Can’t call mom

Daughter80

Today I am putting down a deposit for a place for my mom. We are still not 100% sure if it will be in AL or MC, but I know for 100% that this sucks. My heart breaks knowing I will have to do this. I had dream after dream last night about it. Sleep is hard to come. And I constantly think of what the day will look like when I leave her. This just sucks and I want to call my mom for comfort but obviously that’s not an option. Hugs and prayers to everyone that is caring for a LO with dementia of any type. We are not alone.

LicketyGlitz

Hey, Daughter, I feel for you and your mom. It's a tough call to make, but a lot of caregivers find that their dementia person finds new ways to thrive in the social setting of MC and AL. Does the facility offer activities that your mom might find enjoyable? Is there the option to socialize with peers that she may warm up to? Do you feel good about the level of care and kindness you've observed at the joint?

You will still be her caregiver, but in more of an advocacy role then the day-to-day. MC is so often the best option for a person and their family for all kinds of reasons. I know it feels awful, but I hope silver linings pop up for you both to take some of the hurt away.

Daughter80

Hi LicketyGlitz,

There are lots of opportunities for activities and social activities. Outings. And I have seen nothing but kindness towards residents. The staff helped residents unapologetically when on tours.  They spoke respectfully and with regard to the residents while on a few tours there as well. Thanks so much. 

GothicGremlin

Hi Daughter -- I just wanted to chime in as well. 

I placed my sister in memory care last October, and she has done well so far. The first month or so was difficult, many tears and a tantrum or two. But after awhile she realized it wasn't the horror show she thought it was going to be. They have activities, including karaoke, which she loves. She even told me that she should have moved there sooner. That may be the first time anyone has ever said that, but I think it's because they really are nice to her and look after her.

There are difficult aspects of it to be sure -- like I can't always see her when I want to or when she wants me to, but overall I feel like she's getting great care.

I hope this helps a bit.

May flowers

The days leading up to placing my FIL last year were so hard. I felt so guilty and worried about how he would adjust. I dreaded “the day” and the fallout. Other than being anxious that he wouldn’t be able to find his way around the facility, etc., he did fine once he realized someone would take him wherever  he wanted to go. He never once asked to come home and only had good things to say. In many ways, he brightened up a bit and we enjoyed seeing him laughing and chatting with his peers. He made friends (even though he didn’t know their names) - “the guy” he drank coffee with every morning, “the lady” he walked laps around the facility with, etc. The activities director was a godsend because she took him under her wing from the first day and became a centering force for him - if he was anxious, just seeing her would calm him. 

From reading other’s experiences, even those who had a more lengthy transition, most did eventually adjust and it was a blessing for them. Hang in there, you both will make it through this transition.

Daughter80

Thanks so much to you all for sharing. My mom has been living with her sister who does tell her what to do and really doesn’t understand how to talk to someone with dementia. She has said some really nasty things to my mom. She threatens to put her in a locked facility thinking that will make mom “snap out of it”. So I am hopeful this will be a much better place for my mom. This place had lots of staff. 1/5 caregiver/patient ratio. And they all know just how to talk to the residents. My mom is young and pretty with it so they are going to allow her to bring her dog at least for the transition. Also they have a mock store she can work in. I think she will adjust well. I can only hope and pray that we made the right choice as far as places. It is a stand alone memory care that has about 40 residents. It has 5 courtyards. A house dog and a giant fish tank. I know she will deteriorate and only get worse, but I’m happy that, for now, we can give her some things she likes.