Trying to date

GolfnutCA

My wife of 29 years is in the middle stages of Alzheimer's.  She's 55.  She was diagnosed with MCI around 10 years ago.  I've been the sole caregiver and recently placed her in MC.  

I want to go on with my life.  I feel like my marriage ended around 4 years ago, and I really have no love for her anymore.  I actually met a fabulous woman and we really hit it off, like I've never experienced.  I was up front with her about my situation and things got off to a great start, but she got cold feet and said she couldn't date someone who was still married.  Despite all my explaining, it was too much for her.

I felt like I just got a punch to the gut.  Here I am, after 10 years of caregiving, and I finally feel some joy and excitement, and it gets pulled out from under me.  I'm worried this situation will happen over and over.  Has anyone been through this, or do you have any advice?

Thanks.

Jo C.

You met a woman with her own personal feelings of integrity; or, after having made more connections with you, she realized it was not as good a fit  for her as she originally thought, and that was the reason she gave to let you down a bit more easily.

You have given yourself permission to step out in a new dynamic; just try not to be too fast so you make a good connection that will continue. Sometimes, reading other Posts, folks who have used the online dating sites in such a situation have had a bit more trouble when things came together in reality.

Perhaps taking it a bit more slowly.  Join some groups where both genders are present; Pickle ball, hiking, books, church, gourmet groups, volunteering, groups of any interest at all.  NOTE:  If you go online, there are "Meetup" groups in nearly every city. These are groups of people who meet for a specific type of activity that interests them; some meet for breakfasts or dinners, etc.  One gets to know people as well as getting increased socialization after being out of the loop for so long. There are no fees for joining a Meetup group.

Anyway, not all connections are going to work; some will and perhaps one will be just the best fit ever.  I am sorry for the unfortunate outcome, but it is TWO people and a two way street and it cannot be forced.  Slow and steady often gets the prize and it usually takes time to develop an actual relationship.

J.

Rick4407

Hello Golfnut.  

Jo gave some good advice above. 

At a Alzheimers fund raiser I met a couple who were dementia widow/widower.  They had met at some function and both understood where the other was.  It made their connection very easy.  Good luck, Rick

Crushed

GolfnutCA wrote:

  I actually met a fabulous woman and we really hit it off, like I've never experienced.  I was up front with her about my situation and things got off to a great start, but she got cold feet and said she couldn't date someone who was still married.  Despite all my explaining, it was too much for her.

Yes it will happen over and over again My wife has been in a Memory care facility for almost 5 years. She has  had no idea who I was for almost 4 . She has no meaningful cognitive functioning.  Not only will the majority of women not go near the situation the majority of those who say they can deal with it back out normally after blow back from families.

That Is the reality of this disease  it is the Coup des deux veuve  In dueling the strike that makes two widows

 to many people you are a pariah

it is a painful reward your years of affectionate self sacrificing caring imposed by people who have never had to walk a mile in your moccasins .  Don't bother explaining or feeling bad  they have a condition more incurable than Alzheimer's

On the good side,  the predatory gold diggers  drop you like a hot rock too. 

  

dayn2nite2

People are allowed to change their minds.  It's not a negative that she decided not to continue.  And yes, it may happen again.  You move on if it does.

Quilting brings calm

It’s possible that she began to feel more for you than she felt was appropriate. In other words she felt it was ok to date you casually, but not as a serious boyfriend.  Maybe she wanted an actual married future with you. Or maybe she felt you were more in love with your wife then you think you are. Or maybe she did not  feel for you what you seem to feel for her. 

My suggestion would be to just focus on getting out and socializing with people while doing other activities.  Find a hobby or a cause that involves other people.  Don’t focus on finding someone to date.   Things may happen naturally at a level that both you and a potential partner are comfortable with.  Then don’t try to make it more than what she seems to want. 

Jeff86

Tough situation.   I think you’re looking for a needle in a haystack—it’ll be a really exceptional person who can be comfortable with your situation.

We talk a lot about ambiguous loss with AD, but it’s also the case that for caregivers who have placed their spouses/partners, you are dealing with ambiguous status.  You’re still married, even as you are somewhat free and available.   That’s a complexity that not so many people would sign up for.

Sorry to say, I think you may need to take things more slowly, and manage your expectations.  

Rescue mom

I know several people (men and women) who had a “special companion” and relationships while their spouses had late-stage dementia. The PWD was cared for and had no awareness of what was going on regardless. Everybody else was glad the spouse found some shred of normal life. 

But also, the companion knew both spouses on some level before dementia, and knew what was going on from the start. They knew the normal spouses had other obligations and responsibilities, and in some cases, limitations. (The spouse was unwilling to take long trips away, for example.) I would think the companion knows full emotional support and involvement is limited.

 It’s not a usual kind of relationship, and not everybody will be OK in that role. You are in an exceptional situation, and it may well be harder to find someone who can handle everything involved. It can take a while to develop a relationship with somebody under normal circumstances. Quilting and others had some good advice.

I understand why a spouse may want to do this, but I can also see why it would be hard to find somebody.

Joe C.

Golfnut, I am in the same situation. First, I tried dating a longtime friend and it didn’t work as a romantic relationship. The experience actually strengthened our platonic friendship though and it has at least provided a female companion for me to do things with. I am now trying online dating but not having much success there either. I do take every opportunity that comes along where I may meet someone new in a social situation. I have myself resigned to the realization that meeting that special someone is not going to be easy but I not going to stop trying. Actually I don’t think it is easy for anyone our age to meet a new romantic interest even under the best of situations. Hang in there & Good luck.

GolfnutCA

Thank you everyone.

Gig Harbor

OK I haven’t dated in 52 years but here is a woman’s perspective. Do every thing you can to appear self confident and happy with your life as it is. Give the impression that meeting a wonderful woman would be a gift.” 

Never give the appearance of being needy. Give off the aura that you can handle everything around the house and enjoy doing it. That will go a long way to making you irresistible. Many women in your age group had husbands that needed a lot of catering to (me) and they want nothing to do with that again. I hope this does not come across as offensive but the women in my support group feel this way.