Here we go again(5)

Quilting brings calm

I’m been trying not to post a topic this week because so many of our spouse members have had such terrible weeks.  My concerns seemed petty compared to that.  But my step-dad upped the ante a little bit ago and I’m too upset to eat supper. 

Thursday I took Mom to her neurology NP follow-up.  We  basically spent the time discussing her depression  and anxiety, which is caused in large part by my step-dad. The NP upped her mirtrazipine ( generic Remeron) dosage to 30mg per day, suggested her PCP discontinue the generic Xanax( her anti anxiety medication) as it’s not good for dementia patients.  I’m sure the assisted living staff isn’t going to like that last part and I don’t know about the PCP.  The facility wanted her anti anxiety medication to be increased.  She also started mom on donepezil ( generic Aricept) since the insurance quit paying  for the rivastegmine patch.  

The new/ revised medication hasn’t been delivered to the facility from the pharmacy yet. 

As some  of you know,  my step-dad has been a jerk and a $&@“ all along in life and in my moms dementia path.  He  has finally been to the neuropsychologist once and is scheduled to go back for further testing.  He  said he is not going back.  I only got him there the first time by fibbing about what the appointment was for, 

So today- Mom calls me, on speaker, with him yelling in the background. He wants to ‘get’ his pension and social security. Meaning he wants to move it from being deposited in their joint account to  the account that he moved money to when this dementia path all started.  The one no one has access to but him,   I didn’t answer that.  I told them again  that all of their income and savings were needed to pay the bills because their expenses were more than their total income- and that he would still be responsible for the rent ( in his name) and other expenses. Even if he moved out.  He told me that he wasn’t responsible  for mom- her husband of 58 years told me that even though he makes 75% of the income that he wasn’t responsible for her. He somehow thinks I’m financially responsible  for her.  Then he cussed me out, called me a liar - and I got angry.  I’m told him I didn’t care if he became homeless and I hung up. 

Mom  told me he threatened her. He said he didn’t,  then she revised that to he threatened to move out.  She didn’t want me to come out there as she thought he would just get madder. Probably  so as I can no longer deal with him without getting angry at him,  she called me 5 more  times in 7 minutes. Anxious and upset of course.  I told her to go to her bedroom, shut the door, watch tv  and not to talk to him AND not to keep mentioning the words social security and pension to him. I told her that if he did threaten to hit her to call the staff member.  

So I sit here waiting for a call from the staff, the director, a paramedic etc.  I can’t eat.  And my planned 4 day vacation ( already paid air fare and hotel of course) with my spouse and son beginning June 6 is probably a lost cause. 

My parent’s situation is why it’s not always a good idea to advise a spouse to move  money.  He’s not capable of  dealing with money which is why my sister and I had been added to their joint checking account a couple weeks before some friend of his helped him moved money, 

dayn2nite2

You can forget about the Aricept - it's not going to help.

As far as the stepfather, he's an agitator.  Is there ANY possibility you can get guardianship, get her divorced, get a nice settlement for her and kick him out so you don't have to keep fighting him for money?  Would the threat of losing much of his money in a divorce keep him in line at all?

I know your mother will say she doesn't want this but believe me, she will have peace if he is gone.

Quilting brings calm

Day2nite2-  I didn’t  think the rivastegmine helped either.  However, I haven’t gotten the NP to admit she has stage 4 dementia and not just MCI yet.  I take her back in two months to have the dosage upped from 5 to 10mg.  Hopefully they will do another MMSE or MOCA type test.  The previous one was a year ago. Mom was actually showtiming at this last appointment once the NP showed up( not so much  for the med tech that we saw first).   She didn’t even  act depressed or anxious for the NP. 

