new and need help advice

Janeen67

I am new and I am taking care of my mother and father. I am emotionally and physically drained. With my brother's help we make sure our parents have meals, do the daily things needed and take them to the store. They live in their own home together and are married for 66 years. They do not want to go to an assisted living facility. They want to stay in their home. I have reached out to the Area Agency of Aging and they cannot help me with getting payment for someone to do in-home care. My dad is a veteran so I am also working on that. My parents would prefer a family member to care for them and we have someone in the family that is a nurse that is willing to care for them. We would like to find a program that would pay my niece who is the nurse to help take care of my parents. I see my mother declining with her memory and even she will ask us why is she this way. I wish I could answer why people get this. She sometimes gets very moody and will get angry. We also took notice that when we are having bad weather coming or have storms she is worse than on sunny days.If anyone has any advice as I am a newbie I would greatly appreciate it. I go to therapy for support but I still have my crying session as it is so sad to watch my mother decline. Thank you so much!

harshedbuzz

Janeen67 wrote:

I am new and I am taking care of my mother and father. I am emotionally and physically drained. With my brother's help we make sure our parents have meals, do the daily things needed and take them to the store.

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here, but glad you found us. 

It's great that you and your brother are able to work together to assist your parents; that makes everything so much easier. 

They live in their own home together and are married for 66 years. They do not want to go to an assisted living facility. They want to stay in their home.

Everyone wants to age-in-place, but that isn't always the best option or even one that is attainable. 

They made a wish and/or the assumption that they wouldn't need a level of care beyond a check-in from family instead of a plan in the form of a LTC policy or squirreling away significant sums of money to pay for professional care in the home. This may not be fixable.

I have reached out to the Area Agency of Aging and they cannot help me with getting payment for someone to do in-home care.

There are precious few waiver programs out there. In some states, there is some money available via Medicaid meant to keep people at home (and out of Medicaid-funded nursing home beds) by offering a bare minimum hours each week in home or sometimes in a day program. 

Related to this, have they/you consulted with a CELA for legal paperwork to act on their behalf? Often a CELA will know of what's out the in terms of programs in your area. They can do Medicaid planning with you as well. 

Do you and your brother have a Plan B in the event dad can no longer provide care for mom because of death or disability? 

My dad is a veteran so I am also working on that.

Are you looking into Aid & Attendance? 

It was my understanding that this care benefit applies to the war-era veteran who needs help with  ADLs or his/her widow. That does not sound like your situation unless dad is the one struggling with eating, dressing, bathing or toileting. Your mom would qualify as his widow. I think it pays around $2400/month for care. I do not know if this money is restricted to care via specific agencies or not. One of my aunts had A&A; it was helpful but wasn't enough to keep her out of AL and eventually a SNF. 

My parents would prefer a family member to care for them and we have someone in the family that is a nurse that is willing to care for them. We would like to find a program that would pay my niece who is the nurse to help take care of my parents.

There really isn't much in the way of "programs". If you are lucky, you might find some waiver money that may or may not be tied to a day program, occasional respite or a few hours in the home. One problem is that in home care is typically the costliest option given that an agency HHA is typically about $30+/hr.

I see my mother declining with her memory and even she will ask us why is she this way. I wish I could answer why people get this. She sometimes gets very moody and will get angry. We also took notice that when we are having bad weather coming or have storms she is worse than on sunny days.If anyone has any advice as I am a newbie I would greatly appreciate it. I go to therapy for support but I still have my crying session as it is so sad to watch my mother decline. Thank you so much!

The emotional aspects are difficult. For your mom's moods, medication may help her. One of the most important people on dad's care team was his geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed a cocktail of meds to ease dad's anxiety enough to help him respond positively to validation and redirection strategies. 

HB

toolbeltexpert

Janeen67  sorry you had to find this forum, but you've come to the right place.  First thing does someone have a dpoa?