HWD refuses disposal incontinence briefs. Tips?

Lynne D

I had my HWD in washable incontinence briefs, but he is now incontinence of bowels also. He refuses to wear disposable briefs. 

I took away the washable underwear and he absolutely will not wear the disposables. I have tried gentle persuasion, explanation, empathy about “getting old,” …you get the picture.

We are currently at a stand-off and he is going commando. I am not engaging with him as he will rage if I press the issue. 

Any suggestions? 

jmlarue

My DH tried to dig in his heels on the disposable briefs until I pointed out the shame and embarrassment he would feel if he soiled himself in front of family, friends, or while out in public. It worked for me because my BIL routinely takes his brother out for coffee every Saturday morning at a local restaurant. I was able to make him understand just how mortifying it would be for him to have his youngest brother cleaning him up in a public restroom and then trying to drive him home in soiled pants. Of course, if you two are living in complete isolation - no visitors and no excursions outside the home - the idea of him being embarrassed probably won't work for you. I hope that's not the case. 

Rick4407

Lynne, I will offer suggestions that you may already have tried.  

Tie wearing them to a reward, "we can't go for a ride unless you have them on".  Just matter of fact, no persuasion.  

With my DW I tie something she is hesitant about to a memory she does not actually have.  "We talked about this last night."  "Yesterday you wore them and you said you liked them."

Lastly I frequently use an authority figure, "Dr K said these were the good ones that will help you."  

I do not get at all forceful, but the next time I use the same comment until my DW may have vague memories of the comment and start to accept it as fact.

Good luck, Rick

Jo C.

This really is a difficult dynamic.  Does he usually wear boxer type briefs or the regular tighter fitting briefs?  It may be a matter of comfort?  Many of the male incontinence products are shaped for the anatomy which may make them more tolerable; do the ones you have do that? Are you using the pull-up type briefs rather than the diaper type?

There are men's briefs that actually look like real briefs and are colored gray, white or black; I'm sure you have seen them.  Would he be more comfortable in something that "looked" real if he does not have those?

Some of the "real looking" briefs are not as absorbant in the back. Some people actually wear those briefs backwards as necessary.   I wonder if that would be uncomfortable and leave a propensity for leakage at the front.  Doesn't sound as doable to me, but I have no experience with that. One would have to use an extra pad at the front and that may perhaps add to comfort issues and expense.

Tranquility is a provider of incontinence products and will send out packages of two of an item if you wish to try until you find the best one.  Other companies will in all probabilty send out samples.

However; the biggest issue is the refusal of wear.  If they look more like normal briefs, then that may take less time for him to adapt.  If not, then one can get pads to put inside the back of the fabric incontinence briefs; however, that would not be the best solution for obvious reasons.

Best to remove all of his washable underwear and replace them with the best looking, most comfortable, pull-up men's disposables and not knuckle under. Perhaps if he is helping you , will he be more apt to cooperate if you have a good enough emotional story to communicate to him?

I agree that if he refuses to wear the disposable briefs, I would refuse to take him anywhere outside the house. Increased reason for covering furniture and bed.   Initially, I would not argue and would try to be my calmest and inform him that when he puts on the briefs in his drawer, then you will take him out to wherever . . . that may well of course cause a reaction, but the situation resolution must start somewhere. 

Would he be more likely to cooperate if you finally had to display an angry upset?  Would he cooperate if the doctor actually prescribed them and if you told him insurance paid for them?

I'm throwing everything at the wall as you can see . . .

Other than that, this is something that will take tincture of time and I am truly so very sorry because that leaves you with  messes to deal with.

Let us know how it goes; someone may come up with a perfect solution which will be a learning experience for the rest of us.

J.

Michael Ellenbogen

II would rather  die then be in that situation  unless it was temporarily.

Ed1937

What about "Let's both try them?" Would he be more accepting if you wore them too? Could be worth a try until he becomes comfortable with them.

Lynne D

Thanks, everyone except Michael Ellenbogen, for your helpful comments. After a standoff he put them on yesterday afternoon. We discussed how difficult it is getting old and I told him that I need to wear pads and have accidents too. I ordered some more “brief” looking product, but these do not seem to have adequate coverage in the back. We will see.

harshedbuzz

Lynne D-

That was an excellent strategy to compare this to your own experience with pads. 

My one aunt who was guardian to her sister sold her on them as a great new invention- disposable paper panties to save on laundry that she uses too.

IME, and this is super TMI, 

incontinence underwear tends to be designed to absorb urine and contain feces. The assumption is that feces are rather solid and aren't absorbed-- what is needed is containment and a barrier between them and clothing/furniture. If his bowels are looser, he could wear them backwards as Jo C. suggested or add an absorbent pad positioned to the back. 

NorthShore Booster Pad Diaper Inserts with Adhesive Strip | Incontinence Supplies (northshorecare.com)

ButterflyWings

Lynne - Win! 

