Who has recently placed or will place a loved one?

JoseyWales

I know there is a big list of us who have recently placed or are ready to place loved ones. Just thought I'd do a roll call. 

I placed DH on March 8.  

Beachfan

DH was placed on November 12.  He is well cared for, seemingly happy and content; I am happy and content.  It is not the golden years we planned, but life goes on for both of us.  My heart hurts for everyone dealing with this disease.

billS

January 25th, I just passed the four month point.

June45

I placed my husband in MC on January 14th of this year. He adjusted relatively well. (I was the one who had a problem adjusting.) But on Easter night he fell and broke his hip.  The surgery was successful but rehab was a dismal failure due to his excessive fear.  He is now bed bound in a LTC facility requiring much nursing care.

M1

Hospitalized March 21 and transferred to MC April 15.  It does seem like we've had a wave of recent placements.

Ed1937

Wife now in hospital. Expect to place her within the next week or so.

Vitruvius

I would again like to thank all of you who post about your dealings with placement, both easy and hard. These stories and updates are very valuable to those of us who are right behind you.

I have a lot of anxiety about placement for my DW. Every day I wonder how long it will be until placement becomes necessary for us.  As such I am particularly interested in the stage and state of awareness your LO was at placement. 

M1

Vitruvius I think you're exactly right.  I think a lot of our difficulties are that my partner is stage 5 and pretty aware still, aware enough to know she's not at home and would prefer to be home.  Personality being the other factor too--always a loner, always extremely independent, proudly wanting to go her own way and do things her way.  Always a disrupter (though always a leader too) in school, for example.  Makes it very hard to accommodate to a group setting.

Kenzie56

My DH is on a waitlist. I have first refusal, if I am not ready at the time a room is available. I am so conflicted. There are days I feel I just can't do this any longer and then there are good days and I think I could do this for a few more months.  I thought my line in the sand was if he started exit-seeking...when that started happening, I put locks on the doors and that has now moved my line in the sand to double incontinence. One day I read on this message board all the people who said they would never place their LO because they loved them too much. All the posts made me feel so guilty.  I do love my DH of 43 years, but he is 6'4 and over 200 lbs.  I am 5'2 and 110 lbs. It is so hard to dress him, bathe him, etc. There will come a time when I just cant do it - but it will not mean I love him any less. This is just such a hard decision knowing when, isn't it?

Gig Harbor

Kenzie I could have written exactly what you did except that my husband can still shower himself but it is a fight every time to get him to do it. I just want my chance at a retirement like he has had for 21 years. He enjoys living in our house but he is bored a lot of the time. He will have more activities and people to talk to plus I will still walk with him 3-4 times a week. It doesn’t mean I love him less but I feel that I am important too. I feel selfish for wanting to have time to do hobbies and trips and just come and go when I want. He did that for years while I worked and handled everything at home. I have to keep telling myself that it is OK to do this. He will move to memory care on the 15th.

60 falcon

Wife's at or near the end of stage 6. I tried to place her in MC about three months ago.  Incontinent, needs help with nearly everything though she can feed herself. She was denied MC because they said she needs too much one on one attention. That still irritates me. Then delusions, hallucinations and agitation got bad and we're working on adjusting her meds.  I turned down a place in a different MC a few days ago because I don't feel comfortable placing her while working her meds out, and because it was two hours away.  Really don't know what I'm going to do now.

loveskitties

Father was placed in MC March 17 after a 10 day hospitalization for heart issues.

Died April 14.

A. Marie

I placed my DH (now age 73, with severe AD) in an SNF on June 2 of last year, so he's been there almost a year now. Naturally, I've had some guilt, some second-guessing, and so on. But he has had a couple of crises during the year that were best handled in an SNF, so I'm glad I decided to "go low." (When he was given the NY State Personal Review Instrument in Feb. 2021, he scored just inside the lower limit for skilled nursing--and I was advised by at least one facility where I was considering placing him to skip right over AL/MC and go straight to SNF. I'm glad I did.)

I should add that we bought long-term care insurance through AARP/Genworth almost 15 years ago, and I couldn't even have considered doing this without the LTCI. And I know all too well that LTCI is no longer a practical option for most people. The entire US health care/elder care system sucks.

Jeff86

My DW is late stage 6 and after plateauing for an extended period of time her AD is progressing (will post separately about that), so I think we’re edging closer to a placement decision. I am resistant but the situation is fluid.

