I'm about to snap

MsDebW

This is my first post to a message board...

My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last month but he’s been behaving erratically for at least 4 years. He denies that anything is wrong with him and refuses to take medicine because the “priests” told him he didn’t need to. His short term memory is sporadic at best. Lately he is talking to me harshly, angrily, and disrespectfully even though he hasn’t done that in the 38 years we’ve been together. I’m afraid I’m going to snap!  I welcome any suggestions on what I can do or say to avoid his wrath?   Here are some examples

He’s buying ridiculously large amounts of herbal tea to give to his “friends” because the tea cures everything. He never has a receipt. When I told him that he has too much tea and showed him all the shopping bags. He yelled that I don’t know anything and do not interfere In his business because I must want him to leave my fat a$$.   

He harshly accused me of not making massage appointment for him after I promised I would. (we never had that conversation). I made the appointment and paid in advance. On day of appointment, he said I never told him about it (untrue). He went to the appointment alone but got mad and left when they asked him to sign the credit card authorization before getting the message. I told him they will not refund his money. He didn’t care. He paused for a few minutes and said they’re telling him not to come back. I suggested I go back with him so he wouldn’t lose $100. He angrily cursed me out and said I need to believe what he says and not to question him again. 

Pat6177

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. Glad you found us. There is a lot of support here and a lot of tips on dealing with this disease. Read as much as you can. And trust me, you are not alone!

Sudden onset erratic behavior can be due to a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) which is older folks can have no symptoms other than increased confusion or erratic behavior. It doesn’t sound like this was at all sudden onset but if so, go to PCP and ask them to test for a UTI. And ask them to do a culture at the same time so they will know what germ is causing the UTI and then they will know what antibiotic will work on it.

There are medications that will help with the delusions and the other behavioral problems. The best professional to see would be a Geriatric Psychiatrist (GeriPsych). But that may take some time. His current neurologist may be willing to order medication for the behavioral issues. You may want to take video of him being disrespectful and yelling and then show that to the doc.

If you feel threatened, make sure you react accordingly. Call 911. Keep your cell phone charged and on your person. Have a safe room that has a lock on the door. And hopefully a door to get out of the house. Have a plan to get out.

There is a current thread by Faith, Hope, Love titled something like “How do I get him out of the garage”. Read that. Somewhat similar issues and lots of good advice.

This disease is so difficult and so frustrating that it does make each of us feel like we’re going to snap at various times. You can always come to this forum and vent. People here “get it”. Hang in there!

M1

Welcome to the forum Deb.  There is a lot to learn from these boards.  An early and very hard lesson--quit trying to reason with him, it will only provoke anger--as you've seen.  He likely has anosognosia, which is not denial, it's part of the disease and is complete inability to recognize that anything is wrong:  so in his eyes, he thinks he's fine and why the hell are you bothering him?

Unfortunately that means that you are the one who has to make all of the adjustments.  Given what you're describing, he's probably at a point where he shouldn't be shopping or driving alone--probably not driving at all, but it may take a while to get there.  Access to money and credit cards becomes very problematic.  If you haven't done so, you need to think about getting power of attorney for him:  you may need to talk to a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org), who can also help you plan financially for long-term care, should it be needed in the future.  And make sure you have someone else to hold your powers of attorney, not him.

Read a lot of threads, you will learn plenty and learn what to plan for.  My partner's equivalent of the herbal tea was cat food--we couldn't have enough.  

Ask the doctor who diagnosed him to prescriber or make a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist, and be frank about the anger and aggression you're seeing.  He may need medication to bring him down a bit.  Good look.

Lynne D

Welcome Deb! I am sorry your circumstances bring you here.

In addition to the other suggestions, I might suggest looking for a palliative care team. Ours is staffed by a gerontologist, nurse, pharmacist, social worker, and spiritual advisor. They meet with us together and individually, and I feel they have been very helpful in navigating life with dementia. 

toolbeltexpert

Deb welcome to the forum, I can't add to what the others have advised. I am still learning that there is no reasoning with a pwd. They can't and if it they understood once they will forget everything again anyway. This disease is terrible, but hang around you'll learn how to "fix" things.  Remember that what your hearing from your dh isn't him.

