Could use your help/support, MC visit today

M1

All thoughts/good vibes and prayers accepted.  First visit in three weeks this afternoon.  I'm frankly very apprehensive.  Trying to keep a positive frame of mind so I don't blow it.  I'll insist on a public venue.   I'm not even sure what to talk about, because I can't talk about the farm.  If I leave now can stop and get a treat of some sort, though that feels less important.  She'll have been there 5 weeks tomorrow.

Home around seven, so I'll post later.  Hope I'm not coming home in shreds.

ImMaggieMae

M1, I hope your visit is a calm one. If you’re prone to nervousness, maybe a drink or anti-anxiety med if you have any? This disease is so unpredictable. It might go so much better than you expect. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I am praying for you. 

LadyTexan

I am sending prayers and positive vibes for you and your partner. I am sorry this disease is so hard on all of us and our loved ones.

God bless you friend.

Twin Mom

Sending all the best wishes I have.  This is just SO hard and I'm sorry.

Joydean

Sending prayers, positive thoughts, and best wishes for a pleasant visit. Your heart and love will be shining in your eyes and hope she will see it!

Joe C.

Prayers & positive energy coming your way. I hope the visit goes well.

ButterflyWings

Thinking of you. Wishing you well!

Buggsroo

Good luck M1, you got this. Hoping your visit goes really well.

Beachfan

M1, 

Hoping and praying that your visit goes well.  Whether the visit goes well or not, there is one consolation to consider.  At least she still knows you.  You have been incredibly patient so far and have done all the right things.  Stay strong, this will get better.  

M1

Well I wish I had good news to report, but I do not.

She was clearly happy to see me, lasted about 30 seconds while we hugged.  We sat outside--public area, but there was no one else out there.  Almost immediately, it turned to "
don't leave me, why did you leave me, you have to help me get out of here, why won't you do anything, I feel like you don't care."  I tried distracting, changing the subject, finding other things to talk about-none of it worked.  She got more and more agitated.  After 30 minutes I left.  She was in tears and I wasn't far behind.

I'm clearly just too much of a trigger.  

Quilting brings calm

M1  - I’m so sorry.   There is just nothing we can do to make them understand because we can’t have a logical conversation.

Joydean

M1, I am so very sorry! We were all hoping for, well you know. But you did get to see her and she did hug you! That’s the positive I would hold onto. Prayers for you and her!

jmlarue

This is so very heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry.

Pat6177

M1, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your pain, I’m sorry for her pain.

ButterflyWings

(((M1))) - This is so heartbreakingly hard. I'm sorry for both of you that this is how it is right now. We must have enough misery and tears on these boards to last a lifetime. I hope something will shift soon, to make it easier for you all to visit without this experience. I can imagine how hard the drive home must have been. We are pulling for you and your dear partner.

Jeff86

How very heart-breaking for you, M1.  I am so sorry that your partner is not as yet adjusting to her new environment, and that your visits reinforce that.   

Hoping for you that time proves to be your friend and that the near future is better than the present.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I am so sorry, I am praying for the best for you both.

M1

You know, I'm so at a loss of how to handle this.  I had little concept when we hospitalized her that it would all lead to such complete isolation for both of us.  Her behavior is contributing, for sure--but it's not something she can control.  

This MC facility seems to do a good job with the basics, but I'm underwhelmed at family communication.  I basically don't hear from them unless a bill is due or I initiate contact.  Surely there are other families in this situation, where they can't visit for a variety of reasons?  Anyone else have experience with ways of family communication or updates that I might could suggest to this facility?  I don't know, such as photos, videos, a weekly email, anything?  I could see where sending photos might get to be a privacy issue for other residents, but I fear what could happen here.  I am not sure how to be her advocate and make sure everything is okay when I can't physically be there without upsetting her.  And there are very few others who can, either.  Slippery slope.  Horrible.  I feel like I'll only get to be with her when she's much worse (not knowing me at all) or dying.

DrinaJGB

This is a heartbreaking scenario.

