That was quite a year.

JoseyWales

As a teacher, I measure life in school years. Yesterday was my last workday for the school year. Today I visited DH in memory care, mowed my lawn and I'm now sitting here taking time for myself.

Last August, I started the year with 2 caregivers providing full time supervision for DH. Things went downhill quickly. I decided on placement about 6 weeks into the school year, but found out that I had bad advice from my lawyer regarding Medicaid, and I honestly wasn't ready to place him. I wish I had placed him anyway, and figured everything out later. Honestly, October - March was BAD. 

Looking back, I have no idea how I survived. I'm so glad all of you were here to support me when I was desperate. I think back to last winter and have NO IDEA how I made it through. I don't think I've even admitted to family and friends how bad it was. No one in real life that I know could even begin to understand. Again - I'm thankful for all of you.

DH has been in memory care for 11 weeks. About a month ago he began being a bit aggressive at his memory care, and the delusions and crying came back big time. He spent 10 days in a psych hospital where they adjusted his meds. I was concerned that he would be over medicated, but that doesn't seem to be a problem. His behaviors are improved, but not drastically improved. Still some crying, but no aggression. Still some resistance to care, I have helped bathe him. 

I am still visiting every other day. There have been a couple of times I stayed away 2 days, but I find that hard to do. I feel like I'm abandoning him.

I'm not sleeping as well as I thought I would. I haven't cleaned my house like I thought I would. I have yet to make a quilt. I have phone calls to make for appointments and some home repairs, and I haven't made the calls yet. I have watched more tv than I'd like to admit. Now that summer is here, I need to start making a new life for myself. It's time.

Ed1937

Josey, I remember what a rough time you had last winter and into the new year. I really didn't think you could pull off what you did. You are a true super woman. Now is the time to get part of your life back. You don't really have to visit as often as you have. There is no way you are abandoning him. Try to destress, and make a quilt or something.

Quilting brings calm

Josey…. Don’t beat yourself up about what you haven’t gotten done. You needed to decompress and rest.  You made it through the school year.  That’s enough.   You’ve got the summer now to keep resting.  If you can sleep, sleep.  If you can’t, tv, a book, a game  on your phone, that’s all ok.   As to the phone calls and appointments, write a list.  Figure out your best time of day to handle those. ( mine is after the paper, coffee and a shower).  Do one call.  If you feel like a second, do that.  If not, stop at one.   If you feel like cleaning a room, do that ..,. Or not.  It will still be there later.   The home repair calls- I think you probably do want to get those scheduled for your summer so that you aren’t taking time off this fall to be there instead. 

You’ve got more time this summer  to do those every other day visits, and still have part of the day left.  However, I agree with Ed.   Push it back a day.  If you need help to push it back - schedule something on that normal visit day so that you HAVE to push the visit back.  

M1

Glad to hear your update Josey, I've been wondering how you and your DH were---and thinking about you and all our teachers and students this week, it's unbearable.

I hope you have the best summer ever!  My goal is to be able to visit MC by the end of the summer.  It is very hard to be separated, you are absolutely right about that.

Joydean

Josey, glad to hear your update. I agree with all the others, just take some time for yourself. After the terrible time you have gone through you certainly deserve some personal time. The house work sadly will still be there. Don’t know about anyone else but I can get more done when I’m in the right mood or when I’m just so frustrated I don’t think I just clean. Some times I throw things away that later I wish I hadn’t! Take care of yourself for now.

jmlarue

No doubt, all of those normal activities and hobbies will eventually return. You're just not fully recovered from the chaos that was this past year. You're like the diver who went too deep, rose too fast, and needs a long stay in the decompression chamber to shake off the bends. I know that the frantic highs and desperate lows we endure as caregivers take a serious toll on both our bodies and our minds. You simply need time to heal. How about next to the "must dos" on your list, you start a new column with small "want to dos?" Pick one everyday - something to do just for you. Give yourself a facial or a pedicure. Tint your hair or get a haircut. Shop for fat quarters or watch a couple of quilt videos from Jordan Fabric or Missouri Star. Go get an ice cream cone or a cup of Starbuck's and just people watch. It doesn't need to be expensive or more than a one hour commitment to self-care. Buy yourself a beautiful new mug and plan a before-bed tea party with Sleepy-Time Tea. Take a bubble bath. You'll be surprised what this can do for body, mind and spirit. I've sacrificed all of those little things I used to do for myself on the altar of dementia, but I haven't forgotten them. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that someday (soon I hope) I'll be free to take care of myself again. I wish the same for you.

JoseyWales

Thanks so much everyone. I woke up today after a solid 8 hours of sleep with sunshine coming in through the windows. I got up, looked at the dog who refused to get up and go outside, made myself some tea and filled up the oriole and hummingbird feeders. I cleaned out one small cabinet and threw a lot of junk out, and now I'm sitting here listening and watching those birds (and some wrens - love those guys too) and feeling excited for a day that promises beautiful weather.

I will not go visit DH today. Instead, I'm going to plant flowers. 

Stuck in the middle

The thought of you planting those flowers brightens my day.  Thank you.