How to get DH to sign DPOA

Dio

Thanks to this discussion forum, I just realized I need a DPOA, not just the Advanced Health Directive, which we have. But I may have lost the opportunity to get it done because DH is so distrusting of me now. I barely can get him to sign insurance claim and authorization release of medical record forms. Just a few months ago at the onset of the illness, he had implicitly trusted me in everything. Unfortunately, I had no idea we were dealing with dementia, long-term care, and all of its complications and implications. Any advice will be most welcomed...

Quilting brings calm

If you think your spouse could hold it together to pass muster by the lawyer, you might try doing it at a lawyers office.  he might trust the lawyer.  Many people do that and it works because they are doing theirs too. 

It’s not going to work for my step-dad.  He’s adamant that he won’t give it to me.  I’ve since decided I don’t want it.  I no longer  want to be legally responsible for him.  It’s different for you though as you own property  with him, are already legally entwined with him too  and you need it  to make sure he’s properly cared for. 

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jfkoc

I would make an appointment with the lawyer to have a DPOA drawn up for yourself....your husband would be the agent. If he sees you are getting one, and we all need one, perrhaps he will get one too.

toolbeltexpert

Dio  I found out here about the Dpoa when I started reading posts. I set it up for my dw and she saw me as her hero being able to get all that legal stuff done, she was aware that what I was doing was incase something happened to me so. Every part was read and signed. It was active as soon as she signed it. The bank kinda gave me the run around, wanted their lawyers to vet it. I think it's probably now or never the way I see it. There is a lot of good information in all the other posts. I did meet the lawyer before and explained what I wanted and it was all drawn up so the first time dw came it was sign time.

Dio

Thanks, everyone! Since I am joint owner in all financial accounts and assets, I'm not concerned with my ability to access them. Thus, I never considered the need for POA. Now, I realize it's the need to just be able to talk to doctors, his employee benefits, insurance, release of health info, the list goes on. Also, it's looking ahead to when, perhaps, the need to sell assets to pay for his long-term care. None of these ever occurred to me that a POA is needed. Wish me luck!

Love&Light

 My experience was a bit different from the above. About three and a half years ago I went to visit my dad in Florida. At the time his new wife wanted to secure DPOA of my Father under the guise of making medical decisions for him. TBH, I was pretty much a deer in the headlights and in denial about his Alzheimers. I trusted her and because I was attempting to get them both moved into assisted living, agreed to go to the lawyer's office to help support them both through this process.

 His house was in his name and he had always been very adamant about it staying that way and using it to pay for his care if needed. During the visit, the lawyer was going through the options talking about trusts and power of attorneys and how to manage it AND because it was an unexpectedly sudden marriage how to divvy up the assets when the time came. Spoiler alert, Dad had the lionshare of the assets.
  Luckily my dad was still somewhat cogent. At some point in the meeting he got extremely agitated and began citing all of the costs that he had always covered for the house including H O A fees and property tax and upgrades and utilities. It escalated to the point where Dad was quite angry and the wife was getting very aggressive with the fact that he was not complying. At that point the lawyer said that there was a conflict of interest and he could not move forward.
 Thank God this happened. Had we gone through with this, he would have lost everything to this woman. Unbeknownst to me and my sibs, she had already gained access to his bank accounts and drained half of his cash.
I immediately went home and engaged with a lawyer who told me that at this stage in my Father's dementia, guardianship was the only option. He was very blunt about it and said that it would be extremely expensive, time-consuming  and difficult. All of which were true.
Sadly I learned about this far too late in the process. I wish I had found this community so much earlier in my journey with this awful disease.

Dio

Success! He signed smoothly.

Our attorney drafted a DPOA for each of us, so we both signed for each other and as each other's agent. Also helped that his best friend was present to emphasize how important this document is.

Crushed

Love&Light wrote:

 My experience was a bit different from the above. About three and a half years ago I went to visit my dad in Florida. At the time his new wife wanted to secure DPOA of my Father under the guise of making medical decisions for him.

 AND because it was an unexpectedly sudden marriage how to divvy up the assets when the time came. Spoiler alert, Dad had the lionshare of the assets.

 Thank God this happened. Had we gone through with this, he would have lost everything to this woman. Unbeknownst to me and my sibs, she had already gained access to his bank accounts and drained half of his cash.

The proper legal term for the lady you call "this woman" is  "his wife"    he married her and took on legal obligations to her  He has no comparable obligations to you.  You or he may think his assets are there only for his care but that is not the law.

  
 

jmlarue

Dio - Celebrating your success on getting the DPOA signed. That will definitely be a huge help. One bit of advice I picked up from others here - make sure the original documents are kept in a secure place with redundancy - like a safety deposit box or fireproof safe in the home. Keep written records for yourself and any person named as Alternate on the DPOA regarding both the lawyer's and the notary's name and contact info, as well as the date the original was signed and where. Note the name and contact info for any other witnesses to the execution of the DPOA. Once you make sure the original document(s) are secure, make copious photocopies to keep on hand for distribution to banks, insurance, mortgage, government agencies, etc. Keep a copy with you at all times - one in your purse, the glove box of your car, in luggage during travel, with a trusted friend. You going to do all this to be sure that you don't have try to reproduce proof of a valid DPOA years down the road when you and your DH's memories grow dim.

Dio

JM, Thanks for the advice! I scanned the documents so I now have an electronic version of each, which I had sent via email to myself and 3 siblings. This way, I can retrieve it electronically anytime from my email. Of course, I don't know which institution(s) will need to see the actual hardcopy originals. I don't have any other safe or protective device for the originals.

jmlarue

None have a right to demand the original document. If they do, explain that you'll be happy to show them the original and allow them to make a copy of it while you wait, but only if it can be done in a personal visit. Under NO circumstances should you mail or deliver the original to them and leave it in their custody. Government agencies are notorious for demanding such a thing. Don't trust that it will ever be returned.

Joydean

Dio, congratulations! Big success! Jmlarue is right, make lots of copies. Make sure you put a c on the copies for your own records. I’m just saying that because I had to use ours and almost gave the original, so now I have c on the copies!

Gig Harbor

You need to get someone else on your DPOA to make decisions on your behalf. It does not sound like your husband would be able to make good decisions. I made my daughter my DPOA. That is great that your husband went along with the process.

Dio

Thanks, Gig! I figured one step at a time. I can revoke my DPOA (and advanced health directive, per our PCP's recommendation as well) anytime and redo them with a more suitable alternate later. For now, it was mainly to secure me with DPOA in this volatile time and to have him sign it without letting his "suspicion" get in the way. I also know we need to have a living trust done, so once that's in place I'll sleep better ... heavy sigh, so much legal stuff to do.

Crushed

I have on several occasions used a notarized copy of the original power of attorney

the Notary  examines the power and the copy and  seals an additional notarial page/ certificate  that it is an exact copy 

 for an example 

 https://www.mosers.org/docs/default-source/forms/notarial-certificate-for-a-copy-of-a-power-of-attorney.pdf?sfvrsn=121d1285_15

jmlarue

Crushed - good advice. I've done this, too, a couple of times, although I find it an annoyance that I have to go hunt down a notary again. Anything that shuts down a bank manager or government apparatchik is worth the effort, however.