Lynne D

A Marie, I agree 100%. I would more actively entertain placing my HWD but that would mean losing all of the assets we worked a lifetime for, and my future financial security.

Memphisdee

My husband quit taking his Alz and depression meds. Took him to emergency room and he was in hospital for a day. Didn’t know what to do so I had him placed in a wonderful memory care facility 5 mins away. Sometimes I feel the meds are adjusted so I should bring him home. Professionals and counselor tell me no. Our psychologist daughter tells me no. I like my life as it is. I guess he’ll stay. Aquaintances make me feel guilty.  Working on my guilt. Went out to dinner with friends tonight. He figured bill and tip. I was surprised. He thinks he can’t leave his volunteer job at the facility. I had to ask time off for him. He likes working. It motivates him.

Paris20

My DH, who is at stage six, had a stroke on May2. He is paralyzed on his right side. After hospitalization and a brief stint in the hospital’s rehab unit, we placed him in an extended nursing care assisted living facility. It is extremely expensive but they are allegedly the best in the area. However, they are short-staffed and my husband needs more care than they are providing. 

They called me the first night because he was having a meltdown. What could I tell them? I called his doctor, who prescribed a slight increase in Seroquel. So far he is still losing his temper with anyone who tries to help him. He curses, yells, flails, and threatens. When I am with him I can sometimes calm him down but only until the next episode. I cannot and will not stay there all day into the night. I just cannot take that. So far they are still trying to figure out how to deal with my husband. I’m too exhausted to grieve anymore.

Ed1937

Kenzie56 wrote:

One day I read on this message board all the people who said they would never place their LO because they loved them too much. All the posts made me feel so guilty. 

There are those of us who stay till the end. There are others who see placement as a necessary thing for the sake of whoever is involved. 

My wife has been pretty hard to handle for our son who lives with us, and me. This is no way for my wife to live, no way for our son to live, and no way for me to live. It will be a different way of life for our son and me, and maybe she will thrive in MC, unlike living like she is now. She is currently in the hospital, and I expect her to transition to MC within the next week. NO GUILT, but I still love her after being married for going on 65 years. I am losing the love of my life, the mother of our children, and maybe most of all, my best friend. There is no way to turn the clock back on that. But I will still be her husband and her advocate. And I will continue to love her.

GothicGremlin

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, loveskitties.

I placed my sister in late October 2021. She had been teetering between late stage 5 and early stage 6.  Then over the summer she went over the cliff and by December she was mid-stage 6.  She's now at late stage 6. It happened scary fast.

She had plateaued for awhile, but over the course of this month, I've watched her steadily decline week by week. 

It took her awhile to adjust to memory care but she's been fine with it for awhile. Like M1's partner, when she first moved in she was fairly high functioning and didn't want to be there. I'm glad I placed her when I did because she has adjusted, and she's not that high functioning any more.

jaecamille

I just placed DH in respite care on May 16th of this year....the Dr wants me to place him somewhere permanent    for ongoing care.. I do not want to because of my finances...and yet caring for him at home is growing more difficult.. I feel very conflicted.....

fayth

My husband went into memory care/assisted living on March 2.   He has EOAD, diagnosed in 2017 when he was 62.  At the time of placement he was - and still is - in mid stage 7.   He has been getting hospice services since September of 2020 and has been totally bed bound since that time.   At the time he went into placement, he was no longer aware of where he was or who was caring for him.  It no longer had to be me.   That  made the decision much easier.  Nearly 2 years ago we were at a crisis point, but I made the decision to try and care for him at home, with the help of hospice, because our family was not ready.  And, with covid visiting restrictions then, we could not have seen him.  I'm glad I had him home as long as I did, but I'm ok that he is in placement now.  With the help of hospice, we were able to find a small memory care/assisted living facility that has worked out well.    Perfect?  No, but he is ok.  Our young adult 'kids' have been very helpful and supportive and have come home often during these last few years, but both of them live far away.  Our first grandchild was born in March and now I can go to visit them and help them during this newborn period.   Both of our 'kids' have been missing having me/us available and now I can try to be more involved in their lives.   Sometimes it feels like my husband will live forever.  This has gone on for so long....  But I know that his time is short and that the end could come at any time.

Thanks to you all for your sharing and support.

