the transition

Deanna_M

My mother is in the process of dying right now. She had been declining pretty steadily over the past several months, and has been non-verbal and needing to be fed for several weeks now.

On Thursday evening, she was hospitalized due to an extremely bloated stomach and high blood pressure. Turns out she was septic and has an obstructed bowel. Following her wishes, we declined treatment and are pursuing comfort care.

My mom is a tough lady! She is still with us, surprising the hospital doctors who said her infection was strong enough to kill a Clydesdale horse!

She is resting comfortably and I am by her side until she passes. I am okay. This has been such a long road and I have been profoundly grieving for so many months leading up to this acute illness.

I know I am a quiet lurker in this support group, but I am so grateful for each and every one of you. As caregivers of loved ones with Alz/dementia, we have a dreadful common experience that pulls us together. I thank each and every one of you for sharing your wisdom, your trials and questions, and your kindness.

More soon.

M1

Sending you all support at the end of the journey.  Glad you are there with her.  You are providing safe passage, one of my favorite sayings (not original to me) and the hardest, most loving thing we are asked to do in this world.

MN Chickadee

Thinking of you Deanna. I just went through similar with my mother a few months ago. Watching her slowly go was so hard but I wouldn't have it any other way. When she was barely there hanging on it was agony for me but then she finally went and it was a relief and also so difficult to accept. It still is. We think we have grieved so much during the Alz journey but there is still plenty left when they die. Your mom is lucky to have you there giving her a comfortable send off.

ButterflyWings

(((Deanna))) - sending you loads of virtual hugs, positive energy during this time of transition, and prayers for peace now and later, to you both. You are such a blessing to your mother - this is one of the most selfless and important gifts you can give someone. We are thinking of you...

abc123

Dear Deana, you are both in my prayers.

mommyandme (m&m)

Oh my, this journey is so difficult but also very important. I’m sorry this is your reality today and tomorrows.  My thoughts are with you and yours, wishing you some peace and comfort during your moms final departure. 

Thanks for being here. 

Joydean

Deanna, I’m so sorry, but glad you are there with your dear mom. God’s blessing to you both as she waits for God’s arms to embrace her. Peace and comfort for you and your family. 

Love&Light

Deanna, my thoughts are with you as you support your mom through the transition. Your presence is a true comfort to her and I am wishing you both peace.

Deanna_M

Thank you all, for your kind words, prayers, and good thoughts.

This is getting rough.

She is gurgling a lot now and her breathing is labored and noisy. I am having such a hard time tolerating the sounds. The nursing home was kind enough to give her a private room and I have been sleeping in her room in the extra bed. It's been fine for the past couple of nights, but I don't know how I am going to make it tonight. 

It is so hard to hear this. I know that these sounds are normal in the dying process and that this does not cause them distress. I read it's harder on the loved ones. And, yes, I would say that is true for me.

How do I stick it out?

zauberflote

Deanna, my thoughts are with you as you are with your mom in her last hours/days. I wasn't there when my mom died-- she was not expected to die when she did. Would white noise, water sounds, forest sounds, something, played softly, help you any? Or meditative music? I am just throwing stuff out; others will have better ideas.

ButterflyWings

We played soft music on CD when a loved one I was caring for in final months of life got to this point. Some of her favorite music was played on repeat around the clock on a little radio/CD player. But it may be accessible on YouTube via your phone (?) There are many options like meditation music as Zauberflote suggests, or pretty much any genre or style of music she may like. Instrumental or with lyrics if she may feel comforted by hearing something that used to be familiar or part of a tradition.

If you are very upset by this I don't think there is anything wrong with the nature sounds or soft music played through your earbuds to muffle the sound just a bit. Is it any better if you adjust the height of her bed ever so slightly?

We are thinking of you and sending prayers for you both.

May flowers

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Deanna.

MN Chickadee

It’s ok to take  a break. It’s ok to leave the room, whether it be for a few minutes or a few hours. Some people spend every minute at the bedside only to have their LO pass while they are using the bathroom or getting a drink of water. They pass when they pass. Not everyone wants an audience.

 I’m not going to lie, I spent some  hours by my mom’s  bed with headphones in during the noisy breathing. I needed to dull the noises and blank out  my mind after sitting vigil for many days. We can only take so much. Eventually mom’s  breathing became quieter and shallow and I spent an entire day thinking each breath might be her last.  You aren’t going to sleep through this. Either you take a break somewhere else or plan to be awake. Could be another day yet. 

I’m thinking of you. It’s agony. And tonight or tomorrow when she goes you will be so hollow. But we will get through it, just as our mothers did. 

Deanna_M

Thank you, everyone. I used white noise last night to block out the sounds and will most definitely leave for a while today to regroup and collect myself.

When my father passed away, he waited for me to leave for lunch. He clearly wanted to be on his own in his final minutes. My mother may very well be the same.

I remember when I started down the caregiving road for my mother, someone told me "always stay one step ahead of the disease." I followed that to the best of my ability and it definitely made some difficult steps along the way easier. I am not saying this to brag; this has just been my way of coping with this awful disease, throwing myself into the logistical details.

But, nothing could have prepared me for this last stage. Thank you all for being alongside me.

​fesk

You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing the final moments of your mother with us. Loss is never easy, even if we were prepared for it. It's okay to take things one day at a time, hour by hour if needed. Much love to you.

Nerdyblond

Deanna,

I'm very sorry to read that you are going through this. Thank you for sharing. I truly hope you find something to carry away from this experience to pass on to your loved ones as well. I know I am. God bless!

Deanna_M

Thank you, everyone.

I went for a short walk (just 5 minutes) this morning on a path around the nursing home. My husband arrived, from home, at the nursing home while I was on my walk. When we got to my mother's room, she took two good breaths and then she just stopped breathing. That was it.

She's gone. I am okay. She's okay.

wyoming daughter

Thoughts and prayers to you.  We were able to be with my dad when he passed away after a long bout of cancer and it is a spiritual experience.  Hugs to you, and bless you for taking such good care of your mom.  You can take her to the end.

mommyandme (m&m)

Deanna_M,

I’m glad you’re feeling ok.  Thank you for sharing with us.  I do hope you continue to feel at peace and can move forward happily.  Take good care of yourself. 

ButterflyWings

Deanna - Bless you and your family. Wishing you all the time and support you need to care for yourselves as lovingly as you did for your dear mother. May she rest in peace.

SusanB-dil

Deanna - thoughts and prayers and ((hugs)).