Preparing for Placement

Gig Harbor

I am calling the memory care tomorrow and I think they have rooms available. I feel so guilty but I need to have some semblance of a life and we don’t have family close by to help. What time frame will I be looking at and what did you need to do to facilitate the move. I will order a bed. Should I get a headboard? He never sits up in bed. If you provide your own sheets how many sets did you provide? They have a pharmacy that services all his meds but they said I could do it if I wanted to. I am tempted to let them do it because it would be easier even though it would be more expensive I think. He is on three types of eye drops for glaucoma and I will try to only do one. He has no signs of damage yet and certainly won’t develop it during the remainder of his life. He is also on a blood thinner for a fib. If he falls and develops a blood clot he could have a bleed. If he stops it he could have a stroke. Not sure which way to go. He never looks at pictures on our walls but I will take some in so that the staff can see something of his life before dementia. This is heartbreaking. This week he has forgotten how to dress and wanted help putting a half eaten banana back together.

Quilting brings calm

I am assuming you’ve already spoken to the MC about the bed?  I ask because I toured a MC in 2019 and that one preferred their own beds. In their case, they did not want bed bugs.  Although I think they would  allow you to buy a new one. 

Whatever you bring in terms of clothes and linens should be marked with his name.  Laundry tends to get redistributed even then,  also label any object that can be ‘shopped’ by the other residents. 

My parent’s AL provides medication management when requested. They use a pharmacy  that provides the residents’  medication in pill packs clearly marked with name, date and time to take.  They deliver to the AL twice weekly. Staff will also go to the pharmacy inbetween if needed.  Their doctor can fax the prescription directly to the pharmacy.  The pharmacy has copies of their prescription cards and bills my parents monthly. The medication is kept in locked cabinets in my my parent’s apartment.  Staff  unlock the cabinet and gives my parents their medication.   I love it!   

Ed1937

Gig, I'm sorry. It's just so darn hard. Would you consider not giving him any eye drops at all? The blood thinners is a problem that there probably is not a good option to consider.

Joydean

Gig, it just seems like so many more decisions to make. I do hope you can rest some after you get things settled. 

loveskitties

The Memory Care folks will want to do their own assessment of his current needs.

They should be given a list of all meds he currently takes/uses.  If they see a problem with any of them, they will discuss it with you.  

As for bed, they may actually have furniture available, just need to discuss it with them.  We took no furniture at all for my dad.  His room had chest of drawers, night stand with lamp, and an arm chair.  The bed was a hospital bed which was ordered by doctor so that insurance covered it (Medicare).  We had to buy a wheelchair and walker.

We only got 2 sets of sheets because I was going daily and doing all his laundry.  Facility should be able to tell you what they need you to supply.  This may also include incontinence underwear if he needs them.

Never take anything that you will care about if it gets "lost".  

Everything including shoes and slippers should have his name or at least initials on it.

Our aids preferred sweat pants for dad as they are easy on/easy off.

Wishing both of you an easy transition.

Gig Harbor

Ed I would definitely consider not using eye drops as long as the eye pressure won’t build up and cause pain. He doesn’t like having them put in. I also want to stop the blood thinners. 

Quilting the memory care does not provide furniture and that is OK because I want to get him a full size mattress. I will order labels for his clothes but in the meantime I could mark things with a sharpie.

ButterflyWings

Gig- Please try not to feel guilty. You are doing this for your LO and yourself (not to him as we say here). You both matter. I hope he adjusts quickly and has a wonderful care team. Since ending up on this tragic path, we have encountered many, many more kind and empathetic people than not. May he receive the best of care as you start to reclaim your own life. 

I think it is a decision that takes so much courage compared to me just keeping my DH at home which I hope to do “forever” —to the end of the road for one of us. Even placing him for respite was so hard to do. Silly me, I think sometimes. I hope and pray to outlive his disease.  Being 20 years younger than him, that is what we always assumed but without figuring in dementia. Well, time will tell.  You are making the best choice at this time. Good for you. I hope all goes smoothly.

Stuck in the middle

Gig, I'm sorry you have to do this.  I'm not an expert but here are some thoughts.

My brother bought a hospital bed after back surgery so he could sleep more comfortably.  The ability to change positions helps avoid bed sores too, and your LO may have a problem with that later.

I use eye drops to prevent glaucoma, but since your LO has no damage and will have none in his lifetime, I would stop them.

I think I would still treat the A-Fib with blood thinners.  A fall might cause a bruising or even a hematoma on blood thinners, but the blood thinners make it less likely that it would cause a clot.

