Please help me. I need a hug

Paris20

I don’t know where to turn. My husband, who is somewhere around stage 6 AD, had a stroke three weeks ago. He is paralyzed on his right side and is unlikely to improve. My daughters came to help us, for which I am very grateful.

Today we moved my husband to the best assisted living, extended nursing care facility in the area. It is costing me close to 15K per month. After six hours, I took advantage of my daughters’ presence and went home. They stayed with him for another couple of hours. He was becoming increasingly agitated. They did not call me.

After my kids left the facility, I received a call from a staff member. My husband was belligerent, threatening, and out of control. I suggested they give him his night meds in early evening to help prevent these episodes, which I had told them about when we applied for admission there. Then I spoke to my PCP’s partner, on call. She told me that the facility needed to figure out how to deal with DH. She added that I deserved a rest and could not go running over there for every meltdown. She will discuss all this with our PCP tomorrow.

I saved the worst for last. When I told my younger daughter about the meltdown, she exploded on me, saying I was selfish, narcissistic, and uncaring for leaving Dad in such a bad state. I knew she was wrong but it hurt like hell. She is not even talking to me. Now, after two weeks of working together to help my husband, she has reverted to some sort of cruel attack against me.

Rick4407

Paris, I'm very sympathetic to your situation.  Nobody gets this who isn't living it.  If you can get her to read posts here it might open her eyes just a little.  Rick

Quilting brings calm

I’m so sorry.  Your daughter is ‘adding insult to injury’.  The only thing to say about that is you are all living under  tremendous stress right now and she broke under it.    It’s really hard as a mom when your adult offspring are mad at you. 

Your staying at the facility any longer would not have prevented his outburst.   

Twin Mom

Paris20...this is a big hug for what you are going through. I am truly sorry your daughter has lashed out at you.  I'm sure she is also hurting.  However, there comes a point where lashing out is not okay.  Unfortunately, only the caregiver can decide what they can and cannot do.  You along with medical guidance have undoubtedly decided this is best for your husband.  Saturday night quarterbacking by your daughter is simply not okay.  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.  You have obviously found a very nice place for him and have the means to provide for him.  You are NOT tossing him to the curb in a flea infested den.  She can certainly visit him all she wants.  If she is not happy with the accommodations, maybe she can suggest an alternative...you are simply unable to continue to be the hands on  caregiver for him with his high level of needs.  That is not unreasonable.  Again, you are still providing for him, just not doing the physical hands on care....that is OK...unfortunately, I can't make capital letters any larger.  Hugs...drink a warm cup of tea...and try to get a well deserved night of rest.  (Probably need to take the phone off the hook).

Joydean

Paris hugs and more hugs for a VERY SPECIAL lady!

JudyMorrowMaloney

People can be so judgemental. They don't know what it is like to care for someone with this disease. If they knew they would understand how warn out, depressed, and tired we get.

Stuck in the middle

Big hug, Paris.  I'm so sorry.

M1

Oh Paris.  I'm sure she wants her father back, just like you wish you had your spouse back.  But to take it out on you is absolutely not okay.  

If she is going to behave that way, in your fantasies you can tell her:   fine, you go take care of him.  Take him home with you, if you're so sure you can do better.  You know that's not the case....many times in situations like this I will write letters that I never send.  Maybe that would be an outlet.

Institutional care is just not what it's cracked up to be--but you can't take care of him at home, either.  Home care is not to be had.  We are all running on shoestrings here.  I am so, so sorry--Absolutely sending cyberhugs and commiseration.  Glad you posted it.  We are with you in spirit.

sandwichone123

Paris, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Remember that anger is one of the stages of grief. It doesn't usually help to hear that lashing out at someone in anger is often a statement of trust--your daughter couldn't lash out at Alzheimer's, or at your husband, or at the staff, but she felt safe lashing out at you.

This is not how it should be, but it's often how it is. If she's not speaking to you now, you're both going to have some space to heal and recover from what has been extremely stressful for all concerned. Keep your own boundaries to protect yourself, but give her some grace as well. This is horrible for everyone.

Cherjer

I won't comment on  your daughter , but the facility should have enough expertise to deal with  your husband. You are paying so much money for him to have the best care and they should not be calling you. This is not right and when you talk to your dr.maybe he/she can give you some alternatives.

Paris20

Thank you all so much. My daughters are both leaving tomorrow.I will try to make peace with the daughter who is showing so much anger toward me. It’s true. She is grieving, as we all are. She has one hell of a way to express it. All I can do is hope for some measure of success in this horrible situation. Meanwhile any advice, and hugs, are welcome.

toolbeltexpert

Hugs for you! Others have said it so well.

Ernie123

We all unravel when dealing with excessive stress and grief. As others have pointed out your daughter is probably reacting to the horrible situation, not you personally. My hug comes with a bit of advice for you: after your daughters leave and you are home alone without the pressure of providing 24/7 care, you will likely experience an emotional crash not unlike PTSD. Be sure to contact your own physician is you are feeling excessive grief and anxiety. You may need some temporary medication to help you through the first weeks of transition. It is a sign of strength to reach out and ask for help, not weakness. In my case after my DW was placed in care over two years ago, I was a basket case. My son took me to my doctor who prescribed Lorazepam to take as needed. It was the first time in my life I needed medication to overcome a personal challenge. My doctor said after the stress of months of increasingly challenging caregiving culminating with the stress of her placement it is normal to have an emotional crash. I wish you the strength to push through the next few weeks. Keep us informed of how things are going, my heart goes out to you.

Buggsroo

Paris,

I feel for you. I agree with the others that your daughter is grieving, but that it isn’t ok to go after you. Sadly you are the mature one, the adult. I hope you can sort it out with her. I sends you hugs.

Pat6177

I have no advice but what Ernie said sure makes sense. Here’s my virtual hugs ((((Paris)))) When you get a chance, be sure to let us know how things go on Saturday. Will be thinking of you.

Gig Harbor

Paris hugs to you. Hopefully your daughter will realize that you could not care for him at home. Round the clock care at home can cost $25,000 a month. If you are still working you would need that and at that cost it is out of the reach of most people. If you aren’t working, caring for a stroke patient is very hard for one person to do. Hopefully your daughter will come around and see that. She is grieving for a part of her father that is gone forever but it is not right that she take it out on you. When they go home and you send reports on how he is doing maybe make them sound upbeat. Accentuate anything positive and don’t share the negatives. Also don’t be afraid to ask the staff to be sure that your husband has adequate medication for anxiety. Even though he can’t express himself think about what you would want in his position. Sleeping and dreaming maybe the only activity that is really available for him and it would be ok for him to do that. I hope you are all able to work this out and comfort each other.

JoseyWales

(((Paris)))

I just can't imagine everything you're going through, and the added stress of your daughter's anger. You're going through so much and have done such a wonderful job for your DH. May you have peace in the decisions you're making. 

Pam BH

Paris, many hugs your way.  I can't imagine the stress you're dealing with from all different directions. I agree with all the wise words from everyone. You have a lot on your plate but you'll handle it all with courage and wisdom just as you always do

Ed1937

Paris, I'm so sorry, and sending a BIG hug. You have been dealt a terrible hand. I hope your daughter will come around when you talk to her, and I'm guessing she will. When you get something from a close family member, it really hurts. Again, so sorry.

ImMaggieMae

Paris, I am so sorry. I hope you can make peace with your daughter before she leaves. I agree with Cherjer that the facility should have enough expertise to deal with situations like your husband’s. That’s their job. They should not have called you. Hugs to you.

MsDebW

HUGS!!!!!

TheMonck

HUG HUG HUG