do you have power of attorney for your mom? If so, what your siblings say doesn't matter, it's your decision. If not, getting it should be your first order of business. You may need an elder law attorney to consult (look at nelf.org).

PinkPeony71

Thank you for your response.  I have informed both my siblings if they don't want mom in assisted living who will take her with absolutely no response.  Because I agreed to live with her, this is now my issue.  I still would like to have her live with me, but I not equipped to handle this.  I will need to work around them as they are now just ghosting me.

PinkPeony71

Unfortunately my older sibling and I are her power of attorney. I may need to consult an attorney to find out what recourse I have.

Nerdyblond

Hi PinkPeony,

I would definitely talk to a lawyer. If your sibling is not willing to work with you then there is no reason for her to be a POA. I would also bring as much proof as you can that you have been ghosted by the other two and proof that they are not looking out for the well being of your mom. Get yourself legally down as sole POA and get her into a home. There is no way you can do all that and mentally survive without any sort of help. Literally, fuggetuhboutem!!!

We had to ghost my oldest sister because we stepped in and she was verbally abusive to us after that (She is truly a b****, I apologize if that offends anyone but it is true).

 When she found out I got my mom and I vaccinated against COVID she blew up!! Called my mom a traitor and a backstabber, called my POA sister the devil... She will not enter mom's house because it is filled with COVID because we got vaxxed and she will catch COVID if she dares to come in. She WILL NOT be around mom because mom will die because of getting a COVID shot in a week, and she did not want to watch that. (That was 8 months ago...we're still alive...heh heh...showed her!) I have 6 siblings and my POA sibling is the only one helping...from Washington, mind you. 

My point is neither of your sisters are being realistic and being very inconsiderate of you. So do what you need to do. It might help to get an advocate to talk to them. But MAKE SURE you have paper proof of your mom's condition, proof that you are the only caregiver and proof that she needs more care than you can provide.

Nerdyblond

Hi again.

I apologize, we had such a hard time with my oldest sister...she really kicked in my PTSD. I really would hate for you to have any battles with your siblings when y'all should be coming together. But if they are not going to be realistic and not help you with anything then you need to take the necessary steps. Trust me, I am not juggling as much as you and I cannot handle this.

PinkPeony71

Thank you so much for your insight Nerdyblond.   Finally, someone who understands.  I am literally at my wits end taking care of my mother. She is now losing control of her bladder and I am cleaning urine and excrement on a daily basis.  She overflowed a toilet last weekend and it caused damage in my apartment and even more to the apartment below.  She will not shower and has a tantrum when I tell her to take one.  When I finally coax her to take one, I need to help bath her as she doesn't know how to wash her hair and body anymore.  I reached out to my 2 brothers last week and informed them of her decline and said that she needs to be put in a facility and if I don't hear from them I will begin the process.  Younger brother still doesn't want her in a facility, wants to get her an apartment and hire someone to watch her.  Nevermind that I tried 3 and failed.  My older brother responded that he has been looking at facilities and had a referral from his brother in law as his mom is in this particular facility.  Finally, I thought, he talked to his brother in law and his brother in law knocked some sense into him. We met there and talked to the administrator for almost 3 hours.  They are more concerned about cost than care.  They have kids to put into college and the money she has will last for maybe 5 years and then we will all need to pitch in.  They did however agree to place her in this facility until the so called apartment is arranged.  I reached out to them yesterday about placing my mom there after her birthday as I did not want to send her before. My younger brother responded that he is trying to understand why now we need to put mom in a facility when we will have her apartment ready by August.  He stated instead of wasting time and money on a facility how about finding her home care via Medicare and other routes?  He suggested finding help from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. M-F and everyone can pitch in here and there.  I literally exploded.  And my jagoff, yes jagoff older brother denies that we agreed placing her in a facility.  This so called apartment will not be ready by August and all of us pitching in?  They don't pitch in now.  So I am going to drive 45 minutes to sleep over with my mom while my kids are alone at home?  Once my mom passes, my tie to them is over.  I am going to find out my rights as just leaving her with me is not an option and I absolutely don't trust them.  After sending my responses on why she needs to be in a facility my older brother writes, "Im not ur kids or ex or whoever you are with or mom .  Stop sending me ur bullsh--. How were you going to tell mom you were sending her to a home"   I am literally going to lose my mind.  I will your advice and talk to attorney to become her sole POA.    Sorry so long but I am so angry.

