How much control?

Bob in LW

My SO has severe short term memory loss but is quite functional in other ways.  She relies on me to remember things which she doesn't. However, I find that it is difficult to find a balance of how much control I assert in her life.  If I do too much, she feels that I am treating her as if she is a child, but if I don't do enough, she has problems because of things that she can't remember.

We had scheduled an appointment to have her hearing aids checked, and when the day arrived, she asked me to cancel it, which I did.  Later, when the subject came up, she didn't remember asking me to cancel, and said that I should have insisted on going anyway, because I know how her memory is.

We are winding up a two-week trip, and I let her do her own packing.  That was a mistake, because she does not what remember what she brought, if she brought it, or where it is.  We are going on another trip next month and I will do her packing, with her selecting the items she wants to bring.  She might resent me for taking so much control at first but will be grateful when I can tell her what she brought and where it is located.

Stuck in the middle

I have the same problem.  DW needs help, but is not helpless.  My solution is to do things together, as in "Let's take our meds" and "Can I help put away the clean clothing?"  If we were traveling, I would suggest we pack together, much as you are doing.  It works (keeps the peace and gets things done) most of the time.

Battlebuddy

  Unfortunately BOB that is the way of it. You have to take more and more control of things just to keep them safe and have tasks completed. 

   The packing is a good example of that. You have found out that you have to at least supervise or intervene in some way. I learned that the hard way when I realized my DH had packed no under wear and one shoe on our trip. I would let him pack from then on but the night before the trip I would take the bag and repack it while he slept.I also would just take a few changes of clothes for him in my bag so as not to disturb him and his bag. 

  It’s a tricky one specially in the beginning stages. My husband asked me to order for him in restaurants because it was just too confusing to him, but to the waiter , and others I looked like some controlling woman. I often would say to him “ I think you said you wanted the chicken? “ and he would say yes- instead of “ he will have the chicken- “ there by giving him back the control of what he ordered.  Sometimes he would say “ no I want the burger” and I’d say ok ( to respect his independence ) and when the food came he would ask” where’s the chicken?” Lol it’s a crazy road we walk. 

  It’s trial and error but I sounds like you are doing a good job figuring it out.  

Dio

We walk a tightrope. My DH is in the semi-lucid state where he knows he needs my help but resents it at the same time. Relying on me equates to losing his independence. Not being able to drive means losing his independence. He will say to me, "I know what you're trying to do to me." I'd ask what is it that I'm trying to do. He'd reply, "You're doing all this to make me feel helpless." Then he'll say, "I need you to survive. Please don't leave me."

toolbeltexpert

My dw seems OK to most. Yesterday I took her to a sit down restaurant that we don't frequent often. The menu became clearly too much to decide, so I made a suggestion which I got as well. Now it was obvious they were understaffed, we waited 5 minutes to be seated and it was clearly not busy, so after I ordered, she said let's leave I am not gonna wait, I explained we had already ordered. She clearly didn't remember that. I am learning to set things up so our routine goes well. Call it control, I call it caring. I try to add a little humor here and there. In the morning, I often toast Bagels. The everything kind. They have with Puppy seeds on a beagle I'll say. Like others there are times when she gets aggravated of my care. I just say I am sorry.