I have a POA on her, but not him.  The financial  thing about the divorce?   Neither of them would end up with enough income to go to any assisted living.  Their total monthly income is $4700.   They would end up with enough separate savings to help pay for AL for about 18 months  each as of now ( instead of about 3 years living  together) ALs here do not take Medicaid.  Neither of them is going to qualify for a nursing home in 18 months - they probably would for medical reasons in 3 years. Neither of them could live safely in anything less than an AL.  Neither of them has anyone willing to help them but me - unless my older son tried to help his ‘grandpa’ from 3 hours away.  I don’t want him to be involved like that.  He’s not going to understand   my turning my back on his  ‘grandpa’ of 41 years.  He doesn’t seem to understand the problems  his ‘grandpa’ causes. 

I cannot afford to pay for my mom to be in assisted living.  My spouse and I are retired,  we have enough savings to hopefully last our entire lives- but not to pay for them too.  I don’t  want to be and can’t be  the daily caregiver for either of them.  My spouse has health issues of his own and needs me around.    I cannot have either one of them to live with me.  If they had not been in an AL this winter when I had the two compressed fractures of the vertebrae, they  would have been screwed.  

At this point, it possible he could move out to a hotel for a few days, figure out he can’t manage on his own since  he’s functionally illiterate and then this will repeat as it has for 58 years. Or it’s possible that he will pretend today never happened until the next time.  I think he’s  still upset about the neuropsychologist  appointment and the preliminary testing.  

I was really hoping that the neuropsychologist was going to save the day with a diagnosis and medication to render him much easier to live with. I don’t want to try to get guardianship on him, but that would really work out the best.   Once he actually gets to the point that I could  get him declared incompetent,  I don’t think functionally illiterate is a criteria. 

Oh- by the way- the new director at the AL told me that she just’  loves them, they are  both so so sweet and my stepdad goes into the office and gives her a hug every morning’. 

May flowers

Quilting, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. What a nightmare he is and impossible situation. I feel so bad for you and your mom. Is there anyway to get him committed for a psych  evaluation, maybe get on some meds himself? He sounds volatile.

Quilting brings calm

Mayflowers. I don’t think so yet. I think he probably will need to misbehave in front of someone other than mom.  If had gone out there tonight, I might have been able to call 911 and say that I felt threatened - but I didn’t want to go there and make things worse.  I’m so tired of dealing with all of this that I just can’t deal with being in the same room as him. I just see red around him. 

I could  try calling the neuropsychologist Tuesday- but the paperwork the day of his testing made it plain that he was there for  testing and not treatment, so they probably wouldn’t do anything yet. I gave them a letter the day before the appointment detailing his past behavior ( the money and  behavior the day of the move in 2019) , the paranoia about the money now,  some other issues.  Dad was visibly and verbally angry  with me during the appointment.  The doctor didn’t seem to feel concerned enough to tell me not to drive him 50 minutes home. 

It took me a long time  to get his PCP to refer him to the neuropsychologist, and then months to get him there.  I believe the neuropsychologist intends  to put him on medication after the July testing ( the testing he says he won’t go back for), for at least depression.  

I just feel so ineffective, helpless, stressed, and joyless.  

Joydean

QBC, wow! I hope you don’t cancel your family vacation. You and your family deserve to still live your lives. I feel for your mom, but she has been married to him for 58 years. I don’t mean to sound disrespectful to your mom and he sounds like a real jerk! Do you think he would hurt her if you were not right there? Has he ever been violent to her? If he’s so concerned about making good impression on others at AL, would he mess that up?  You do need to get away and spend time with your husband and son and enjoy time with them together. Why disappoint them? Just throwing things out there. I feel for your mom. Seems like he likes to mess your life up!

Quilting brings calm

Joydean, 

I do not think he will hurt her while living in the AL.  He doesn’t want the staff and other residents to know what he is actually like.  He will snipe and argue with her in front of them though.  He was violent when he was drinking. Which he hasn’t done for over 25 years( maybe longer) .  He’s 82. He has a lot of physical issues now.   He was one of those parents  who believe in the belt as a first and only means of discipline and it was never 1 or 2 swats, and he didn’t aim well.  He denies all of that, except he admits he used to drink. 

