How do I get my husband out of garage!?
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Oh my, FaithHopeLove!
That is a tall order if the Big Guy upstairs told you to sit this one out, how do we top that? The things our PWD LOs come up with, right?! Yikes. I don’t have any ideas right now except that your next task is to lock that door so only you can access the garage from now on. It is easier to distract and redirect my DH when he is not already in the space or activity I want to avoid.
Also future troubleshooting, some security systems have a lockout option or “off” button so the garage door won’t open even with the remote. I’d hide the remotes and all car keys. He sure sounds determined. Sorry you are going through this My DH tried to leave in the middle of the night many times. I hope this doesn’t become a fixation for your DH.
* Adding a thought: My DH loves to eat, so maybe tell him “ok but let’s eat lunch first” and lure him with special treats (?) This would be a melatonin & juice moment for us, if nothing else works. Quick acting and slows my DH down when he’s really about to elope.
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Thanks Butterfly Wings. It's almost lunchtime here. If I can lure him in with lunch, maybe I can slip him a melatonin or a mild sleeping pill. That ought to take the starch out of him! I feel so guilty taking the keys away, but I would feel even worse if he got into an accident or something. He just has a one track mind with this thing!
A neurologist diagnosed him with dementia a year ago and his PCP attributed the cause of the dementia to lead poisoning. The effort has been focused on removing the lead from his body. Fortunately, I have an appointment with the neurologist on Friday so that we can focus more on behavior. This is driving me crazy!! I feel guilty about this whole episode, I'm a nervous wreck with him out in the garage and just wish things were normal.
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Lunch/hunger, and distraction..can you tell him that the Big Guy upstairs talked to you later, and told you to handle things for him?
And just for the future, could you talk to the store yourself and ask them to not accept the returns, to not give him money back? That may chill his enthusiasm. They may just want him gone quick and quietly (I’m amazed they give money back) but maybe worth a try?
As others said, I had to take steps to make sure my DH could not get in, nor lock me out, of garage, storage room, bathrooms, etc.
If he is driving with a dementia diagnosis, your insurance is likely not covering any accidents. Besides the personal guilt, you both could be sued and lose everything. Is he able to realize that? (Some retain better grasp of money losses than other things).
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I think you're right Rescue Mom. I'll try calling the store and see if they'll refuse the returns. That definitely might slow him down. Wish I'd have thought of that one.
He's definitely NOT driving. That's his big problem. I think he's looking to get out on his own. I think some of it is feeling the effects of being cooped up so long because of Covid. He refuses to be vaccinated so I don't take him out a whole lot. He wants to go to Home Depot to make some returns of junk. I won't give him the keys. I told him I would drive him, but he isn't buying it. I also told him that God wanted me to drive him. But, he said he hears God more than I do and I'm wrong. So, it's been 3 hours and he's still in the garage looking for keys. I guess he's forgotten that I told him I have them and he can't have them.
I tried luring him in with lunch and that didn't work. So, I don't know what else to do. I guess he just stays in the garage.
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At this point, I think I’d let him sit. He’s not hurting himself, and not able to get car going, right? Pretty soon, I’d think, he will forget why he’s there, or get hungry or uncomfortable. You deserve a medal for keeping keys away.0
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Right Rescue Mom. He can't get the car going. I have the keys well hidden and he has no other way to start it. He's just walking around the garage gathering more stuff to take back to Home Depot. He has quite a huge pile stacked up.
In the meantime, I took your advice and called the grocery store. I spoke with the customer service manager. They were well aware of DH and said he's always very polite and nice to them. But, they have seen the increase in his returns. The customer service manager thanked me for calling and wasn't sure what they could do to stop it, so he was going to talk to the store manager and see if they could come up with something.
On another note, the customer service manager asked me to identify my husband and then asked if we were driving a white mini cooper this morning. I told him we were and he said he was out in the parking lot when we drove by. He was looking for a man who had come into the store and threatened to kill everyone. Are you believing that?!?!?!
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That's alarming news and now you have another issue to deal with - not taking him to any store where he's attempting to return items. If law enforcement is called because of threatening behavior, the situation can escalate very quickly. Even if you're able to inform a police officer that he has dementia and no control over his behavior, the best case scenario is that Medics will be called and he might be committed to a hospital psych unit for 72 hours. You'll have no control over that. Worst case scenario is that any resistance or threats toward police will result in his being restrained and possibly injured in the scuffle. Medics won't intervene unless he presents no danger to them.
