Decision making help

Lena2

Hi! My 94 y.o father in law has undiagnosed dementia which has been noticeable since Fall of 2020. He has a vacation home in the desert, which is 100 miles from his primary home. He goes back and forth just about every week(habit) with a girlfriend (83) he met in the desert community a couple years ago. In April, his GF fell and my FIL was too frail to help her up, so 911 was called. She hurt her knee, had surgery and has been in a rehab for about 3 weeks. Since end of April, his out of state son went to visit him for his birthday, so did my husband also out of state (just for a few days). I was hoping they would get him to move to the one story desert home (a senior community), and hire a caretaker but nothing happened. My brother in law has been there ever since April so FIL has not driven in over a month, thank goodness!! A couple weeks ago I sent the unsafe driver DMV form anonymously (day after he did not recognize my son when we facetimed him.)  He got it last week and he needs to see his physician in two weeks or licensed revoked. There's no way he will pass the exam and he would never even know he got the form if it wasn't for his son opening it. Here is my issue. His GF gets out of rehab place in desert in a few hours. She also has obvious cognitive decline and is insisting she go to his large two story home with lots of steps, even though his sons keep telling him its not a good idea.  This is making me very nervous bc, it's very dangerous and his dad won't be able to drive very soon. I'm so exhausted from trying to fix the aftermath and put out fires just so FIL can feel independent and the sons aren't "the bad guy." If they both go to his 2 story home it will be a disaster. Im trying to be supportive and stay out out of it as much as I can, but it's been almost a year of emergencies (flooding both homes, unpaid bills, etc...) just so he dad can feel "Independent." I pushed for my husband to get POA and now he does and takes care of financial, but no home care, cleaners have been called or set up. My husband tells me his dad is warming up to the idea of cleaners every other week!!!! I'm so frustrated!!! Is there anything I can do or say to my father in law or brother in law to stop them  from going to two story home or to encourage staying ion the desert? BTW, both homes have pools.  Thanks so much for reading! So much amazing help and  support on the message boards!

Nerdyblond

Well, dang girl! What a mess!

I found that positive suggestion over a short period of time is very effective. Your FIL and GF are in denial about their independence and they are struggling with the idea they are no longer able to do what they love doing. So you try telling them that they had their time and now it is time to make necessary changes to keep them safe...but in a nicer way than I just said that...ha ha..

We had to tell my mom firmly but gently that she has a diagnosed disease and that we had to take steps to make sure she was cared for. So I would suggest getting an actual diagnosis for your FIL and showing him the results on paper. You might have to do that several times. Then tell him the options he has based on the safest measures and let him choose. Then remind him what he chose. This will help with his "independence".

It will literally take a few to many tries to help him understand what is going on. Denial is powerful. 

It is hard trying to put out fires, so help your husband understand that if he and his siblings control the source, there will be less fires. They sound like they are a little in denial too and this is a thing that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE wants to deal with. But it must be done, and I am very sorry.

Good luck to you!

Iris L.

Nerdyblond wrote:

 . Your FIL and GF are in denial about their independence and they are struggling with the idea they are no longer able to do what they love doing. 

The majority of PWDs (persons with dementia) exhibit anosognosia,  which is unawareness of having dementia and limitations.  If you confront them with reality, they will resist and become upset.  Thus it is better to learn work-arounds, which the members will teach you, in order to get things done.  Very often the people closest to the PWD do observe the limitations, but for various reasons, ignore what they see.  Or they may be cognitively impaired themselves.

Iris

ButterflyWings

This is 100% the case with my DH. Learning about anosognosia helped me so much!

6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia – DailyCaring

Quilting brings calm

It’s too bad the rehab didn’t put the stop to the release to the two story home.  My mom’s rehab refused to release her until the assisted living apartment was ready for her. In other words… not the hotel room that my step-father had been staying in.  I’m glad it’s your husband and brother in law that are the ones there and not you.  I think they need the dose of reality as much as your FIL and his GF. They seem reluctant to say no to their father.  A feeling I know well because my stepfather is stubborn and won’t listen to anything I say. 

The entire year has been a series of crises that have gone to waste,   It seems that you now have to wait for another crisis- one of them falling again, one of them unable to get out of the pool, etc.    You really have  to tell your spouse that he needs to be the one dealing with everything that comes up, not you - since he refuses to be the bad guy.  Otherwise he can continue to be in denial.  

Lena2

 “They seem reluctant to say no to their father.”  

Yes!!! They are scared of him and want his approval. My husband even said that he doesn’t want his dad to pass away while being mad at him. Yet, he’s OK for  his 94 y/o dad to potentially hurt or kill people on the road? Nothing much I can do now, but fil losing his license will for force the sons to take action. No license and no insurance can wipe out most of his estate if something goes wrong. Thanks for the responses!

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