jfkoc

My husband would have never agreed to any kind of help for his sake. He did agree whole heartedly to hireding someone who needed a part time job.

jewelandthegang

i feel for you .. i know exactly what you are going thru ..

my boyfriend and i moved in with his parents 2 years ago (my bf owns the house - his parents have life use)  Sadly his dad passed last year so it is just his 89 year old mom who has dementia (late stage) ... his 3 sisters promised they would help us with day-to-day stuff ... so far the one sister who lives 15 minutes away gets her for 5-6 hours a week (as long as sister has no other plans) .. the sister who lives an hour away calls every day and visits maybe 3 hours a month .. the sister who lives cross country visits once or twice a year ....

"mom" has just rapidly gone downhill ... to where she needs 24/7 awake care. she has incontinence issues and insists on using paper towels inside her depends (and doesn't change the depends as often as she should) ... we have had to put cameras all over outside in case she "gets out"and wanders .... we have had to bypass our gasline with a second shut-off valve so she stops turning on the stove burners and leaving them .....

the sisters will not help out with her care or cleaning the house/property .. laundry .. meals ... and yet they refuse to get outside help (or to pay me for not being able to work outside the home) .. The sisters refuse to even consider moving her to a facility because they promised "mom" they would never do that ..nor will they consider her moving in with them ...

we are just at our wits end and just do not know where to turn

i am just to point where i feel like i am a prisoner here .. i can't leave the house (if i do she has to come with) .. i love her but am beginning to resent her

Rascalin78

I share either/or POA with my brother but he has been quick to say that he doesn't have time and would have carted our Mother off to a care facility way before I ever would. He also told me this well in advance of my intervening in the care of our Mother so I knew beforehand.

I'm sorry but I shoot straight and like it that way in return ... You are being way to nice with your family. They are getting their cake and eat it too. If you haven't really let them have it one time yet ... give them a good one, one that they haven't seen out of you before and lay the law down on how it's going to be and don't back off for they might know that you will ... just grab another gear and give it to them again ... You sound like you're ready to me anyway and you'll be glad that you did.

I would unload first to see if it helps and if not then an elder care attorney may be needed ... but know that your solution with them could get expensive if challenged and why spend the money if you don't need to for it could be used in better places like care.

If you can get them to back off and go with your decisions then you are ahead ... but that's just my .02 cents.

Rescue mom

Does your family know that Medicare provides NO financial help to pay for  “custodial care”— basics of supervision, toilet help, bathing, feeding, etc.,what some might describe as babysitting for an adult.

If family doesn’t help, in my view they have lost any say-so. That’s short and to the point. You are doing all the work. They don’t get to push things off on you. What’s really unfortunate is the shared POA. And yes, you need to see an attorney ASAP about that. 

You (your mom) are likely to need Medicaid for financial help with long-term care. Some here have gotten on Medicaid on their own, but help from an attorney who specializes in Medicaid (that’s really important) can make the process much smoother and easier.

Finding and keeping in-home caregivers is extremely difficult now unless you pay super-high rates. Finding help for someone who’s physically aggressive is virtually impossible. There are meds that can help with that aggression, but need a doctors Rx—maybe a psychiatrist Rx, and may need a long wait.

PinkPeony71

I have been trying to set up a call with a Senior Health Insurance Program advisor to find out with what Medicare covers and have not been successful.  My brothers have no idea what sundowning is let alone what Medicare does and does not cover.  Is there anywhere I can find that information online?

PinkPeony71

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I totally can relate.  I am tired of the "we will all help" and "just call if you need anything".  They don't mean it. 

I am starting to resent my mom too.  I, just like you, cannot go anywhere, unless I bring her with me.  I know it's the disease and not her.  But even hired caregivers get a break and vacation.  We unfortunately do not.

PinkPeony71

Thank you for the welcome and referral.  I will check the website and work on getting help asap.

PinkPeony71

I'm glad that worked for you.  I tried by telling my mom I am hiring a housekeeper to help me out at home with the last applicant.  She was not having any of it.