Finally Transitioning into MC Need Advice

amagdaleno

Hello, I just wanted to say this website has been invaluable to see other peoples stories. Caregiving can feel extremely isolating at times. 

My wife and I are finally moving forward with placing my Mother in law in a memory care facility. We have both been caretakers for her since 2015 when she was diagnosed but showed symptoms earlier, We are both 31 now. My wife is also 3 months pregnant with our first child. My MIL is 80 and adopted my wife hence the big age gap. She's been in the middle stages for a few years now but finally has started to show some more advanced stage symptoms. We have tried in home care while we were working and she did not respond well to any of the caregivers that came. We then tried a day program that was entirely in Russian (her native tongue). The first day went fine and the second time she went she was wandering out of the building. They told us they did not have the resources to care for someone that advanced. Originally we planned on having her in a somewhat in between of MC and AL program that a facility near us offers. Unfortunately we are pretty sure she may just need full MC at this point. They are sending someone to do a evaluation tomorrow and we will know what level of care they would advise. The feelings of guilt are continuing to creep back but my wife and I need to focus on ourselves and our future child now. We have had no real support the entire time as she is divorced and her entire family lives else where. We want to make the transition and smooth as possible and I know people who had their own experiences with it may be best at understanding. If anyone has any advice on making the transition. My MIL is very stubborn obviously and still doesn't believe she has any problems at all so I know we will get a lot of pushback from her. 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! 

SusanB-dil

Hi amagdaleno - welcome to 'here'... 

We have not place MIL as yet, so not first-hand experience. However, it does sound like you do not need to feel guilty.  There just comes a point where you just cannot continue the 24/7 situation.  And with a child on the way, you will have enough to manage.  You and your wife have done well caring for her.  She is blessed to have you.  As I've seen other posts, once you do place her, you can again lovingly watch over things, but also be back to being loving family instead of stressed caregivers.

It also seems she has anosognosia.  This is not 'denial' that she has any problems, but total unawareness that there is any problem at all. Do not try to reason with her about it.

And at 31 and a child on the way - "Congratulations!!" -  you will need to be living your own life with your new family dynamic. 

MN Chickadee

Hi Amagdaleno,  It can be a scary step to take but it does get better with time. It sounds like the right decision for your family. Hopefully your wife and her mother had a good relationship before dementia so she can be sure that in her right mind mom would have wanted whatever was best for her daughter  especially as she starts a family. If she is getting in the later stages then she will have some really challenging symptoms soon that would be nearly impossible with a newborn baby. Incontinence, not sleeping at night, needing 24/7 supervision to be safe. You will have enough of that with just the baby. So I am glad you have found a facility you like and have started this process. It won't be without challenges. The adjustment can take time. My mother took a couple months to settle in at her facility. I too had babies at home and it was a very dark period in my life watching this transition and it may be really hard on your wife, especially with all the feelings and hormones associated with pregnancy. Likely a good dose of grief as well, not being able to share this special time with her mother but instead feeling like she is torturing her. Try to take it one day at a time. Safe and cared for is the goal, happiness may come later. For some it never comes no matter where they are. There is so much lost to dementia. After a couple horrendous months my mother settled in and came to love her new home. She thrived on the structure and routine, tne medical oversight by nursing was far more than we ever would have been able to offer at home. In hindsight it was the best thing we could have done for her, we had been barely hanging on having her at home. She had 3 really good years in MC. So try to remember the long range goal as you travel these next few months: having mom well cared for and being able to give your new child the parents and attention they deserve.

Your MIL probably has anosognosia. It is different from denial and comes with cognitive disabilities. The dementia causes the brain to become too compromised to recognized its own condition. When this sets in we usually have to use therapeutic fibs to get things done, whether it's getting them to change clothes, go to the doctor, or move to MC. We often present the move to MC as temporary. Some rehab for that bad knee, doctor ordered it for you to get stronger, maybe you and your wife are traveling and she can stay at this senior hotel, maybe there is a problem at the house you are working on so she needs to stay here a few days. This gives you a response each time she asks to go home. Soon, maybe next week etc. Usually telling the truth that it is forever is pointless. Hurts them in the moment and then they don't remember anyway. Is there anything in particular about the move you are looking for advice on? The fact that you are expecting pushback is good so you can ready yourself and come up with strategies.