New and looking for any initial tips and guidance.

BrendaStanley

My mother in law is in her 70s. Both of her parents had Alzheimer’s. We’ve always thought that it could be something she’d have to go through as well. In the recent years we’ve noticed some changes and in the last few months it has become more and more apparent that we need to help. 

At this time she can not get through a 15 minute conversation without asking the same questions over and over. For example: we are picking her up from her house tomorrow at 12 to spend the night. She then asks if she should bring a tent for our camping trip (never mentioned camping), when she should arrive (we are picking her up she is not driving), what time two days from now we are picking her up, etc. What date and month it is while looking at the calendar over and over, etc. We then have to call the day we are picking her up to remind her we have plans and that she is not driving or else she may show up on her own. 

She wants to buy a camper so she goes and puts a deposit down on her own without telling anyone, tells me her credit is great and she can’t wait to tow this thing around. Three days later she is on the phone with her financial advisor telling him her credit is shot, she can’t pay her bills and she doesn’t know what to do. The next day she tells me she isn’t buying the camper and she has little money. She has plenty of money and she forgets that we’ve talked about the camper multiple times. 

She calls me sometimes and believes her money is gone and it’s not at all. Good news is that we’ve established a relationship with the advisor from day one becasue we knew he’d need to potentially notify us of some things. 

Anyways, she was going to a doctor, having brain scans, etc. they said it’s a situation we need monitor and they also recommended she start b12 shots right away. She switched doctors without telling us. The past doctors said they’d love to help but they can’t force her to come back. So we start at square and it feels like she is boxing us out from assisting her.

She says she wants to be near family but her and her husband live 45-1hour away. His health is not good and he is worried about her big time.

We are not sure we are ready to intervene in such a big way because it will devastate her. Yet we need to do something. Our goal is to not take away her freedoms but also help her take away stress because she forgets things. We also want to make sure she can be around her grandchildren more because it makes her the happiest. Yet setting up any visits or anything is a big task which we are happy to take on but it adds stress on her as well. 

Anyways, I’m rambling. I am just looking for any tips anyone can toss out. We are in Southern California so I’d be happy to look into any resources anyone has 

Thank you so much for letting me share. 

Sunshine14

Hello Brenda, 

I'm also new. It's a difficult situation all around. Tbh I think you need to communicate with her husband. It honestly takes a village. My mother was diagnosed in January and it has been difficult for her to admit that she is forgetting things and needs help. 

I wish you the best of luck. We just have to keep trying to help and be patient.  Hopefully the new doctor will be just as helpful. 

May flowers

Brenda, welcome to the board but sorry for the reasons you are here! Do you or her husband have DPOA? If she trusts that advisor, maybe that is something you three can go in and do together. My FIL’s financial advisor is the one who convinced my FIL to give his son DPOA and it went well (he would not consider it when it was just my DH asking). If someone can take over bill paying (or set them up to autopay) and finances it might really relieve her stress. We did this with my FIL and each month, we took a list of bills that were paid each month and a financial statement to show him everything was good. He eventually let go of that and lost interest in the bills and such. It was much less stressful for him.

As for the distance, and taking stress of her husband, how do they feel about moving closer to you? Would they consider AL? Our facility had an independent living wing (pretty much fancy apartments with meals provided), AL wing and MC wing. We knew several folks who started together in IL and the spouse with dementia eventually moved to MC, but the spouse could still spend time and meals with them.

If AL is out of the question, would they consider a part time caregiver/housekeeper? 

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LicketyGlitz

Yeah, I second all the recommendations to start with the legal, who has durable power of attorney? If nobody, then who's getting it and fast? Doesn't mean you are going to "take over" anything, but the time will come where her husband, or someone in your family will need to, and if you don't have the legal straightened out its five times as hard as when you do.

Good luck, Brenda!

Ginger5533

Brenda I also just joined the group, but have been dealing with my DH for several years now. I have seen him go from a very smart detailed engineer to not understanding how to use the remote control. The questions over and over are normal, my husband will as me several times where we are going and I will just tell him over and over. Yes, it can get old, but he can't remember why we are in the car.

I believe it is time for you to step in and handle the important issues like bill paying, medical assistance, etc. My husband gave me POA and control over medical decisions and that makes things easier to handle on the business side. If your FIL is not ( or can't)  handle your MIL's condition you have to step into the situation. Get her money protected as soon as you possible can. Hopefully, someone on this forum can give you legal advise and directions. 

