4 months in...

Rhonda C.

My mom has been diagnosed with mixed dementia, both Alzheimer's and Vascular. She has moved in with my husband and I permanently. We are having to sell her home this Summer. She expects us to get rid of alot of our belongings to accommodate hers. I am very patient and having a hard time with this. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

May flowers

Is she talking about just her room or your whole house? If it were me, I would probably accommodate her as far as her room, with all her own furniture and put mine in storage. And maybe a few pieces scattered around the house. Put yourself in her shoes, she is already giving up her home, how sad to give up her furniture as well. I’d make her room as close to home as possible including favorite sofa, etc., whatever will fit.

We also ended up with a spare bedroom full of his furniture that he wanted to keep and siblings wanted to take. Even though we didn’t have any room, we also kept all the china and keepsakes passed down from grandmothers and great grandmothers that no one claimed. I didn’t have the heart to sell it or take to goodwill. My plan is to give it to kids and grandkids for special occasions, like weddings. We did this with all the grandparent pocket knives - each grandchild got one for Christmas - and it was a big hit.

Nerdyblond

I know you want to accommodate her as much as possible but it's your house. There has to be boundaries. If you start over-accommodating her stuff by sacrificing your stuff, she will start expecting princess treatment. She gets an entire room, she gets some of her stuff in your house, but she can't take over

harshedbuzz

Rhonda-

I would go for a compromise. If your home is going to be her home as well, she is entitled to have some of her things in it. 

You are both giving up a lot in this arrangement. I personally feel she is entitled to a room that contains her stuff within reason. Spatial reasoning often tanks fairly early on and there can be a tendency to try to cram the contents of a 2500 sqft house into a 12 x 12' guest room. Personally, I feel she should have her bedroom set, a favorite chair in the living room or family room with a side table, her art on her bedroom walls. 

When my friend moved her mom in, she built an in-law suite that gave mom an ensuite bedroom and sitting room with mom's dining room furniture which gave her a place for doing her puzzles and storing her collectibles. This suite was off the living room which my friend also ceded to mom's furniture. This might not be possible for you, but it did work really well for the stuff except that mom was generally shadowing my friend where ever she was in the downstairs part of the house. 

When I moved my parents near me, we initially downsized them from two  2000+ sqft houses into a 1100 sqft senior apartment before moving them into a home that was just a bit bigger. There was so much stuff. My mom and I made the call about what to keep or jettison without dad's input at the one house and I was able to sell the second one turn-key after removing a few family pieces. I put a lot of the stuff into storage and when he'd carry on about me stealing his stuff I could show him pictures of his storage unit which seemed to calm him down. We did empty the unit after they moved to the house, but I never shared that. 

HB

​fesk

What stage is your mom in? Is she able to understand and participate in the process at all? 

When my mother moved, it was early enough that she could participate somewhat. For some of the process, we included her and she made some decisions on what to keep, what to give to family members, etc. For the larger part of the clean out, we just took care of it. It was a lot of work. 

As for what items were brought into my home when she moved, her room was furnished with her furniture and we bought some new items. I didn't replace major furnishings in the main living rooms, but I did mix in her smaller items (pictures, keepsakes, decorations, etc.) so it felt like it was her home too. Actually, one other room did have some of her furniture, and I moved some of mine to accommodate that.

This doesn't have to do with furnishings, but I also tried to establish routines right away to make the transition easier. I believe throughout this process, routine has helped a great deal.