Discovering our failing approaches

Ed1937

I think the way we come across to our LOs has a lot to do with how they respond to us. When a situation arises, it's not only what we say to them, but how we say it. I wonder if it would be worth it to record ourselves through the day so we could go back to notice if we handled the situation properly. Did I sound like a smart a$$? Controlling? Did I express empathy? Did I consider how they felt about the situation? If we got a response different from what we'd like, could a recording help us to find out why that happened? Is this far fetched? Is it even doable?Thoughts? OK, maybe I need something to do.

jfkoc

Someone posted years ago that it was "all in the approach". I believe there is a lot to that.

May flowers

It’s very hard/impossible to keep on an even keel all the time. We are only human. I saw a good example today of it’s not only what we say but how we say it. Our caregiver today was very upbeat, cheerful and happy - but she had a strong accent and I don’t think my FIL understood a word she said!  But he responded well to the attitude even with things that normally upset him.

Joydean

Ed, that ideal is not far fetched. When I was still working part of my job was in the training department. The first thing I had them do was make a video of them preforming certain jobs. Then review it, do you think you are sincere? If not then why? Questions we have to ask our self when caring for our love one. 

Dr Natalie is currently doing a work shop on Relationship and it is very good.  She points out “your relationship with anyone is your thoughts about that person. It really is not about your emotions, but what you are thinking about that person.” Do you have good thoughts or anger thoughts? To me it is another tool. 

toolbeltexpert

Oh absolutely it matters. Ed I always go back in my mind and try to look at what happened in situations that are good and bad to do just what your saying, learn from them. Try, try,try again. I am working on my Perseverance badge.

mrl

Oh Ed,

Please don't second guess yourself..you are a wonderful person and caregiver. She knows, trust me she does. Don't ever doubt yourself.

Always,

Michele

jmlarue

I agree, Ed. I know my behavior sometimes escalates a bad situation. When I finally find a calm moment, I'll replay the "tape" in my head, reevaluate, and vow to do better next time. One would think things would get better over time. It doesn't - at least, not for me. There's a line from the movie, The Green Mile...."I'm tired, Boss." I think that's it in a nutshell. For the most part I feel like Sisyphus: the legendary King of Corinth condemned to eternally and repeatedly roll a heavy rock up a hill in Hades, only to have it roll down again as it nears the top. I'm just tired, Boss. The never-ending, all-day-every-day frustrations get suppressed and become a festering boil that finally ruptures and spews ugliness. It doesn't really seem to effect my DH. 15 min. later he has no recollection that I lost my you-know-what. Pressure and pain released, so I start again. Truly, I'm tired, Boss. I'm ready to walk away and forget I ever heard of or lived through: anosognosia, aphasia, verbal assaults, angry aggression, irrational delusions, hallucinations, lack of self-control, narcissism, or plain old, garden variety mule-headedness.

God Bless the caregivers out there who keep on keeping on with a smile on their face, no regrets, and their own mental health still intact. I'm pretty sure I'm not one of them. 

Kevcoy

I read this yesterday and agreed about how important it is to not only watch what we say but how we say it.  So what do I do yesterday?  I lost it when the key that is supposed to be in the front door was gone.  For some reason it is just different enough, the other keys don't work on the inside just the outside.  I lost it and am afraid my anger and tone of voice was enough to upset my DH enough that he was on me all afternoon.  We found the key in his pocket later but I regret how I handled this.

toolbeltexpert

Like I said I try to learn from my mistakes. I know what triggered my dw on sunday, and I am ready for the next time I need to do it differently, and I have a fix.

DrinaJGB

I feel guilty enough from being worn out and trying my best which at times is not my best at all.

  I sure don't want to record myself and possibly feel even worse about an impossible situation. I am here for the long haul-a dozen years and counting--and I muster up enough patience and fortitude to get us both through the day. Don't we take enough grief from clueless but oh so seemingly meaningful folks who will never get it?

  I am not about to beat myself up any more than I already do. Hard pass.