Beyond hiding the keys, is it possible for you to hide the car? Could you park it on the street or at a neighbor's house out of your DH's sight? You could employ the fiblet that it wouldn't start and has been taken to the mechanic for repair. I know it's inconvenient as heck for you, but maybe you'll only need to disappear the car for short time to get him off this current delusion. Personally, I'd be willing to call for Uber transportation to keep upcoming appointments and necessary trips you need to make until this settles down. Nothing good will come of this continued behavior.
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Thanks for the advice jmlarue. We live out in the country so it's hard to hide a car. Lots of open spaces. I don't know our neighbors well enough to get them involved. Also, we've lost all of our friends so I can't even ask one of them to help.
The best I can do is to keep the keys hidden. It's been 5 hours and he's still ranting and raging about wanting the keys. He's moved from the garage to into the house and is screaming at me. I've stopped answering him hoping that would calm him down. But that doesn't seem to help either.
I tried to get him to eat lunch, thinking I could slip him a melatonin or a mild sleeping pill but he won't eat or drink anything.
I don't understand how things could go from normal to insane so quickly!
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Please have an escape plan and don't hesitate to grab keys and phone and leave if you feel this is escalating to physical violence. Once you are a safe distance, call for 911 assistance. Perhaps an evaluation in a hospital psych unit is, indeed, warranted. Err on the side of protecting yourself from harm. Just because your DH has not physically assaulted you in the past, is no guarantee that he won't now that his brain is broken. He no longer has the ability to reason or have any control over his behavior.0
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Faith hope love if this is a sudden thing, is it a possible UTI issue? I am hoping your dh will get hungry so you can help. Praying for you.
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Thanks jmlarue. I never thought of that. Of course, I never thought any of this would be happening too. I've got my phone and the keys hidden, but I should be able to get to them easily if I need to. Please keep us in your prayers!!0
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Hi toolbeltexpert. I guess it could be, but he hasn't complained of any problems.0
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FHL you're probably right. I gave my dw blank keys. If she ever asks I have my fib already. The ignition won't turn if the battery is dead or there is a computer problem0
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Dear Faith... the silent UTIs have no other detectable symptoms that he would complain of
The sudden onset is a clue. I keep the keys and phone plus my ID on my person. At all times. You need a phone charger too. Are there weapons in the house? Please be safe. This sounds seriously dangerous for you right now.
If you could videotape even some of his behavior (or even the audio) it may help the Dr understand the urgency. Don’t hesitate to leave or call 911. Keep your distance in the meantime— out of arm’s length.
Let us know how you’re doing please.
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toolbeltexpert that's a good idea. This car doesn't have an actual key, so I don't know how something like that would work. But that's a genius idea. Maybe I can tell him the car isn't working.0
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That might work if he's not the I can fix it guy. I understand the hiding the car problem you have, that has been such a life saver for so many on here.0
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Hi Butterflywings. I'm afraid to keep keys, etc. on me. He may try to get them from me. I've got them hidden with my phone. I'll stick my ID and phone charger with them. There are weapons in the house, but I don't think he'd use them. I'm definitely keeping my distance. I don't understand why he hasn't calmed down already. It's been 7 hours already. He hasn't had anything to eat or drink since breakfast. How can he keep going?!?!
And as for how I'm doing? I'm scared, I'm worried, stressed and almost ready to just give him the keys. He's wearing me down. But if I do that, I know I've opened the door to him taking off when ever he wants. So, I know I can't do that. I don't know how any of you handle this. I'm at my wits end.
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Faith,Hope,Love wrote:
Right Rescue Mom. He can't get the car going. I have the keys well hidden and he has no other way to start it. He's just walking around the garage gathering more stuff to take back to Home Depot. He has quite a huge pile stacked up.
In the meantime, I took your advice and called the grocery store. I spoke with the customer service manager. They were well aware of DH and said he's always very polite and nice to them. But, they have seen the increase in his returns. The customer service manager thanked me for calling and wasn't sure what they could do to stop it, so he was going to talk to the store manager and see if they could come up with something.
On another note, the customer service manager asked me to identify my husband and then asked if we were driving a white mini cooper this morning. I told him we were and he said he was out in the parking lot when we drove by. He was looking for a man who had come into the store and threatened to kill everyone. Are you believing that?!?!?!