  You have been hurled into a surreal world in which you are forced to cope and try to make the best of an excrutiating situation. You feel as though you are walking around in some sort of fog and no matter where you turn all you find is obscurity.

 I am so sorry. I wish you all the strength you can possibly muster to get through your difficult day. And at the end of that day I wish you the ability to somehow find some peace with the knowledge that you did the very best you could do in an impossible set of circumstances.

You literally seem to be carrying a 2 ton catastrophe on a 60 pound chain.

Quilting brings calm

Ask them if they have or will create a private  Facebook group, where you have to be one of their  residents’  family contacts  to join.  Where they can post pictures, describe the activities, etc.  My parents’ AL has an open Facebook page where they do this.  Sometimes daily, other times only weekly  or biweekly.   An MC might prefer a private one just for the resident’s privacy,

Ed1937

M1, I'm so sorry this has been so unbelievably hard. I'm lost for words.

White Crane

M1, I am so sorry.  You have been in my prayers and I was hoping things would go well for your visit.  Sending love and hugs.

Brenda

jmlarue

Would it be possible for you to install a small wireless video camera (like an Amazon Blink or Google Nest Cam) in her room so that you could drop in unnoticed at any time to see how she is behaving and how others are behaving with her in her private space? Granted, it would only provide a limited glimpse of her daily routine and how she is responding to staff, but it's more than you have now. It might give you a better idea about whether she is actually adapting to her new environment - or not. These cameras are also capable of two-way audio should you ever find a need to talk to her (like a phone call only you can initiate). I think a lot of these cameras have the ability to record so you're not limited to watching over her in real time, too. Just a thought...

M1

Jm I've thought about that but I don't think she'd leave it be.  She's unplugged the lamps, taken the pictures off the walls--the only thing she left plugged in was her television.  Everything is still packed up and stacked by the doors, ready to leave at the drop of the hat.  She dismantled everything the day she got there and won't let anyone rearrange/unpack it.

June45

M1, I can't imagine the anguish you are feeling from this whole situation. My heart goes out to you.

Pam BH

M1, I'm so very sorry.  I was hoping for a different outcome also. You're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and I wish we could all gather around you for a group hug. You're being thought of with great admiration for your strength.

Jo C.

Dear M1; there are not words sufficient; I can only say how very sorry I am.   So wish there were a way to make this different and so hope you will be able to find ways to connect to things or people to help yourself as you move through this worst of times to the other side.

J.

aod326

M1, this is heart-breaking to read. Fortunately I was only a trigger for 3 or 4 weeks, but then Covid hit, so I didn't see DH for a whole other reason. (Well, I had a daily window visit with him, but I'm not sure he knew I was there.)

I expect you may have thought of this, but just incase: what helped me was I befriended the receptionists. It happened organically because I was calling every day to say I was at the window. Then I'd chat with them, ask them how he was doing. At Christmas I baked like a crazy woman and took loads in for everyone. I still called the nurses, especially about his sleep patterns, but I found the receptionists had more time. They knew about his behaviors (and everyone else's I imagine) and it really helped me to feel connected to DH.

At the first MC he was at, albeit it didn't work out for him, one of the assistants sent a photo to my phone every day. Honestly I wasn't a fan of that because I didn't like seeing him with a stain on his shirt, or looking bewildered.

You're in a horrible position. It doesn't help much at all, I know, but please remember you took this step for her welfare.

ImMaggieMae

M1, I’m so sorry. She certainly is determined to get out of there. It’s too bad about her unplugging everything or jmlarue’s suggestion might have been something that would have worked a little at a time. I don’t know what you can do now other than give it more time. Could it be the facility that she doesn’t like? Are there any alternatives? I feel so bad for you.

Stuck in the middle

I'm sorry, M1.  

I can see her point of view.  I would want to go home if I were in her shoes.  At the same time, you had no choice.  You did what was best for her and for you.  This is just bad, any way you look at it.  I hope it gets better before too much longer.