MsDebW

Pat6177. Wow. I didn't know there's a connection. I'll ask PCP to test for UTI.  My husband sometimes refuses to do labs but I'm pretty sure he'll pee in a cup.

Thank you

MsDebW

M1, Your advise certainly makes sense. But he refuses to take any meds at all.

I always told my kids that of they cannot always control the circumstances, so they have to change their perspective. Guess I should follow my own advice. 

Thanks so much for the reminder.

MsDebW

That's a great idea Lynn D. Do I have to select each one separately or is there a key word I can search for?

MsDebW

ToolBeltExpert you're so right. Sadly, it's not him at all and I have to face it.

Crushed

Most importantly is your legal status in order?  From everything you say you are in a runaway truck with no brakes heading downhill. 

  This is a horrible disease and as a practical matter you are now poorer than you ever thought possible
 
You need durable and medical power of attorney   YESTERDAY
You need Medicaid (not medicare ) advice as soon as possible
Medicaid is your lifeboat.

Do not make any appointments for him except medical where you go along.  
  
Alzheimer's is QUACK heaven  Tea is the least of your worries.

 What state are you in That is critical for medicaid 

Make sure any social security or pension goes into a separate account Get your own credit cards and take yourself off his

A re there any guns in your house ?  Get rid of them

  

Kenzie56

We welcome you here, MsDebW.  You will learn a lot here.  I want to add to the list Crushed provided.  You will need to start child-proofing your home.  We have all experienced "surprises" and had our LO get into things we never expected.  Put all sharp objects away, cleaning/toxic supplies need to be stored in a cabinet that can lock.  All medications - OTC and prescriptive need to be locked away.  If you have pets, their meds need to locked up as well.  If you keep important documents in a file cabinet, buy a safe or buy a lock for the cabinet...you may discover important documents missing when you need them most.  I can't stress enough that one of the initial and the hardest thing will be taking the keys away - but it is the most important.  My DH ran a red light and T-boned a dump truck.  Luckily his license was permanently suspended, which got him off the road...but we were sued by the dump truck company and three years later, it was settled out of court.  Good luck.  We all share experiences here - it is a safe place and everyone is here to support each other along the way.

MsDebW

Thanks Crushed and Kenzie56.

Thankfully I got a Durable POA, Medical Directive, and Wills made about 2 years ago on when I realized something was wrong with him. I hid the gun too. I need to get it out of the house to be comfortable. 

He's still pretty independent - including cooking meals now and then, and going to play dominoes 2x week. I hid a gps tracker in his car.

I have always gone with him to all appointments, take notes, and do all the follow-up and scheduling. He always depended on me for that. But I can't get him to take prescribed meds anymore. He will go to the doctor. When they ask what's going on with him he tells them to ask me. He agrees to whatever they prescribe. But as soon as we leave, he tells me that they don't know anything.  Or he'll tell me he "talked" to them afterward and they changed their mind.  

One of things on my to-do list is to understand what we're medically eligible for via Medicare and secondary insurance. I'll add your suggestions to the list.  Thanks again!

CStrope

MsDebW, I completely get where you're coming from.  DH was diagnosed almost 2 years ago and the 4 or more years before that were absolute hell.  When I would go away for a weekend to visit our daughter, I would cry the 4 hour drive home because I couldn't stand to be around him. Once we received the diagnosis, I understood why he had been so mean.  Now, it is how I set the tone that determines how he's going to act.  I tell my friends I live in a world of grey.  No exuberant outbursts of joy or laughter, and certainly no open comments that may upset him.  I am now a stepford wife that has to just smile and say yes dear to everything in order to keep the peace.  On the up side, it avoids confrontations, on the very down side, I feel like I've lost a bit of  myself, since I have had to "become" this type of person in order to survive.

MsDebW

CStrope - after reading the replies to my post and many others, ironically the thought that came to mind was the Stepford Wives too. I guess it's better to be that knowingly than to be miserable and angry because we don't understand why our LO is acting so hostile and belligerent.

God bless us all with patience and strength!

JDancer

Welcome to our forum. I hope you find it as helpful and supportive as I do.

I hate to be harsh, but you must stop him from driving. He's making a lot of bad decisions and driving involves split second decision making. How can he possibly manage a car if he fails to manage so many other aspects of his life? Please don't wait until he has an accident or gets lost.

