should I talk with Dad about my late mother?

RachelMSchneewind

My dad is 92 and has Parkinson's and his short-term memory is failing rapidly. My mother died about a year ago. Dad never mentions her. I don't know whether to bring her up with him or to leave him be in his silence. What do you think?

May flowers

We talk about my late MIL, but more in the context of past events (trips they took, etc.). We don’t mention that she’s passed. He doesn’t ask or seem to have much memory of her.

LicketyGlitz

This is a question we had too, Rachel, when our dad died leaving us caregivers for my mom. Sometimes she asked about him and I would try to gauge if she needed to hear the truth at that time, or if a fiblet along the lines of "He's waiting for you and we'll be there when you're ready." If your dad's not talking about your mom, do you feel like he's forgotten about her, or it's too painful for him? Is it something where it would help you to talk about your mom with him? You can always give it a try, and if it goes badly, don't do it again!

Trial and error was a big strategy in our dementia journey.

Best to you and your dad. And sorry for the loss of your mom.

Olly_Bake

Mom will be gone two years come October. Dad does not remember and is always asking about honey or call her by her first name. Just yesterday, at the hospital. he asked where is honey? I asked why because she is probably sleeping. He goes I want her to cook us up a good meal. If not that, it is he has got to get home and take care of her, which is what he helped do when she got down. At times I think it's what keeps him fighting. He thinks she is still here on this side.

It is so heartbreaking!

Mint

My aunt did not remember she had a husband.   There was a picture of him in her room.  If I mentioned him she didn’t know who I was talking about.

Rascalin78

I'm just a rookie in this memory care but I don't think that I would mention it myself. 

My Mother confuses me with being my late Father and it hasn't been good if you know what I mean sometimes.

If it's possible for this happen by triggering something you sure wouldn't want that problem along with what you're already dealing with.

I stand to be corrected and learn here if wrong about this myself ... there are a lot of knowledgeable people here and they are a blessing. 

Just trying to help ...

Joydean

If your dad is asking about your mom ,as you said , it could be comforting to him to just share stories about your mom. You don’t have to mention that she is no longer here. Just an opinion. 

jmlarue

Personal opinion - your dad isn't asking about your mom. It's not because he doesn't want to, it's because he can't. That memory is gone. However hurtful that is for you, consider that it may be a blessing for him. Parkinson's has stolen everything from him mentally, physically, and emotionally. You can't honestly wish that he should also feel guilt that he does not remember his loving wife and perpetually grieve over her death? Your mom is gone. She doesn't suffer that he does not remember her. He's not suffering that she's gone. Maybe it would help you to join a grief support group or speak to a grief counselor on how you can alleviate your suffering over the loss of both parents. It can eat you eat you up if you let it.