I would let the MC do the meds.  Then if you are in hospital or can't get the meds for some other reason, he gets his meds.

I would talk to the MC about number of sheets etc.  

Good idea on the pictures.  

Best wishes.

Beachfan

Dear Gig,

First, take a deep breath and don’t overload on decisions.  As far as a time frame, I visited the MCF with DH (and family members along) on October 29.  The purpose of the visit was to arrange a 30 day respite.  For the respite (or for permanent placement) DH needed a negative COVID test within one week of admission,  and he needed his Doctor’s written authorization that he needed to be in a secure facility dated within 72 hours of admission.  He also needed mountains of paperwork and signatures of agreement  from me on all sorts of topics.  We picked November 12 as the admission date and worked backward from there to get the COVID test and Dr.’s order and paperwork done.  In the 2 week period that I was gathering the information, the kids convinced me that respite was only a band aid and it was time for permanent placement.   So, in a nutshell, the timeframe, for my DH was 2 weeks.  

His furniture is provided; I brought a few family photos and each resident is invited to have a collage display outside their door with mementos or photos, mostly for staff to become familiar. (He spends no time in his room except to sleep.)   His only medication is 25 mg Zoloft; I get it by mail and drop it off every 90 days (I suspect it will be discontinued after this prescription).  His monthly fee is all inclusive, except for Depends and wipes (MCF will provide for a fee).  I have them auto delivered so I can manage the supply better.

This is probably the hardest thing that you will ever do, but you DO need a semblance of life; there is no reason to feel guilty.  You have fought the good fight.  My DH was easy, I do have family around me to help, but I was drowning and I couldn’t see it. I love DH with all my heart, I miss what we had, but I have absolutely, positively no guilt or regret. If the situation were reversed, I would want him to go on living. You can rescind or postpone your decision at any time.  I am praying for you.  Stay strong and best wishes.  

Gig Harbor

Thanks everyone for your ideas and support. Beachfan thank you for saying your husband was easy but you felt like you were drowning. That is how I feel. My husband of course does not see that I am bored senseless and missing life. He had years of riding his motorcycle all over the area when I would leave for work and taking two to three hour walks with our dog again while I was at work. He would ask what time we were going to eat when I got home at 7pm after a 12 hour shift. I have more than put in my time and I will try my best not to feel guilty. Right now he is sitting with me watching TV and I have to wonder if he will miss doing that. They will probably have him go to bed earlier than this. I have a lot to find out about what his routine will be.

Joe C.

Gig, When I placed DW, I initially chose to use our pharmacy and bring in her meds. After a couple of months I switched over to the MC pharmacy and I don’t notice any difference in pricing. Since DW is on Medicare with an Rx Part D, I believe all medication pricing is negotiated with the pharmacies. I wish you the best as you move forward.

harshedbuzz

Gig Harbor wrote:

What time frame will I be looking at and what did you need to do to facilitate the move.

I'd already done the tours and decided on my top 3 choices. My number one had a waiting list, mom's number one did not offer him a bed after the DON came to assess him (she was concerned about behaviors associated with his particular diagnosis which he never exhibited in care). Initially, I got mom to start the process of admission as "respite" ahead of her sister's funeral which was to be held in May. Once mom decided she wanted to make it a permanent move, we could have had a room within the week. 

 I will order a bed. Should I get a headboard? He never sits up in bed. If you provide your own sheets how many sets did you provide?

Dad's MCF had options. They would provide basic bed (which was lower to the ground and had an amazingly comfortable mattress), nightstand, dresser and chair. They were sort of college dorm-like in style. Or you could provide your own furniture which some residents did; one lady had a queen sized bed and a huge glass-fronted breakfront in her room. As residents transitioned to hospice services they tended to replace the MCF bed with a hospital bed to make it easier for the aides.

We chose to use their furniture as we admitted dad using a fiblet that this was a temporary stay in a "Fancy Rehab". I styled the room to resemble something like a Holiday Inn. My aunt chose to bring some pretty pieces from her sister's cottage so she'd have lovely and familiar things around her. It was a lovely sentiment but Auntie never really recognized it as hers and the stuff was trashed by staff. 

One caveat is that anything you bring in, will need to be moved out (or donated). After dad died, DH and I went to the MCF with a couple of boxes and removed his personal items- pictures, a couple of clothing items my mom wanted for sentimental reasons and his throw. Driving home we passed the place where he wasn't offered a room and saw a couple with a U-Haul loading up their LO's things.  

