Maudlin Mate

Paris20

I wrote about my husband who has Alzheimer’s and had a stroke four weeks ago. My children went back home and I am trying to settle into a routine with DH. I visit his assisted living/nursing care facility each day and spend about three hours with him.

Today I left after two hours because he was complaining non-stop. He was just lamenting everything. He certainly has every right to be unhappy and depressed about his situation but today the incessant whining just got to me. As I left, though, I was consumed by guilt. I had been sympathetic to him but I took off. It’s been gnawing at me ever since. 

Does your LO whine and complain? Up until now, my husband’s worst behavior was his aggressiveness. His meds were upped after his last meltdown and I’m wondering if his maudlin mood is the new normal. I don’t know how to deal with it effectively.

Stuck in the middle

If you listened to that complaining for two hours, you are more patient than I would be.  

YMMV, but I can't stand to listen to that stuff for very long.  There is enough truth in it that I find myself agreeing, and I am then as unhappy as the complainers.  I get depressed enough on my own, I don't need help.

I don't think you deserve to feel guilt for leaving earlier than usual.  You have done a lot, and you deserve to be happy.

Your listening wasn't doing him any good, it was just making you unhappy to no purpose.  If I were you, I would visit less often and go ahead and leave after a short visit if all he does is complain.  He  might even complain less and be happier if there is no one to listen to his complaints.

Quilting brings calm

I am nodding my head at Stuck in the Middle’s post.   Start dialing  those visits back- every other day and shorter.  You might be a trigger for him.  He is definitely a trigger for you.  You’ve been through the wringer and you need to rest.  

As for the whining…. I absolutely detest it.  Mom is nowhere near the stage most of your loved ones are at.  But she’s an expert at whining.  Every week it gets harder to listen to and I find myself  stupidly responding with responses that do not  help.  Such as ‘the reason you aren’t best friends with the other residents is that you refused to socialize with them for a long time because you didn’t want to’. 

Ed1937

Yesterday morning I went to visit my wife in the hospital. She was the best I've seen her in quite some time. I visited for 2 1/2 hours (an enjoyable visit), then went back last night. She was totally different, wanting me to get her out of there, and just complaining continuously for 1/2 hour. I left, and felt no guilt. I won't listen to it very long. That's not the first time I've done that.

dayn2nite2

Another vote for lessening the time/days you are visiting.  He needs to immerse himself in the daily schedule at the facility and depend on the aides.  I'd go every other day, about an hour or 1-1/2 hours max and then go down to maybe 3 times a week.  If he stops the complaints you can add an extra day here or there.

M1

Paris, strokes can cause emotional lability too, I wonder if that's part of what you're seeing. Might be worth discussing with his docs, it may be disturbing him as much as it is you. Just a thought, there may be meds they could tweak to give you both some relief.