You aren’t being disrespectful about my mom.  She had opportunities to leave over the  years and refused to do so.  She kicked him out once and took him back- over my sisters and  my objections.  He left multiple times and she took him back every time over our  objections. She  herself has told her friends that my sisters are estranged from her because she had always chosen him over us. 

I have calmed down about my vacation.  There is no reason to cancel  it - whatever drama is going on by then will not be made that much worse by  my being out of town for a few days.  If a ( divorce) lawyer becomes needed, one can be gotten when I get back.  These two don’t actually know I’m leaving town.  I’ve learned not to tell them because even more drama happens when  they know I have a trip planned.  It sure seems like they somehow know it though by things that happen when I have a trip planned 

May flowers

I’m glad you are still going on the trip. You’re right that nothing will get solved staying home - enjoy the vacation with your DH and son !

Pat6177

QBC, I’m so glad you decided not to cancel your vacation. It must be so hard not to get pulled into their drama. So exhausting. I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy.

On another point, I wanted to mention that the neuropsychologist that my DH went to is a Ph.D. And not an MD. So she is not able to prescribe medications. She did put in her report a suggestion that my DH would benefit from Aricept if that was medically ok. But it was up to us to go to PCP and get the prescription. Not all PCPs will order the meds and then you need to get to a neurologist. Whether a PCP or a neurologist, it adds time to the process. 

Quilting brings calm

Pat - it is exhausting.  I do think I am ‘getting pulled in’.  Thanks for reminding me that it’s their drama not mine.  

  Also  thank you for the info about the neuropsychologist and the medication. I will keep that in mind.

harshedbuzz

QBC-

I am sorry your stepdad continues to be such a challenge. It truly is a special form of suckitude to be burdened with the care and well-being of someone who was not there for you in ways he should have been. 

Like dn2n2, I wonder if your answer is guardianship much as this prospect is not your responsibility. I know two people who were forced to do this. My aunt obtained guardianship of her sister and a friend did of his dad. In both cases (and in three states), the process required the PWD to be evaluated. I know it's a gamble but having more control might make it easier. 

Can the neuropsychologist prescribe meds? This is only allowed in a handful of states and only by specially licensed individuals. If not, you may be looking at being turfed to a geriatric psychiatrist (which can take some time) before there is some relief on the horizon. And then you have to be certain he takes his meds as prescribed.

I wonder if recording some of this behavior would help your cause in getting him diagnosed and appropriately medicated more quickly.

I also wonder if divorce is an answer here despite the financial hit. When I took my mom to see the CELA we did discuss divorce. Their marriage had not been a series of extreme highs and lows (mostly brought on by dad's mental health issues, drinking and infidelity) and had been in a bad place since the onset of dad's dementia about which mother was in denial. In my state, we were told it was a 50/50 split and eminently doable. If you live in a state where Medicaid funds MC, you might have enough to set your mom up until she needs to convert to Medicaid. In my state, Medicaid only funds a SN bed, but even that might be a calmer environment for your mom than the nicer AL with the abusive husband.

Enjoy your vacation.

HB

Quilting brings calm

HB- I typed a reply, hit the wrong button and the forum ate the reply.  

She is only diagnosed with MCI.  Her NP in the memory clinic refuses to go beyond that. I asked again on Thursday. I told her that Mom seemed much more like stage 4 in daily life and she  just shrugged. I believe the NP feels the depression  and anxiety have more to do with things then the memory issues. She’s told me before  mom is capable of doing much more than she is doing.    I am  not going to be able to get guardianship on her- plus I already have a POA.  

He would fight any guardianship attempt on him.  A lawyer advised me not to try a couple years ago when he first refused to give me POA.  His behavior is not that much different than  it was years ago when I was growing up.  I just haven’t been around him as much  to witness it as often   for years until I moved them back here.  I don’t think anyone will give me a letter of incompetency on him either until the neuropsychologist finishes his evaluation.  If then, because I am sure he’s no further along than mom, just different.   Then there is the fact  I can’t control him and I don’t want to be legally responsible for anything he does.  

