why are some days so much harder than others

LadyTexan

My DH passed on 4/5/2022. I am not doing great, but I am usually not doing horrible. I've been trying some self care activities like aromatherapy, exercise, drinking plenty of water and I even treated myself to a massage on Tuesday.

Today, I am a mess. I feel as lost today as I did the day my DH died. Its not a significant date for me, my late husband or us as a couple. I have a lump in my throat and am on the verge of tears. I have body aches and I cannot think straight.

I saw my doctor Friday of last week regarding my scattered thinking. The doc says its part of the grieving process. He explained my mind is trying to process too many thoughts at the same time....or something like that.

My question is, why are some days, so much more difficult than others? 

ladyzetta

((((Dear Lady T)))))))

Like your Dr. said your mind is trying to process many things. Probably on your real bad days it's trying to process more than it can. On those days just sit down have a cup of tea and hold your little dog. Use aromatherapy light a few candles and do nothing but listen to some music and relax. 

Maybe today something entered your mind for a few seconds and triggered the stress. 

My DH passed away 4 years ago he lived the last 2 years of his life in a MC facility. After he passed away things would enter my mind.

 I always drove and he was always the back set driver. I remember how I used to raise my voice when I told him to shut up, I was doing the driving. After he passed there was so many times when I was driving, I could hear him. There were also times I could smell him in the house. It took me about a year for all this to fade away.

But to this day I still try to be real quite when I have to get up during the night, so I don't wake him up. You will adjust and it will all go away, the thoughts will still be there, for me they have become happy thoughts. 

I hope you're feeling better now. Hugs Zetta 

Love&Light

They just are. Grief is such a deeply personal journey I'm finding. There are some common threads like you mentioned, the forgetfulness, spontaneous deep sadness. But no magic formula that lets you know where you are in the process and how much longer you're going to feel this wretched.

I'm trying to accept what comes and lean into it, as hard as that is sometimes.

It sounds like you're being really kind to yourself with self care and love. I'm hoping the very best for you Lady T.

aod326

It's a very strange and difficult time. Something I tried from Day 1 (and mostly succeeded at) is to just feel whatever I feel, without judgement. In the same way that we all go through periods of trying to figure out what will come next with the dementia progression, how long does the PWD have before the next stage, etc., there's no rhyme or reason.

You are extremely new in the Stage 8 club, and, even though everyone grieves differently, it's only to be expected that your mind and heart are all over the place. A year and a few weeks on, I have many days when I can be lighthearted and enjoy my friends, and my work, then sometimes I'm knocked sideways by absolutely nothing. This Tuesday I woke up and thought "nope, not happening today, need to stay in bed", and I did.

For me, other than the anniversary of his death, when I felt unbearably raw, the "special" days have been no worse than non-special ones. Fact is, I miss him like crazy every single day. 

I hope this doesn't sound like I don't fully appreciate the enormity of what you're going through, but let yourself go with the flow. Days that you feel super-sad and teary, cry as much as you want to, wherever you want to; days you feel happy and joyful at the other aspects of life, smile and let yourself feel that too. And never underestimate the value of a few deep cleansing breaths!

Big hug.

abc123

Hello Lady Texan, I was thinking of you and Jesse yesterday. I wish I had an answer to your question. I hope today is a better day for you. I well remember being blindsided by grief when my husband died. It could and would come out of no where. It would paralyze me at times. The times when I woke up that way, I did not hesitate to stay in bed. I wouldn’t answer the phone or the door on those days. But it also could and would happen while I was visiting with friends or having lunch at a restaurant. I would excuse myself and go home. In the beginning I felt as if John was at home and he needed me. For me, that was one of the most difficult feelings to deal with. You will find your way in your own time. Please continue to take good care of yourself.

tcrosse

My DW passed on 02/15/2022 so I'm new at this widower stuff. My grief counselor came up with what I thought was an excellent idea/ Each week I should sit down and write my DW a letter. This is a variation of keeping a journal, but keeps a focus on the Dear Departed. Well, it works for me, but there's a DW-shaped hole in my heart which will never go away.

TessC

I'm very sorry for your loss, Lady Texan. Hugs to you! It is very hard and I lost mother, someone we know will pass before her children, so I can't imagine your grief, but there usually comes a time when a person's grief is lighten when it is shred with someone who understands, listens, and cares. So please come here often and share your feelings with us. Can't say I'll be much help, but others have gone through your kind of loss. But I will say I'll listen and I'll care.  Be gentle with yourself and keep giving yourself treats like massages. Take good care.

SQBEAR50

I so understand that some days are harder than others. My uncle passed away last November and I'm still struggling. Words, sounds, smells, pictures on my phone that I forgot I had all remind me of my uncle.

Many times I can be doing something and next thing I know I'm crying. I've learned many years ago to not stuff my feelings down. After so much therapy I now allow my feelings to come out. 

There is no time frame for grieving. Allow yourself to grieve as long as your need to. As my hubby says to me "you got this"

Nicole 

sirbbrown

Dear LadyT

Thank you for your post and I am sorry to hear of the loss of your DH.  This is my first post here, I'm new to the group having just lost my father on July 4th.  I came here looking for I'm not sure what because in general I feel like I am a fish flopping around in this grief.  What I found was your post and I needed to hear that I am not alone in feeling scatterbrained almost ALL the time.  Love and Light touched on the forgetfulness and the "spontaneous deep sadness" that I find catches me completely off guard.

I have absolutely no advice to give but I wanted to share that your post and the others here brought me some small peace in the validation that maybe I am not losing my mind!  I have no idea why some days are harder than others ... sometimes I wonder if it's the amount and quality of sleep I have gotten the night before, but I slept great last night and today I am a teary mess.  I suppose it is just the complexity of grief and I am trying my best to just accept that where I am in this moment is where I am and it's ok.

abc123

Dear Lady, How are you? How is Hap? I find myself missing you and hoping that you are doing as well as possible at this time. Please check in when possible.

Sending you love & peace.