Why do they think we cheat on them?

Ed1937

My wife went into the hospital on Thursday, and she told everyone that I had a girlfriend. This is the fifth day in a row she's talking about it. She told me today that through all the years we've been together, she never questioned me, but now she can't trust me. But she did tell me she loved me. I'll take it! But I'd like to know why this is so common. Any ideas?

joytoy

I would like to hear an answer to that.  Everytime I go anywhere without him he accuses me sometimes for days that ive been with someone else.  Hard to ignore the nasty things that comes out of his mouth.  I usually end up blowing my top.  Know it doesnt help but I can only take it so long.  I will be waiting for a good answer someone might be able to tell us.

Lane Simonian

I will be waiting for a good answer, but until one comes here is one guess.  Many of the delusions in Alzheimer's disease are based on fear, vulnerability, insecurity, and a type of violation in trust: a cheating spouse/partner, someone is stealing, abandonment. I wonder if it goes to something deep within almost all of us that is brought to the surface.

M1

I agree with Lane Ed, I think it comes mostly from fear of abandonment.  Since they think nothing is wrong, they cannot imagine another reason why we would leave them/put them in a strange place.  For some, there also seems to be an extreme sexual overtone, but in others--i think in your case and in mine--it has to do with abandonment.

May flowers

Good question. And raises another I see a lot with children taking care of a PWD, why do they think their LOs will steal from them?

Stuck in the middle

I think humans are genetically wired to fear abandonment.  Expulsion from the tribe is a death sentence in a hunter/gatherer culture, and we were all hunter/gatherers until about 10,000 years ago.  When you have a nightmare, the thing that chases you is the thing you fear most.

Cheating isn't an unrealistic fear.  You and I don't cheat, and there's some guy in Wichita, but a lot of cheating does go on.  Especially if you have kicked your LO out of the house, which is what placement must feel like to the person placed, why would they not suspect the worst?

Fear that the kids are stealing isn't entirely unrealistic either.  Kids, SOs, etc. do steal from PWDs.  Even when we don't steal from them, it must feel like we do.  We take their cars, guns, credit cards, checkbooks, medicines, houses . . .

Dementia sucks for caregivers.  It is no weekend in Downton Abbey for the persons cared for either.

Dio

I agree with Lane! All the underlying fears, insecurities and distrust surfacing in full force. My DH still thinks he'll be homeless.

Jo C.

The fear of abandonment is a common feeling that many persons with dementia develop; the most common "reason" the damaged brain comes up with regarding this fear which our LO cannot identify or process, is that the spouse is having an affair and is going to leave them. That must feel terrible for the person believing the delusion which to them is as real as the chair you are sitting on; but it can also be a very troubling negative for the well spouse.

One cannot change their LOs thoughts about such a delusional belief which is their reality, but one can address the causative emotion behind the words, (we do this so often, don't we), and in the moment tell the LO that you love them, and it is you and her as a team and you will never leave and will always be there for her/him, and then . . . . rather than have the dialogue continue, try to refocus the LO onto something else with a quick change of topics, "Hey; by the way, did you hear . . . "  Sometimes, with a troubling emotional delusion, I had to leave the room to "use the bathroom" and re-enter ten minutes or so later,, talking brightly about something else altogether later to ensure that there was a time lapse and an opportunity to change the dynamics.  

Since your wife was an RN, somewhere in her brain may be the idea of her being in the hospital, and things not being right, and maybe even a teensy unidentified figment related to patients she cared for being placed in care and whatever remnants of that which may be left are coming out in this false spousal cheating abandonment belief rather than being able to state fear of being placed into care and being "alone."  Just a guess.

What an awful  delusion for a LO.  You are a very kind and caring husband, I am sorry this is happening; you are using the correct approach for something that will repeat itself for awhile and cannot be changed until the brain lets go of it.

J.

Iris L.

Things go missing, thus, someone must have stolen them!  I had the same types of thoughts.

Iris

Pam BH

Ed, I agree with Jo C and Lane. It's useless to apply logic to their thinking, but the underlying emotion of fear of being all alone is what I came up with for my DH. He has anosognosia but knows something isn't right and is dependent on me.  That goes immediately to I'll leave him and he'll be alone. Once I accepted that cause, it became easier for me to deal with in the way Jo C said, having a positive reply to allay his fears which of course he didn't accept but I kept repeating it until he didn't respond at all, but especially not negatively.  It's hard. That so far has been the hardest year of this journey. Praying for you and your DW.

ButterflyWings

We had a few of these episodes but were able to get past it with various versions of what is recommended above. The brief assurances plus my undisguised indignation and refusal to engage further, worked. 

However, DH is time traveling frequently, and recently has referred to me as the wife married in his teens, who is known to have cheated on him. Lots. Heartbreaking (poor guy). I always thought it amazing (and was grateful), that he had healed completely from that and did not carry it into his future beliefs about women, trust, etc. That was decades before we met of course, and thankfully never was an issue in our relationship. But with dementia, when he literally thinks I’m someone else... (including the cheating first wife!) I just hope that history never comes back to haunt us.