Both of them are able to do the ADLs,  Neither of them would qualify cognitively for an MC.  MCs and ALs here do not take Medicaid.  Skilled nursing is only for those with medical needs, not custodial ones. Crushed- I live in central Illinois.  Neither of them would qualify  for skilled nursing.  

I’m sure all of you think I’m not listening to you-  I am.  It’s the same advice I’d probably tell someone posting similar issues.  It’s just that I’ve thought about it and I just don’t see a divorce helping ME take care of them. It would  just make me their daily  caregiver due to their resulting financial situation.   I’d still be doing everything I’m doing now, they’d still be fighting and being around each other.   They’d probably move in together after the divorce.  That’s how screwed up they always have been.  While MY marriage would be destroyed 

Without all of you listening, consoling and yes, advising me, I don’t know what I’d do.  This forum helps me immensely.  

Nerdyblond

Your stepdad sounds like a horrible jerk...I dislike jerks. I am so sorry you have this on your plate...I really wish there was something I could do because I am afraid for your mom.

Nerdyblond

I am probably not much of a help but I have been in relationships like your mom, I have PTSD from that. 

Best I can offer is that this situation is temporary. Your stepdad is volatile and might work himself up to a heart attack or a stroke that might incapacitate him and that would keep your mom safer. That sounds very mean, and I apologize to anyone who might be or was offended. But abusers do not change.

Just keep being there for your mom. I am still very sorry for this and I hope this ends quickly for you.

mommyandme (m&m)

This is an ignorant reply but I thought what if you could slip him a THC gummy or chocolate or cookie or drink and see if that calms him while you’re visiting. I’ve never done this to anyone myself and of course it could have serious consequences yet, he’s such a basstastard! 

Sorry… but wouldn’t that be a cool fix if it was ethical?! 

Nerdyblond

YES IT WOULD MOMMYANDME!!!

Joydean

TOTALLY AGREE with Mommyandme! Couldn’t happen to a”better person “!  I had to part time dad that loved using his belt also. Instead of holding the buckle end in his hand he held the folded end and hit with the buckle. He then loved pouring alcohol on the bloody skin. So I get why you don’t want anything to do with stepdad.

Quilting brings calm

I feel like a ping pong ball! 

First, I touched base with the facility director today and asked her to keep an eye on my mom and step-dad for me.  I didn’t give her details or past history.  I just told her my presence seemed to agitate my step-dad this weekend so I was laying low for now.  It wasn’t exactly my presence since I wasn’t there this weekend, but close enough, right?  She said mom was out and about and was fine.  She  hadn’t seen him, thought he might not be feeling well.  She also said the weekend  staff hadn’t mentioned any issues. I told her I would be out of town next week. 

The director’s mom is in a nursing home with dementia.  So I know she has done personal experience with it.  

Second, mom called me tonight, seemingly  doing fine. I hadn’t called her ( laying low) since the evening of the argument. She feels he is in a decent mood again.   So all is calm until the next time.   The main part of the discussion was actually about how she seems to use her muscle relaxer for her bad back as an anxiety pill.  No matter how many  times I tell her it’s not for that. She thinks it relaxes her, which it probably does because it makes her drowsy and loopy.   Thankfully, the facility manages her medications so they don’t let her overuse the muscle relaxer ( it’s upon request and is kept locked up in the nurse’s office). 

Joydean  - that belt buckle leaves a welt and hurts.  I didn’t have to deal with the alcohol afterwards.  I’m so sorry you had that happen to you.  It leaves an internal scar for life, doesn’t it?  

Mommyandme -  if I thought they could be trusted to only eat 1 gummy a day, I would get them  some.  However I can’t trust them to do that and I don’t think the facility wants to be in the edible THC business.