I'm so glad that worked out. I did not know what to suggest. We were very, very lucky that my DH made the switch on his own a few weeks after I followed a tip here, to disappear his other undies and fill the drawers with Depends. Did that and lucked out. Totally. Eventually we had to upgrade from Depends brand though due to the elastic band irritating DH, and getting too wet, even with him still trying to use the toilet half the time. 

Also, midway a crazy UTI that brought major double incontinence for a short time last fall, I found another tip here. That led me to the doubling strategy we use now, with the 'diaper' tabbed brief next to his body, and a pull up over that. This makes it easier to change quickly and frequently while he's on the toilet, but without having to pull his legs in and out of wet or soiled briefs and pants. (With him resisting all the way!) I found that suggestion from Lorita on an older thread when searching what to do. 

We are back to only dealing with urinary incontinence now. I'm not sure what will change when he graduates to 6e and bowels go also. Hoping the new strategy works for you. Congrats. Commando is not good for clothes, bedding, furniture, or our state of mind overall.

Buggsroo

Lynne,

I can relate to this big time. My husband sometimes will wear the disposables; he will dig the feces out and put them in the sink. I tell him he can’t go outside unless he is wearing underwear and pants. It is difficult, he truly is at toddler stage and routinely says no to anything I suggest. I wait a few minutes and then bring it up again. He is ok about cloth underwear or disposables.

Michael Ellenbogen

MMine was not intended to be a helpful  comment but just the way I an many of my friends feel about that type of situation.  It's up to you to do what you want but I would think it would have been helpful to know what others with dementia  think. I guess I was wrong.

Jo C.

Michael, your Post was not a well thought out.  The lovely person who started this Thread loves her husband dearly; his disease requires a tremendous amount of care and he has developed a very troubling new care issue that is significant in the scope of things and the solutions are not easily coming about.  It is serious.

The Member was looking for suggestions that would help; we are all here in support of one another which is the primary purpose of AlzConnected. 

I wanted to explain this to you since you do not glean why your Post was not appropriate under the circumstances.

Saying you and others would rather be dead, was like telling the Member that her husband was not worthy and death would be better.  That was uncomfortable to read.

This may not have been your intention, Michael, but it is how it sounds.  Since the filters are no longer working well, if there is not a supportive input, perhaps it would be best not to place such thoughts on someone's Thread when they are looking for kind supportive assistance for their Loved One.

Hope you understand,

J.

Iris L.

Warning: this may be TMI.  I think men and women think differently about this , due to biology.  Many years ago, disposable paper underwear was sold which I eagerly wore during that time of the month.  They were thin, not meant to contain anything.  My point is, men don't think much about the need to cover their nether regions, whereas women do, and are most likely more accepting of changes.

Iris

Michael Ellenbogen

TThank you Jo c for your  reply.  I Will be the first to admit  my filters assure shot among many other things.  I would have though that it is important  for a person  with dementia  turns let caregivers on how others  feel,  not just the side of caregivers. If I am wrong then I am  sorry  because I think one much be educated on both xxxsides to truly understand  the person..  That is the only thing I hope to bring to this forum.  I know it is not easy to hear from people like me but I am trjjng to let folks see the other side.

Lynne D

…and today, no briefs. He is missing a Joe Jackson concert because he won’t wear them. I am standing firm and doing a lot of laundry.

When I suggest he put them on and tell him there is no other option he gets very angry and aggressive (shoved me today). I cannot be around him when he is like this. My distance and matter-of-fact actions may eventually make a difference. Or not. 

Ed1937

Sorry Lynne. I know it's hard.

dayn2nite2

Michael Ellenbogen wrote:

TThank you Jo c for your  reply.  I Will be the first to admit  my filters assure shot among many other things.  I would have though that it is important  for a person  with dementia  turns let caregivers on how others  feel,  not just the side of caregivers. If I am wrong then I am  sorry  because I think one much be educated on both xxxsides to truly understand  the person..  That is the only thing I hope to bring to this forum.  I know it is not easy to hear from people like me but I am trjjng to let folks see the other side.

When you are peeing yourself and crapping your pants and getting it everywhere there is no "other side."  

Your feelings don't come into play at the point where incontinence comes in.  It is a HUGE burden to the caregiver.

Lynne D

Jo C,

He is still commando. I tried the angry outburst. No success (yet) but it was entirely cathartic for me!

Jo C.

Lynne; I am so,so sorry that resolution has not been found; but despite the commando persistence, you did make me chuckle.  I can only imagine it did indeed feel good to let loose a little bit . . . 

J

ButterflyWings

(((Lynne))) - and thanks for the smile

Joydean

Lynne, so sorry things are not working. I too had to smile thinking of you raising your voice! I do hope he will come around and start wearing them. My dh wore them for 2 whole days and said I think I can make to the bathroom now. So far so good, except it’s 50/50  toilet/floor! Just pee!