BrendaStanley

Thank you everyone for your kind words, wisdom, and support. I've been under the weather so I'm just now able to respond.

I promise I am a solution oriented person and not one to give excuses. With that being said it will sound like I'm saying but but but to everything suggested.

We have been in communication with her husband (late in life marriage, unique relationship). He is the one that suggested her doctor change and now realizes it wasn't a good idea. So we are all on the same page and encouraging her to go back to the doctor that was seeing her and evaluating her before. She has tried to cancel these appointments but then forgets to so fingers crossed she will be going in on Thursday.

My sister In law has DPOA but we are not at the point that we can get two sign offs from doctors. Her changing doctors a little over a month ago put a wrench in that system. She did this without warning, ugh. 

Her husband is staying in his home as it was his before this marriage and he is tied to it and wont leave. We have strongly encouraged her to move near us. We've look for homes, suggested a cute set up on our property, everything. She loves the idea then changes her mind and refuses to leave home. We are going to work with her husband to encourage this move. 

I was in the financial field until recently and we met with her advisor so we'd have a relationship with him in case he notices any issues. He called recently and was concerned about elder abuse from someone because she requested a large amount of money. So we can continue that relationship and work with him as much as possible.

Basically at this time we feel that any intervention is an unwelcome one that she will not not go along with no matter how cute and wonderful we make it sound. We've offered to help pay bills, drive her places, take her to grandkid events if she lives close by, etc. She isn't giving us much to work with. We were able to go to doctors appointments with her. some days she appreciated it and others she was frustrated with it.

Again, I appreciate all of the help and time. I figured our next moves may be ones that none of us wants to take but they are because we love her and want her to live a fantastic life with less stress. 

I don't blame her one bit for wanting to hold onto these freedoms and control.

Thank you again everyone. I will continue to read through the message board to learn more.

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Stuck in the middle

My wife is a lot like your MIL, except she is glad to have my assistance, which makes a world of difference.  I make doctor's appointments for her and tell her about them when it is time to get dressed to go.

Your MIL, as you describe her, has no business with a checkbook, credit card, or car.  I didn't have to use coercion to take those things from my mother or from my wife, so I have no personal experience to offer in that regard, but I do encourage you to do whatever you have to do to get control.  She will likely lose everything she has in the next year if you are unable to do it.

Good luck.

Jerome Likes Pie

Hi BrendaStanley,

"We are not sure we are ready to intervene in such a big way because it will devastate her. Yet we need to do something. Our goal is to not take away her freedoms but also help her take away stress because she forgets things. We also want to make sure she can be around her grandchildren more because it makes her the happiest. Yet setting up any visits or anything is a big task which we are happy to take on but it adds stress on her as well."

I agree with the others' comments.  Her condition will not improve and you need to have a detailed plan with proper contingencies on how to care for her well-being including her health and finances.  Get the DPOA's in place and executed ASAP.  Her ability to think critically is probably close to a 5th grader, and if I am wrong, it will likely be in the near future, so you should seriously consider taking away any freedoms that an adult would have.  If she is putting a down payment on a camper, I would consider her freedom revoked.  Expect her to be devasted, but frankly, I can think of a lot worse situations that could arise if she isn't kept in check.  She may eventually forget about losing her control especially if you emphasize that she will be spending more time with the kids, family, etc.  

When I took my LO's checkbook away, for example, she threatened to call the police and an attorney probably 50+ times, but she never followed through.  Of course I alerted the police, her attorney, the bank, etc.  She was devasted, but today's situation is much better than her bouncing checks, writing to every single charity that asks for donations, giving her checking account number to scammers, etc.  All of which I spent time cleaning up.

You may have to get creative and think of ways to execute your plan via fiblets, while always being respectful and positive towards her.  It sounds like it is time to take her decision making and execution out of the equation and to make those decisions (health, finances, etc.) for her.  Lastly, "tough love" is always best delivered with a smile!

Pie

Stori

She should not be driving. 

It will devastate a lot of people if she harms herself or someone else. 

I don't think you want that.

RunningWorried76

Hi Brenda. Lots of good tips above. One that has been mentioned and I would like to stress - find an Elder Care Law Attorney quick. I've been taking care of my mom full time for nearly 2 years now, and she started down the dementia road about 4 years ago. I only just last year finally consulted with an ECLA, and wish I had it done at the very beginning of this journey.