Mom decided she would have MC do his laundry. At dad's facility the aides (with the help of the resident if interested) did laundry in the unit in a small room just off the TV room and kitchen. We brought 2 sets of sheets. In the event he went through both sets of sheets, they grabbed a clean set from their stash of donated items. 

They have a pharmacy that services all his meds but they said I could do it if I wanted to. I am tempted to let them do it because it would be easier even though it would be more expensive I think.

My mom went with the MC's pharmacy. It was simpler and she said the prices were pretty much the same. (she's a retired teacher with exceptionally good insurance) YMMV. You can call and ask. 

He is on three types of eye drops for glaucoma and I will try to only do one. He has no signs of damage yet and certainly won’t develop it during the remainder of his life. He is also on a blood thinner for a fib. If he falls and develops a blood clot he could have a bleed. If he stops it he could have a stroke. Not sure which way to go.

When dad moved into MC, we had the option of transitioning him to their affiliated Gerontologist. Dad was stage 6 (minimally) and getting him out to appointments was getting ever more difficult. Plus, my parents were new to the area and while their PCP is great, it's not as if they had a long-term relationship. They also had a podiatrist and dentist who came as needed. After consulting with my mom, the gerontologist suggested a more palliative approach to care and discontinued some of his medications and ceased some specialist care. We stopped cardiology (discontinued his statin and BP meds) and ophthalmology (AMD).

 He never looks at pictures on our walls but I will take some in so that the staff can see something of his life before dementia.

Dad's MCF had a shadow box at each suite's entry to help staff connect with residents. A few times staff would ask dad about the pictures while they were opening his door for him. Dad also had a favorite portrait of my mom (which an other resident "borrowed" constantly) and one of my sister and me. She'd been his favorite and died 20 years before; he seemed to worry constantly about forgetting her which is the only reason I put it up. 

Anything that he has needs to be labeled. I ordered labels and used a "Sharpie" on many items. I made copies of family photographs (except the massive life-size one of sis and myself) so that the originals were safe with my mom. 

This is heartbreaking. This week he has forgotten how to dress and wanted help putting a half eaten banana back together.

It is a terrible thing to go through. FWIW, I found the time between deciding to place and actually taking him to the facility to be the hardest part in many ways. 

HB

White Crane

Gig, I hope and pray this works out for you.  You have taken good care of your DH.  Now it is time to let others shoulder the care and let you get back to being a wife and having a life.  You have been a wonderful caregiver and do not need to feel guilty.  You are in my prayers.

Rescue mom

Others already gave good advice, especially about the hard parts. I’ll just add, try not to stress too much over what furniture and “things” you will need. IME, a lot depends on the facility. Some want a certain bed, some supply various pieces, etc. Same with sheets  towels blankets etc.—some provide and launder, although you can bring your own if you want. You can also pay to have more/different laundry done. I used the facility linens, but had a couple extra sets n hand, in case.

Even if you could place immediately, most places have sources for “packages” of needed/appropriate furnishings, fast.

As you know (I just keep seeing it discussed by others) do not take *anything* there that you don’t mind losing. Names help, but many residents don’t realize what they mean. Photos should be copied. 

I started out bringing my moms meds, then had the facility handle it. She only took 1-2 though; most were discontinued as her dementia grew and care was palliative.

She very quickly needed/used far, far less than we put in with her.

Marie58

Gig, such a hard decision, but the time seems right for you both. The facility should have some sort of welcome/move-in packet with info for you (and lots of paperwork to sign). Then get a pad of paper and write out any questions you come up with. I got DH a new full size bed from Costco. Best prices and they delivered and set up prior to DH moving in. I wouldn't worry about a headboard. They may or may not require you to use their pharmacy. DH's meds have to be bubble-packed and not all pharmacies do that. And if you use their's, they take care of refills. I didn't notice much change in prices. I provided Depends and wipes as it was less expensive than using their's, which was an extra fee. I got them at Costco and brought them in myself. I filled his shadow box with pictures and a couple meaningful items and I made a couple poster size pictures that contained photos from birth to present. It helped the staff, and now Hospice, get to know him. Best wishes as you make this transition. It'll be hard, but nothing about this journey is easy. 

PS I can't over emphasize making lists and asking them any and all questions. I made a move-in list with columns of what's coming from home and what I needed to buy. And things to do ahead of time. There's just so much that it helped to be organized, but that's just me haha.