Stressful situation

Judide65

It's been a bit since I posted - been mostly reading your posts.  But here I am....my sister is EO and formally diagnosed.  She lives with my mother.  I live 1400 miles away.  This week, my mother is having knee surgery and I traveled to help with her recovery.  Meanwhile, I am juggling my sister's daily routine (which I know is important) with my mother's recovery....oh yeah - did I tell you I work full time????  

Last night, I was coordinating calendars, appointments, and menu planning.  I am worried I cannot pull this off for the next 3+ weeks.  If I break my sister's routine, she is angry.  I can't break my mother's appointments as they are medically necessary.  Lord knows I need my job.  

I'm not sure what I need from this fabulous group other than to know I am not alone.  I am on the verge of tears from the stress. I feel very unfocused and am second guessing everything I do. 

Did I also tell you the legal part?  I am seeing a lawyer to take over my sister's financials and to update my mother's legal papers.  

This phase will pass, right?  I'm just trying to make everyone as successful as possible without drowning myself.  Is that even possible? 

M1

That is indeed a lot to have on your plate.  If I can ask, how old is your mother?  Having had knee replacements, I would tell you it may take well more than 3 weeks to get her back on her feet and to the point that she can care for your sister.  Can you hire some help?  Sounds like the legal steps are very good to take.  I'm wondering whether you might also be giving any thought to moving them closer to you, for the longer term.  

I'm sure others will chime in--good luck, we're here to help if we can!

Quilting brings calm

First- call your moms doctor and explain your situation and that you need the physical therapists to come to her rather then the other way around.  That you need home health for her  That you can’t drive her due to your sister.  This can be done. 

Second - call your sisters doctor.  Tell them you need home health for her for the next few weeks. If they have the same doctor, then even better. 

Find out if it would be possible to schedule them for meals on wheels for a few weeks - longer even than you can stay for. 

See if a neighbor can recommend a temporary house cleaner to help you and them with the cleaning too. 

May flowers

I second quilting’s post. They can do in-home rehab with a doctor’s orders - that at least will take some of the stress off hopefully. Sorry you have so much on your plate!

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toolbeltexpert

Judidie 65 that feeling of being overwhelmed is something I feel, then I just focus on getting one thing done. Others have offered some possible solutions. You can do this, you're an amazing caregiver.

Judide65

M1:  My mother is 82 yrs old.  I am not in favor of this surgery, but it is what it is.  I am prepared to stay as long as possible to get her back on "steady legs".   I am hoping that 3-4 wks from surgery, she can walk and take care of herself at least minimally.  I have begun looking for in-home help for her.  

Quiltings & May Flowers:  those are good suggestions.  Thank you! 

Victoria2020:  Good idea about the local case manager.  Going to start my research. 

toolbeltexpert:  you are right...1 step at a time.  Thanks for the encouragement. 

harshedbuzz

Judide65-

Knee replacement is a crap-shoot. She's wise to do it now while she can before a time comes when that door shuts and every step taken going forward brings soul-sucking pain. Anesthesia is typically a spinal with sedation, so even the anesthesia risks are relatively minimal. 

My mom had TKR twice, once at 80 and once at 83. The first time was in FL. Dad was undiagnosed but in the earlier middle stages of the disease- her surgery was an hour away at a specialty hospital and while dad found it, he couldn't find the Comfort Inn directly across the street from the side of the building. I spent 45 minutes trying to navigate him there by phone from PA. He never did find it and slept in his car for 2 nights. I tried to encourage her to go to a rehab after, but her doc was willing to send PT the house. He was a hunk and dad was jealous but it all worked out and she did really well. 

Second time was in PA. Dad was further along and to a point where he couldn't really be left alone. I managed mom's needs and dad's cousin stayed with him. The hospital formulary didn't have 3 of mom's meds (after promising me up and down that they did) and she ended up with a little hospital psychosis in a downtown hospital an hour away while I was dealing with dad's gallbladder (which I believed to have been removed in 1980) leaving mom in the care of hospital chaplains. Once she was home, her surgeon gave her a computer rehab program (a thoughtless decision for a woman of her generation IMO) for the first 12 weeks. She was not as compliant around her PT because of dad being needy/shadowing and she has not had as phenomenal a result as the first but still a huge improvement in her quality of life.

That said, when my aunt obtained guardianship of her older sister (81) with vascular dementia one of the first decisions she made was to have my aunt's knee replaced. Her leg was badly swollen and she could barely walk on it. The surgery went well, but auntie had a stroke in recovery and never walked again. She was, however, relieved of the the worst of the pain. My BFF aunt had both knees done at once at 83. As a child-less widow she elected to go to a rehab for 2-3 weeks and has done wonderfully well. She picked a place that specializes in orthopedic rehab ahead after touring several places. 

If I had a do-over, I would put mom in a good rehab for a week or two and turfed him to respite somewhere. Cobbling onto what M1 said, it is hard to predict how quickly your mom will rebound. I had my knee done 2 years after my mom when I was 62 and healthy. I had seen how well mom did and thought I would be fine and was blindsided by how long it took me to recover. My DH slept on a blow-up mattress next to me in case I needed pain meds or ice or help getting up in the night for 3 solid weeks. During the day I could look after myself- laundry, meals, etc after 2 weeks but I wasn't driving or making logical choices for 5 weeks because of the pain meds. 

We used the time after mom's surgery to introduce a HHA for dad. We told dad she was there for mom "doctor's orders" and he didn't protest too much. One thing to look for is that PWD tend to have very little empathy for others. Dad gave no f*#@s that mom had just had extensive surgery-- even when he was reminded of the fact-- and expected to be waited on which wasn't ideal. She fought me on separating them for a time or even both going to a rehab and paying dad entirely OOP.

The bigger question here is your Plan B. And 82 year old woman as caregiver requires a Plan B that can be implemented of the fly from a distance. Is there any chance they could move closer to you? 

Good luck to you and your dear mom-
HB