THE BIG M WAS TOLD THE BAD NEWS!!!

Nerdyblond

So...I told mom we needed to put her in assisted living. I said that she was getting worse and she needed more monitoring and I was not able to do that.

There was a silence and she said she's not going. She'll run away. I told her if she did that how would she find her way back to the house? 

She said, "Well, now I have to find a way to kill myself."

I kinds ignored that and tried to explain to her what was wrong with her, and that I am not a caregiver. I said I looked at some places and they were not bad at all. She said yes they are. 

I said they were not and told her what they had. I think at that point she started ignoring me. 

Then she said, "I hate you right now, go away. leave me alone."

I drove to a nearby park and tried to call my POA sis. Couldn't get a hold of her. Then I texted her and told her what happened. I called my Florida sis and we talked for a bit. She prayed for the situation and me. Florida sis said she would call mom.

My POA sis finally called me back. She said she tried to talk to mom and mom was rude to her, asking why no one told her sooner. POA sis tried to explain to her but mom hung up on her. So Florida sis talked to mom and mom was rude to her too but Florida sis managed to at least get her talking.

I live in Tucson. It is stupid hot here. I was not sure how long to stay away, and after sitting in my truck at the park, I was melting and I decided to go back. I was worried that mom would actually try to kill herself.

 I was struggling with this. I knew that this reaction was going to happen and I was prepared but I wasn't sure whether I should get a caregiver to stay with mom and leave for the night. I couldn't leave her alone. So I went back and stayed in my room. 

I was slowly getting very angry. I'm volatile. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. I can manage it but some days are harder. I sat on my bed and sketched an awesome picture of Pennywise the clown from the newer version of IT.

 I mean, I know mom and I are not close and we never had a tight relationship, and I should not have taken this personally, but she said she hated me. 

Growing up, she pretty much ignored me. I was provided for, but not emotionally. She was very detached to me. She did not tell me she loved me until I was 23. When I was 14, we were staying with my horrible oldest sister and there was a lot going on. She was mad at everyone for causing all this drama. I got snarky with her as most 14 year old kids do with their parents, and she called me a bitch. Basically mom was passive/aggressive...I got the aggressive.

So I'm sitting in my room, sketching my awesome Pennywise picture, texting my POA sis and my Florida sis. POA sis said she would try talking to mom again.

 By then mom was crying. POA sis was able to calm her down and explain to her that this was about her safety. She can't see that well, she can't hear, she was getting worse, she is always in pain, her blood pressure was difficult to manage which could lead to a stroke, she is a fall risk and she needed to be somewhere that could provide 24 hr monitoring.

Mom came in to my room crying and apologized. She said she was angry and she did not mean to say that. I reiterated what I tried to tell her earlier. I also said that we had time. Because I was not going to just dump her anywhere. She would get to choose a place. 

So we're okay now but going forward, Things are about to get very emotional for her...probably for me too. So anyone that prays, I could use it.

M1

NB, it is probably a fundamental mistake to try to reason with your mother.  Her "reasoner" is broken.  She won't remember the conversation.  Probably best for you and your siblings to move forward and make plans without involving her.  I have seen that some families take their LO to visit prospective places; many do not.  Depends on her stage of dementia, but since you met that kind of resistance, to me it would make sense for your POA sibling to just make the arrangements and move forward.  The one with the POA is the one who can do this.

Quilting brings calm

This is a typical reaction.  Especially for those who cannot recognize their own limitations.  A medical crisis is what allowed me to get my parents  into an assisted living facility, because they had no place  to live when we moved them back to our state.    

If you talk to her about it again, don’t tell her the reasons she can’t live alone.  Instead talk up all the good things about assisted living:  meals, housekeeping, laundry, hairdresser, activities ( especially outings), people her age to socialize with.   

I’m so sorry that she’s a difficult person.  As you know, you are not alone here. 

Nerdyblond

I think she's trying to accept it. She's been okay since she apologized. Thank you M1 and Quiltingbringscalm. You're both right. She probably won't address it until the time is closer. I'm just leaving her alone unless it's food time or BP check time.

She slept late this morning. She's depressed. Ima try to take her out today cuz she needs shorts...if she wants to go anyways. Day by day, right? 

The thing is: POA sis lives in Washington state. So this is on me. I have four other siblings who can't or won't help. 

LicketyGlitz

Oh, Nerdy, sorry you guys find yourselves in this sitch. But, um, super impressed that your coping mechanism was to draw Pennywise! That's the first time I've ever heard someone use their creativity in that manner to calm down.

M1 and Quilting got better advice than me, so I'll just share a post with you when me and Mom where in a very similar situation that might make you smile, or at least know you're not alone in the BIG M arena of hatefulness.

Good luck to you, your mom, and your sisters as you continue to navigate this butthead called Dementia!

"I hate you everyday." https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/dementia_hate

Iris L.

Don't tell her she's getting worse.  To her, she is fine!  Read about anosognosia and learn work-arounds.

Iris

Fairyland

NB I placed my mom about 6 weeks ago.  She is way nicer than your mom to me but it was still the biggest battle of my life. She got very stroppy and upset several times, the last time was because the weather was hot so she left messages for me at 3 am which I missed (I live abroad) instead of asking for help with her aircon of the staff who see her at least 3 times a day for meals. Then pressed her alert button (breakthrough!) because she felt sick. Guess why she felt sick? Overheated! Then she complained bitterly for over an hour to my sick aunt, and blamed dad (aunt’s beloved brother) for dying in 2016 and leaving her all alone.

My top tips:  don’t discuss it any more with her.

Tour facilities withOUT her (highly recommended) and afterwards only show her your one or two, at most, top choices. Don’t discuss the other places with her, and ask the person showing you around to act like they just met you too (they are REALLY good at that- wonder why? Lol)

If things get really sticky, put her in for a respite (temporary but not really) stay and while she is in there arrange for the permanent room to have her furniture etc moved in. Tell her drs orders, while she gets better, or the house has termites which must be fixed, or something like that. Then say it’s taking longer than expected if she asks why she is still there.

I managed to avoid the respite but then the moving day was a nightmare and mom was very difficult, so maybe should have done the respite thing.

Nerdyblond

Thank you everyone for your responses...I am definitely following your suggestions! I'm probably going to draw Jason from Friday the 13th next. Heh Heh. 

Mom's been very depressed and kinda avoiding me unless she needs to talk to me about something. I'm okay with that. Is that calloused? Yes! I've told people I could totally walk away from this and not feel bad. Is that mean? Totally! But the family dynamics I had to live with for the past two years with mom and horrible sis were hell.

Today was all excitement, sort of. I did my weekly home visit. I had scheduled a tour of a facility at 1:00. Horrible sis texted me and said she was going to take mom to see Top Gun and take her to lunch. She said, "Thought you should know." I said, "Thanks for actually telling me."...That was the nicest I could be at the time.

So I had a window to get a real estate agent to look at mom's house and to check another facility. I was supposed to look at two but one had to cancel. We are moving along here. 

Thank you everyone again!