It's hard to take the keys away, but his life (and others) is at risk.

ButterflyWings

Welcome MsDeb - Very sorry you are feeling at the end of your rope, but tie a knot and hang on! We know how that feels. And, you will benefit from many of this group's workarounds like counting to 10 (rinse and repeat!) before snapping. It never ever helps. But we do understand.

We very often have to use the "don't ask, don't tell" approach after a certain point. PWD's have broken and declining brains. We can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Your blood pressure will thank you for just letting go of the old way of relating to this person who looks like your LO but sadly, can't function like him anymore. You are in charge now. Period.

Meds: many of us learn to hide or crush them in a beverage or bite of something our LOs like.

Weapons: Guns, knives, big tools, scissors or other sharp (or heavy objects), etc. Yes, like childproofing on steroids. Anything that can be weaponized cannot safely exist in the same space with a PWD. Especially not an angry one that is cursing you out and otherwise contentious, which can turn deadly in a heartbeat. Even while you are sleeping. Please listen to what was posted before.

Driving: this is an urgent life or death matter. It is not just about him maybe losing his way or forgetting where he is going, like I originally thought. It is as the prior post/s said - complex and very dangerous to leave a PWD in control of a fast-moving, heavy metal vehicle that can do great harm in an instant. Please just lose the keys, disappear the car if needed, and playing dumb is fine. I mastered the shrug, blank look, and promise to help DH look for the keys (and even the missing car) at one point. This is very, very urgent. It is too late when an accident happens.

Crushed

MsDebW wrote:

Thanks Crushed and Kenzie56.

I hid a gps tracker in his car.

 But I can't get him to take prescribed meds anymore.

One of things on my to-do list is to understand what we're medically eligible for via Medicare and secondary insurance. I'll add your suggestions to the list.  Thanks again!

1)  He can kill someone driving  very very easily  NO DRIVING 

2) most meds for Alzheimers are of little value   If its meds for psychosis that doubles down on the no driving

3) Medicare is largely useless for Alzheimer's.   Unless the secondary insurance is Long term care you are uninsured.  DWs uninsured care costs over $140,000 a year  and we have full federal employee insurance

Joydean

MsDeb welcome. Sorry for what you are going through. Please listen to what others are saying about the car keys! Do you think you could live with your self if he were to hit and kill a small child or anyone? I’m not trying to be cruel. But it could happen! Not being able to drive still bothers my dh. I understand it’s loosing their independence. I am so grateful our son is a police officer and he had a very serious talk with his dad about driving. So I am dh’s “driver “.  Best of luck to you!

Iris L.

MsDebW wrote:

. But as soon as we leave, he tells me that they don't know anything.  Or he'll tell me he "talked" to them afterward and they changed their mind.  

This is anosognosia.  He truly BELIEVES HE IS FINE.  You cannot convince him otherwise.  Learn the work-arounds from the members.  Don't argue with him, don't confront him with reality.

Iris

MsDebW

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and insights. I hear you loud and clear.

Faith,Hope,Love

Welcome to our group!!  I can't offer any advice, since I'm new here myself.  I just joined several days ago.  But, I can reassure you that these people are wonderful, caring and have some good advice.  They've made my life a lot easier for me.  I feel like I have someone to share my thoughts and concerns with.  These are the only people who really understand what we're going thru.

????

I am in the same boat, we found out last fall that my wife has Alzheimers.  She had a bad head injury in 1993 and never fully recovered from that, now Alzheimers on top of that.  She thinks she functions fine, so if I don't get involved in things, they often go side ways on us.  If I try to reminder her of appointments or other things, she gets mad at me.  She also seems to focus on little things I do, and get mad at me.  Last night at dinner I reached for a bowl of salad and the table cloth moved a little as I reached for it.  Boy did she jump my case.  It is hard to deal with.  Seems like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.  I am not looking forward to this journey, but I have promised her I would be here till the end, and I would keep her at home as long as I can. We have been married 44 years. Hang in there.

Ed1937

???? wrote:

If I try to reminder her of appointments or other things, she gets mad at me.  

????, welcome to the forum. Sorry you need to be here. Try this ---- "Wow! There I go again. I forgot you had an appointment today. We'd better get ready". Don't remind her that she forgot. Put the heat on you.