DJnAZ

My wife is currently in the hospital after a total melt down Saturday. Doctors are working to find a drug that will stabilize her anxiety, mood swings and anger. She is slightly over two years into this hellish journey and according to her geriatric neurologist she is ready to be placed. 

Placing her, however, is going to be challenging. Memory care facilities near us are are few and so short staffed they have 30-40% open beds. Even in metro Phoenix the situation is similar. Facilities can't find qualified workers. In-home care is the same. Nobody wants to do that type of work for $12 per hour. 

Placement is definitely on the horizon. When is the unknown.

David J

I placed my wife 9/15/21 for a respite stay while I had surgery. I had a feeling that it might become permanent, and during my recovery I realized we were both better off with her there. Like many here, I had slowly gone from being her partner to becoming her caregiver, cook, housekeeper, social secretary, activities director, etc. I was stressed, so she was stressed. I was not able to do everything needed to keep her safe, clean, and calm. At the MCF, she is safer, cleaner, fed better, and has a calmer environment. Adjustment has been hard, but I am getting used to being on my own.  She adjusted well to being there, and does not ask to come home. She has declined to where she can no longer manage her ADLs at all, and is double incontinent. She had started to wander before placement, and now walking is her main activity/obsession.  The facility is well set up for this, with inside corridors and outdoor sidewalks for walking, all within a secure perimeter with alarms. I can’t say enough about the loving care and attention that she receives from the staff, and I do not worry about her physical well being.  We are still working with her psychiatrist, not affiliated with the MCF.  This has been the hardest part of her care. During the covid shutdown in 2020, the psychiatrist converted his practice to tele health and no longer sees patients in person. So I speak with him on the phone, relaying what the staff has told me or what I have observed of her behaviors/symptoms.  He then adjusts her meds and faxes instructions to the MCF and Pharmacy.  It all has to be on the correct forms, with specific wording and it doesn’t always work well.  

I hope this has been helpful to those facing placement  

jmlarue

I'm in the very early stages of arranging placement for my DH with vascular dementia. He qualifies for a VA care facility (which are all considered SNF). VA will care for him with no cost to the family. The downside is the limited availability of facilities and beds. There are 4 in our state, none are close to where I live, the waiting lists are long. Even though he is nowhere near needing placement today, it's necessary that I get him on the waiting lists in the somewhat unlikely hope that a bed will be available if/when placement becomes a critical issue. I have even considered putting him on wait lists with a couple out-of-state facilities (in cities I know and wouldn't object to relocating to be near him). Haven't pulled the trigger on those, yet. The biggest stressor in all of this is the great unknown. With vascular dementia, my DH is really just one major stroke away from making care for him at home impossible. There's no good way to plan for that so I live with the feeling of standing on the edge of a crumbling precipice.

Quilting brings calm

Jmlarue 

Get him on the wait lists for any VA that is feasible.  Think more about distance than state lines. That way something may be available if you need it.  My wild  guess would be that once he is in at any location,  then a transfer to a preferred location might be easier to obtain.  

I wish my step-dad had served more than the bare minimum and that it had been in the right time periods. 

TheMonck

Placed DW 3 wks ago.Feel like a traitor.So hard to hear her want to go with me when i leave.Breaks my heart.

DJnAZ

My wife will be placed within a week. The hospital doctor, the hospital neurologist, her hospital case manager and her insurance case manager all agree. It is time.

She had a CT and MRI today. The physicians compared them to the same scans she had in March 2021 and her deterioration was, according to the medical professionals, "astounding". The hospital staff neurologist said he had seen only a few cases of dementia (brain deterioration) that had progressed so rapidly in a year.

If there is good news it is that she has been accepted into Arizona's long term care insurance. And even better, the hospital case manager has located a memory care facility less than 20 miles away that has, believe it or not, availability.

Personally, I am devastated. Although I knew this was inevitable, when I heard the reality today I was floored, Dumbfounded. Now that it is here I'm simply lost. 

It is going to take time for me to accept my new reality and understand how much my life has changed. My best friend is gone. This is a very sad time.

Chris2337

Mom hospitalized 2/28/21. Placed in MC on 3/6/21. Dementia and water on the brain. As the only child and POA the hardest decision I have ever made, but it was tearing apart my family and the numerous nurses just could not watch her 24/7 she needed. Is exactly where she needs to be. Safe and watched 24/7 and close to us.