I was going to chime in earlier but decided not to, but now that things seem to be escalated with him, he is having delusions. The God talking to him and telling him things, the returns of old and used things to "make money", and now the threat (and frankly, if I had to pick the most likely person to threaten people at the grocery store, it's always going to be the person with dementia).
He's not going to be able to go anywhere by himself now. This can turn into a legal issue really quickly, and his dementia will not get him out of consequences. Especially with the mass shootings happening, ALL threats are taken very seriously and no forgiveness is offered due to medical issues.
He needs an emergency appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist and if he becomes aggressive about going to the store, you will probably have to call 911 and hopefully get him hospitalized for stabilization.0 -
dayn2nite2 I might have written this poorly. The reason the customer service manager was outside was because someone else (not DH) had been threatening people in the grocery store.
I'm so sorry for the confusion. I apologize for giving the wrong impression. Please forgive me.
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I'm not good at lying. But I just gave him a mild sleeping pill and a glass of water. I told him he missed one of his lunchtime pills. Hopefully in a little while this will calm him down. He's refused food and water up till now so maybe this will work and end the drama for tonight. I dread tomorrow. I pray to God he doesn't start again.0
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So glad to hear. If it was me at the first opportunity I would try to get rid of all the trigger items. I do this almost daily. I get rid of lists, any item that causes an undesirable behavior.0
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Thanks Toolbeltexpert. I try to keep trigger items away from him, but I never know what's going to trigger him. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I have my own health issues and this is just adding to them. I'm grateful for this forum. I feel so much support here. Thanks to everyone!!0
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I don’t think you should take him out any more ( and yes I saw your clarification about him NOT being the person of interest). He really should not be returning items like that. The store manager would be within his rights to ban him and you (as the driver) from the property.
The other thing is that it’s possible that he could get reported to the police as delusional just for telling people that god us speaking to him and wants him to do things like return odd items to the store. Not everyone would just acknowledge him and walk on. Sone people might become frightened
You mentioned you are in the country. It’s possible that he might start wandering and become lost.
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FaithHopeLove, I’m sorry this day has been so stressful- you are doing a great job.
You must be exhausted. But...Please consider disappearing any weapons immediately when he falls asleep. We never ever imagine they will do something...until they do. I had to hide, toss, and re-home knives, baseball bats, scissors, large garden tools, etc.
Something is definitely happening with him and until you can get the root cause treated, it is better to be safe than sorry. If he is really hearing voices (God) that’s an hallucination in addition to the delusions you’re dealing with.
It’s time for you to pretend- a LOT! (of fiblets) to be safe while not putting the target on yourself for confiscating and reporting things necessary to get help. We are here for you. Also, the 1-800 Alzheimer’s hotline is free, 24/7, and very knowledgeable about caregiving solutions and dementia.
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Butterflywings I sure don't feel like I'm doing a very good job with this. I'm physically sick and exhausted at this point and he's still asking for keys. It's been 45 minutes since I gave him a sleeping pill. You'd think he'd be getting tired by now. I agree with hiding weapons. I think the first thing I'll do is put away all of the things he wants to return to Home Depot. I'm afraid if he sees the pile of stuff tomorrow that it'll trigger him again. He usually gets a shower in the evening, so I'll do it then. He sleeps very lightly. If I get up in the middle of the night, he does too.
I called the hotline earlier and the social worker wasn't much help. She was very nice but didn't really want to hear me and just kept giving me numbers to other local agencies that could help me. When I told her about the situation I had here, she never offered any suggestions, just kept talking about how much help local agencies could provide.
