Need Help/Guidance with DW - hard to handle

BooBoo2

My DW is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s according to the DR. She does not know who I am which is causing communication problems. She thinks I'm a good friend who is helping her - she doesn't use my name - only says friend. I've not tried to convince her I'm her husband - causes major agitation to her & thens down the path of accusations. Should I tell her I'm her husband 1x & move on &/or change subject? For the last 7 days she is hearing a girl singing from the woods & asks me if I hear that - Ive replied no I haven't but I'm hearing birds & etc - should I just agree with her? She is getting extremely upset & saying " I hate you" - get out of her house - at night she's going thru all the closets & then accusing me of stealing & selling her clothes. 

I'm not sure what to do if this continues much longer. Our Dr. has suggested to me at the last check up in April that I should consider hospice care but I'm confused about the thing - about how do I break it to her that we're bringing in hospice care - just feel its gonna set off more explosive events. She doesn't trust me about anything - in her words I'm a thief, liar, have affairs with everyone we know, can't be trusted. 

Pam BH

For the delusions, definitely agree with her and play along with them if you can. If she thinks you believe her it should help to relieve her anxiety and agitation. Has the doctor mentioned medication to reduce her anxiety from the delusions?  DH is on sertraline for anxiety and seroquel to reduce the severity of the delusions and for restful sleep. May not work for everyone but thankfully it does for him. The delusions are still there but just not as intense.  If this is something new, has she been checked for a UTI? That's always a possibility for changes in behavior.  Hang in there and take care of yourself. There's no one size fits all in this awful disease we're coping with and we have to try all kinds of different things in this caregiving journey.

Rick4407

Hello BooBoo.  I would not correct her impression of you being her friend.  With my DW, sometimes I am a fiend, some times Dad, usually just "hi" with no identification.  When my DW sees/hears things that aren't there I usually just respond that her eyes/ears are better than mine.  For the agitation my DW started Seroquel, a very small dose that has increased slowly over the last 2 years to now about 75 mg per day.  Your Dr's recommendation for hospice may be correct but that usually comes in stage 7 and if your descriptions are new current behaviors they usually start in stage 4, 5 or maybe 6.  Is your Dr a neurologist or familiar with dementia?  

False accusations are fairly common, by and large most caregivers just "move on" without arguing.  Arguing is really pointless and increases agitation.   By the time most dementia patients are ready for hospice they have no ability to grasp what hospice is.  They are just another person coming to visit.  

The learning curve for caregivers is fairly steep.  I encourage you to read many many posts here.  Good luck, Rick

/STEVE

If being a friend works go with it. Something I have hear is ask her how you are different then her husband. ( do not tell her you are) Is my hair different?, am I taller?, am I older?, get the idea? it worth a try.

Pat6177

I agree with Pam that it’s worth checking with the doc for medication to help calm your DW. Also, if your DW’s doc suggested hospice, I would think you might want to look into it. I don’t have any experience but from reading this forum, people who have used hospice have been very glad of the help they do receive. And apparently one hospice provider may not accept your DW but another will. I am sure that if you ask the hospice agency not to use the word hospice in front of your wife, they will honor that request. And all you need to tell your DW is that someone is going to stop by to see if there are any services for seniors that she qualifies for. Or someone from Medicare is stopping by to provide fall prevention advice. Just be sure to let the hospice agency know what fiblet you are using. I’m sure they will go along with it.