Struggling with patience

KathyF1

Most days I do pretty well with being patient with my DH even though he follows me everywhere and asks me questions all day. But if I have a lot on my plate I tend to fail miserably in the patience department. We are putting our farm on the market. Planning on moving near my sister and mom and getting a smaller farm. My DH is so hard to manage, he does absolutely nothing to help and if he tries to help it’s a disaster. I know it’s the disease but I still lose my cool with him. And then I feel guilty. Yesterday we had a showing. He keeps walking in with his muddy boots, rearranging things if I turned my back, all under the pressure of “be ready by 1pm”. No one was here to help. Again, I know it’s the disease, but how do you stay patient all the time? For me it doesn’t seem humanly possible. I’m praying for a quick sale, if I have to manage him and also have the place perfect for showings I’ll go nuts! And honestly it’s other situations too. If I don’t get enough sleep and don’t feel good I snap at him when he won’t give me space. I just dream of having some time to myself. I’m hoping when we move (if I survive it!) that I’ll be a better wife.

ARgirl

KathyF1

I don't think any of us as caregivers are patient all the time.  It is just overwhelming to have to handle everything with no input from my best friend, my husband.  I am right with you on my DH not being able to help, but then he gets angry if I don't allow him to help, but then as you mentioned, it is a disaster when he tries. This disease is just wicked, but my DH will tell you there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely no insight anymore, he is just not there anymore, so you feel absolutely alone while looking at, and loving a living being. My DH goes most everywhere with me, including a barn...and follows me around like a child. Cannot follow any directions, and has no insight into safety. So we are working triple time to protect them! Every minute of every day.

Gosh, I am not sure how to balance promoting his emotional wellbeing, and not losing it myself! We all snap, we all are impatient, we all have our breaking points...and for me fatigue plays a huge part in my patience depth. We ALL have failed in this department.  I put a move to a more manageable home on hold, as it was just too much to handle at this time.  

So please, don't beat yourself up. We are good spouses doing the best we can with an awful situation. We are all there coping with the same issues. We are always available to listen and understand. I hope your move goes smoothly and quickly. It will be so much easier with some help.  

KathyF1

Thank you ARGirl, I’ve wondered how I “compare” with others in my shoes. Yes it’s so hard not being able to even talk to your husband about what YOU are going through- because just like your husband, mine does not have any idea that he has Alzheimer’s. And so I suppose they also don’t know they drive us crazy at times. One thing I feel sure of, the horses and dogs are therapy for both of us. I love the farm lifestyle and so does he. So- it’s necessary to find another farm, but being near family will be huge in relieving stress.

Ernie123

Kathy: I doubt there is a caregiver anywhere who has not lost patience  and then feels guilty. You are human and can only manage so much. My DW has been in a MC facility for two and a half years and I still  remember the frustration and stress of 24/7 care, especially the last few months before her placement. Eventually we reached a point where I simply could not care for her due to her becoming delusional and paranoid. Sometimes she would not recognize me and become violent trying to force me from the house.

I would suggest you have a long term plan in place in case you too reach a point when, despite your best intentions and effort, you are unable to provide care due to the overwhelming demands and stress that can occur. My DW is now in a wonderful facility with PSWS who are angels. There is no tension and frustration involved in their providing care. I am not happy living alone and miss the companionship of our marriage relationship terribly. But we are both better off than we were in those final months before she was placed. I suggest you get some help in your home so you can have some respite time. And accept that in the long term as the disease progresses you may not be able to provide the care needed. Have a care plan in place before a crisis occurs.

M1

Kathy, hard as it is, you are so wise to be making the move. I could never convince my partner to downsize, and now she's 5 weeks in memory care and I am drowning in deferred maintenance on 150 acres.  Good luck.

Joydean

Kathy, just know you are not alone and as others have said, we ALL lose patience at some point. We had a storm with 65 mile wind last night. I found the thing from the chimney laying in yard and a lot of bricks. I called the roofer to come look at it. He said he couldn’t get here until around 8 pm. I told DH. Over and over. I know he doesn’t understand. At 7 DH said he was going to bed. Great! He asked me if I was going to bed, by then I had had it and told him I have responsibility still to take care of. No problem, he was going to bed! Everyday it’s something that has to be taken care of. We only have 2 acres to care for. I don’t know how you and others like M1 care for so much and love one. 

Best of luck to you and your DH! 

Midwest Gal

Kathy

I could have written your post.  I feel so guilty as my DH is overly nice to me with sappy compliments every 5 minutes.  He follows me around constantly.  Taking a hot soaking bath used to be my escape in the evenings but now he will often camp outside the door. He used to be a real MacGyver type, built our home with is own hands, never hired a carpenter, plumber, or electrician in our 30 years together.  Now he can't turn on the TV, answer the phone or make toast but he is constantly offering his help.  I spent 40 years working with our state's most complex individuals with mental issues so I know how I should respond, but this is sure different on a 24/7 basis.  We also operate a farm.  I have kept it going by doing things way out of my comfort level but the hard work is nothing compared to this constant need for my attention.  I'm condition to use activities as teaching moments but this condition does not allow for learning new tasks... you just try to hang on.   It just drains me at times and I'm sure that I get pretty darn irritable. He tells me that he misses me at times when I have been here the whole time.  However, all said, I feel even worse when I hear most everyone else tells stories of aggression and abuse towards them.  I have no idea how you all do it.

Marie58

Kathy, downsizing early is such a good idea. It was hard, but that is what we/I did early on. I get it...I made all the decisions and did all the work, just as you are doing. But it'll be worth it once it's done. 

I'm usually a pretty patient person, but 24/7 caregiving with little to no help on top of doing everything else, often while sleep deprived, gets to us all. DH is now in MC, but when he was home, every morning my prayers were for strength and patience. Blessings to you and DH.

Crkddy

Ditto.  My DW was always the patient one, and me famously not.  I have learned over the last four years that losing my cool only makes things worse.  I still blow up from time-to-time, but not as often.  Now others comment on how patient I am (if they only knew.)

KathyF1

Thanks to all for your replies. It helps to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I look forward to being around family when we move, just having a break now and then would be a huge help.