fibbing roller coaster

odowd

Boy oh boy, I'm finding it hard to know when to fib to mom and how to keep up with her!

She's in a NH (has been for 7 months total, four at her current facility). Last night she called saying she was in her uncle's house and needed to go back to her house. She inherited the uncle's house when he died almost 12 years ago.

OK, so I'm trying to practice the "meet them where they are" idea and also not telling her a deceased relative that she thinks is alive is actually dead. So first I just tell her that she can stay there, that he's not coming back there.

"Well why not? Where is he?" I tell her he's in Florida (he used to winter in FL). "No, he only spends the winters in Florida." (darn*!)

Then I pivot to say that it's her house now, that he left the house to her. "Where did you hear that?" she asks. I tell her she told me that. "Well I never saw any papers saying that." Trying to keep up with her... I tell her I saw the papers. 

Then she asks where all her things are, that all this furniture in her room isn't hers. So now I pivot to saying that you're not at the house RIGHT NOW, you're at <name of NH>. But she's insisting it's a single-family home and she can see such-and-such street our her window. So now I'm committed to explaining to her that no, you're at a medical facility. 

That's when she reverts to her usual, "Well why am I at a medical facility? I never see any doctors or nurses." I explain that she does indeed see nurses everyday, they give her her medication, check her BP, etc. But she starts to get upset because she doesn't have any recollection of that. Then it's on to how she got there, how this all happened without her knowing any of it. So I explain that she had a fall and went to the hospital, then came here for physical therapy (all true) and that now they are monitoring her progress.

By this point she starts crying and says she just wants to go home. But she also keeps asking where that is (I tell her the street name, she says, "no, that's uncle's house," so now it's back to reminding her that it's her house now). She wants to know how long she has to be there, I tell her it's up to the medical staff. Then she wants to know when they will make that determination, and back to "where will I go if they tell me, OK, you're fine now, you're being discharged, I have nowhere to go, I have no car, no house." I remind her again she does have a house (and a car), and then she asks again where that house is.

Then it's on to why she can't go home now, she gets around just fine in her wheelchair. And I tell her that they need to monitor her mobility and dispense her medications. And then she says, "and if I go home the nurses and all that go away?" So I say yes, and it seems we finally land in a place where she's out of questions.

Apart from complaining again that she doesn't have a car and she can't even go grocery shopping, to which I tell her she doesn't need to do any grocery shopping, they provide all her meals. But she thinks that will stop, that they won't keep feeding her forever.

I get stuck sometimes about which alternate reality I should go along with and which ones I should correct her on, and I feel like I'm the one spinning out of control because I don't know where she's going to take me next.

jmlarue

Sometimes, being vague and then throwing in a distraction will help stop the relentless interrogation. I think it's easier to do face-to-face, but could work with a phone call, too. 

Original: So first I just tell her that she can stay there, that he's not coming back there.

"Well why not? Where is he?"

Alternative: Uncle said he doesn't need the house anymore. "Well, why not? Where is he?" (vague) Gee, Mom, I'm not sure. I'll see if I can find out for you... (distraction) Hey! Mom, have you had breakfast yet? or Hey! Mom, I was thinking that you might be ready for a haircut, What do you think? or Hey! Mom, I saw some nice slippers on sale. Would like to have some new ones? 

Anything can work as a distraction if you start it with the attention grabber, "Hey! Mom," and then take the conversation as far away from the hard topic as possible. 

oehlsena

I think you handled that as well as you could. I have lately tried the tactic of simply agreeing with whatever version of reality my LO is presenting. She will say she needs to "get going to the store," or a myriad of other places, and I will simply reply "yes," and then she will seemingly immediately be distracted by something else oftentimes.

odowd

jmlarue, thanks for the suggestion! Today she called saying she needed to pack up her things because Uncle Ray was coming home tomorrow, and I just said that he wasn't and then asked her about her hair appointment today and if she got the new flowers I sent. And it got her off the subject right away. That said, she did come back to it 5-10 minutes later but it was a welcome break.

jmlarue

  Yep, the vague answer and distraction trick often needs to be repeated....and repeated. The biggest advantage to the tactic is interrupting the conversation so that her agitation about a particular subject won't ramp up to the level of arguing. If she insists on coming back to the same thing over and over, it's time to say how wonderful it was to talk to her, but you need to go now. Promise to call later, if need be, but end the call.