Soooooo....

Nerdyblond

I just posted last night about what a horrible week I had. I took it down. It was not very nice and very discouraging. 

I still want everyone to know that despite what you all are going through, you are soldiers. Whether you are struggling or knowing what to do, you all deserve anything and everything good coming to you.

 Just know that whatever you are doing to try to care for your parents, you are doing the best you can and never think there could be a better way than what you are attempting, especially since you are all putting your loved ones, or your patients, or your family first.

I am giving up. As of  the end of July, I am moving out. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with the dramatic family situation my horrible sister and mom are creating. 

I am done. But I so very much appreciate the support and caring I received here! Thank you!

Stuck in the middle

I don't blame you, NB.  Best wishes.

oehlsena

Sometimes you've got to put your own health first! Best of wishes to you and thank you for your inputs!

SusanB-dil

Not everyone can do even as much as you've done...  And when you know you cannot continue, you need to watch out for your own health and well-being.

You have a caring heart - Best wishes and God Bless

Quilting brings calm

There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you and your family are oil and water and that living with your mom is not good for you. That doesn’t make you anything but a caring daughter and a human being.   Whether you live with your mom or not, this forum is still the right place for you to be. Lots of us don’t live with our loved one with dementia.   Me, for example.  For lots of reasons including my own well being.

Joydean

NB, wish you peace. You have given and given, it’s time for you to take your life own life back. You can take to a brick wall all day and that wall will still just stand there. You can only help those that want help. Thank you for all your very helpful insight. Take care of yourself. God bless you! 

mommyandme (m&m)

Hope your transition goes smoothly. I’m glad you can honor your own boundaries and care for yourself going forward. Don’t be a stranger, we’re always here, you’re not alone.

PinkPeony71

Hi Nerdyblond, I feel your pain and know what it's like to be in your shoes.  Believe me, my PTSD kicks in often times and totally agree that those who care for a loved one with Alzheimer's/Dementia are true soldiers.  You helped me with some advice several weeks ago and I have consulted an attorney as I am the full time caregiver for my mom and my brothers are MIA when it comes to her care and do not want her in a memory care facility.  I can understand the hell you are going through.

Just an update, my younger brother sent an email how we are all going to pitch in to help by getting a caregiver M-F from 7-4 and that the 3 of us will rotate weekends and pitch in at night.  This is the brother who NEVER sees her, but he knows how to take care of her.  

My older brother has decided to finally pitch in and took care of her this weekend, not overnight, she still came home to me.  He couldn't have her overnight because his son was home from college and did not have extra space although she is currently in my son's room.  Nevertheless, he brought her home early yesterday from an outing and told me in private that my mom had an accident.  She lost control of her bowels after their outing and right inside his wife's Infiniti SUV.  Karma is real people.  He blamed it on himself as he did not ask her if she needed to use the washroom and asked if she needs to see the urologist for her overactive bladder control issue.  This is denial in its purest form.  I told him that this type of occurrence  is happening quite frequently and is not unusual..  What's sadder, my mom had no reaction.  Back in the day, my mom would have been mortified if this happened to her, especially in front of her son.  

I'm hoping that his wife knocks some sense into him that she needs professional care that we cannot give her 24/7.  I will keep you posted.

jmlarue

Pink P - It's hard not to smirk just a little over big brother's "Adventures in Caregiving" story. I'm betting the idea that Mom would be better served in MC might not receive the push-back it once did. Did DB take care of the clean-up duty or did he simply cut the outing short and bring Mom back so you could deal with it? I'm guessing you'd love to be cc'd on the flurry of emails between your brothers following this "reality bites" moment.

SusanB-dil

I second jmlarue - 

so many of us 'attempt' to explain it to someone who just. doesn't. get. it.   UNTIL.....

toolbeltexpert

NB I read your profile and you really took it all on. Sounds like the deck was kinda stacked. Sometimes you gotta know when to fold them. Take care of you and keep in touch.

Nerdyblond

Thank you everyone!!

Nerdyblond

Wow, PinkPeony!

I truly don't understand people and their reasonings and assuming a superhero personality without really experiencing caregiving of a loved one. Prayers for you all.

PinkPeony71

jmlarue - You guessed it, my older brother cut the outing short and left it to me deal with the cleaning.  I am hoping that every minute he spends with her, helps bolster my case.  

The younger brother has not stepped up to the plate with dates that he plans to take care of my mom.  He knows how to throw his weight, but he doesn't know quite how to pull it yet.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Pinkpeony, knowing how to throw his weight but not pull, sounds a lot like my dad. So sorry that your brother just left the mess and your mom to you like that. Did he help at all or ask for tips, or did he just dump her off lile that.

NB, as odd as it might sound, I did like seeing your posts within the forms since I just joined a while ago. I felt a little bit of solidarity with you and your situation and could relate. So sorry you are going through this and am happy for you that you are establishing your boundaries. It's a tough situation and I'm glad you are moving forward.

PinkPeony71

Hi Catswithhandsaretrouble, nope my older brother didn't offer to help at all.  He dropped her off and then left, however he told me and my mom that he would be back tomorrow at 2 p.m. to help me. From previous texts from my brothers, my older brother stated that he can watch mom starting this past Monday from 2 p.m. until she goes to bed.  

So the day after the incident was to be his first Monday with her.  My daughter who is on summer break, stayed with my mom as I told her uncle is coming to pick her up at 2.  I get a text from my daughter at 3:52 stating that her uncle never showed up.  I texted him to see if he was still coming and he said he was still at work, he didn't state that he was still coming or running late.  That's the answer I got, "Still at work".  Must be nice to have the luxury of  deciding not to come or provide one with notice.  I guess the incident from Sunday was still lingering in his mind.

I asked if he was coming on Tuesday and he said he will come between 3:30 and 4.   He did show up at 3:40 and brought her home at 8:50, even though I told him no one will be home until 9 as I was at my son's baseball game.  Thankfully my daughter came home earlier and was home to receive her.  

He was a complete no show for Wednesday, not even a call that he could not come.  Thursday was my son's graduation which I took my mom and had her all day with me.  I have no idea if he's coming today.  The younger brother who set up this arrangement has not called or has volunteered his services whatsoever.

Meanwhile, on Wednesday, I sent weekends I need someone to help with mom as my son has out of state tournaments and neither one has addressed or responded to.  I blame my mom for this as she always relied on me and they were never responsible for anything.  I don't know why I thought her having Alzheimer's would change that.  They are completely ignorant to her condition and like being left in the dark.

LicketyGlitz

I hope you have wonderful adventures in your future, Nerdy!