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DH has shown a memory problem since March 2015. A few weeks after he had emergency quadruple heart bypass w/99%+ blockage. During initial testing, it was decided that he had had a stroke. Since 2015 until about 6 months ago, we did not get a diagnoses of Alzheimer’s although he was placed on meds for memory in 2017. Three weeks ago, after his new neurologist ordered a PET scan, this diagnoses was determined. He has not had the “normal” progression according to family doctor and neurologist. But, during the past few months he thinks someone is stealing all his tools. Actually, it is him that is organizing and moving them and then he forgets where he puts them. He would get hostile when I tried to show him that they weren’t gone. Neurologist thinks some of this is linked to his pain from spinal stenosis. A couple of weeks ago he forgot how to make instant coffee. Other things happened also. Now My question is, IS IT NORMAL FOR HIM TO ALL IF A SUDDEN BE BETTER?? For over 2 weeks he has seemed that way. No more having things stolen. Memory much better..I don’t understand what is going on.0
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KatzCatz wrote:DH has shown a memory problem since March 2015. A few weeks after he had emergency quadruple heart bypass w/99%+ blockage. During initial testing, it was decided that he had had a stroke. Since 2015 until about 6 months ago, we did not get a diagnoses of Alzheimer’s although he was placed on meds for memory in 2017. Three weeks ago, after his new neurologist ordered a PET scan, this diagnoses was determined. He has not had the “normal” progression according to family doctor and neurologist. But, during the past few months he thinks someone is stealing all his tools. Actually, it is him that is organizing and moving them and then he forgets where he puts them. He would get hostile when I tried to show him that they weren’t gone. Neurologist thinks some of this is linked to his pain from spinal stenosis. A couple of weeks ago he forgot how to make instant coffee. Other things happened also. Now My question is, IS IT NORMAL FOR HIM TO ALL IF A SUDDEN BE BETTER?? For over 2 weeks he has seemed that way. No more having things stolen. Memory much better..I don’t understand what is going on.
Katzcatz this drives me crazy, makes me wonder,"what?" I am learning to remember all the losses my dw already has and she doesn't a have a dx for anything. I am hoping this week I will get the ball rolling. Katzcatz welcome to the forum you will get lots more feed back if you click on add a topic, copy and paste what you wrote into the body. I am sorry for the reason you found this great place to come and vent,question, but this place is like family.
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Crisis over! Around 8:30 last night he came into the house and said God told me to thank you for not letting me go to Home Depot. The he said, I'm exhausted! I about fell out of my chair. He then went in to take a shower. While he was in the shower I thought I would use some of the wonderful advice I've gotten here. I went out in the garage to disassemble his pile of items he was going to return to Home Depot. I was surprised to see he had already done it. I did however hide a few items a little better so that it hopefully won't trigger him again. So far this morning, he hasn't mentioned yesterdays episode. I'm not sure he really remembers it. Thank goodness we have the neurologist appointment Friday. I want to thank all of you who responded to my desperate post yesterday. Without you, I wouldn't have made it thru the day. I was desperate and had nowhere else to turn. You gave me so much support and so many wonderful ideas as to how to deal with this. I now know how to watch for triggers a little better and I've learned how to slow him down with a little melatonin or mild sleeping pill. Thank you all so very much! And may God watch over us and bless us all as we go thru this with our loved ones.0
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That is great news! Now that you see how quickly things can escalate and how long he can be out of sorts it is the wake up call we all get eventually with this disease. It is a warning signal that this can be a very unpredictable and dangerous ride. We don’t control the roller coaster of dementia; all we can do is hang on for the ride and try our best to use the safety features at hand to protect ourselves and our LO.
You did that, and you did it well. Very glad for the Friday Neuro appt. Maybe sending a note or portal email will help you communicate the urgency and seriousness without having to talk in front of your DH. You want to be clear that the delusions, possible audio hallucinations, and raging must be addressed. A UTI with culture may still be in order if he still has some off behaviors.
I hope you go ahead and disappear the weapons while things have calmed down. I hate to say it, but unfortunately there still is a bumpy road ahead. We are all navigating the giant potholes too. Good luck! Very glad things have calmed down from yesterday. Liquid melatonin has helped us of the ledge many times when I couldn’t get his Seroquel dose in him just yet..
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Faith,Hope,Love wrote:
I'm afraid to keep keys, etc. on me. He may try to get them from me. I've got them hidden with my phone.
Yor phone, at the very least needs to be charged on your person at all time. Ideally you should have a room which can be secured from the inside which allows you egress in order to leave the house. If the garage contents serve as a trigger, either clean out the trash like used air filters and/or put a lock on the door so he can't get into the garage from the house assuming you have other ways out of the house in a fire/emergency.
I'll stick my ID and phone charger with them. There are weapons in the house, but I don't think he'd use them. I'm definitely keeping my distance. I don't understand why he hasn't calmed down already.
They need to go yesterday for a lot of reasons. Be sure to clear the house and garage of anything he could weaponize aside from the usual guns and knives- small tables, golf clubs, baseball bats, pry bars, etc as well.
If he kills you, he will be prosecuted and end up imprisoned and you will be unable to advocate for him. Even if you think he wouldn't use them, if he brandishes a weapon when LE turn up, he will be shot dead.Please read Lady Texan's post on being safe living with a volatile PWD.
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ES = Early Stage
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AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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