Placement in 11 days

Gig Harbor

I decided to place my husband. It is a decision I never wanted to make but I find myself feeling so resentful that he has had 21 years of retirement and my 4 years have been spent caring for him. I alternate with sadness and depression. He has failed so much in the last month. For the last two nights he has not recognized our house but said it would be a good place to sleep. I took him for a pedicure today with friends and he was so confused. They were surprised at how far he has declined. His walking is changing too to more of a slight shuffle and he likes to walk 10 feet behind me. I actually think he will fit in well there. I took him there for an assessment and he didn’t question anything but 10 minutes later he had no idea that he had been anywhere. He wanders around the house looking out windows and isn’t that interested in TV. He thinks all shows are crazy because he no longer understands them. I plan to visit 3-4 days a week because it is 30 miles away. We will do walks but no more meals out since he doesn’t seem to enjoy them. I think his treat of the day will be an ice cream bar. I never wanted our marriage to end up here. I only hope he continues to be happy as he lives in the moment.

Kenzie56

Dear GH...I am thinking about you.  Yes, you deserve a retirement and please don't feel guilty. I retired in 2012 and am still waiting for mine.  I am probably right behind you and will be looking for your post to see how placement goes. We are all here to support you!

toolbeltexpert

Gig it's good to hear from you. And you're moving forward to benefit both of you. It sounds like he will have an easy placement, and it sounds reasonably close. None of us would have thought we would end up  here. You have to make all decisions now and this sounds like your doing a great job. Hoping it all goes well. Prayers continue for you both.

Joydean

Dear Gig, you deserve a life. You are the only one that has a right to make this decision. You know what is best for your dh and for you. Sounds like he might enjoy being around others and activities for him to do. And you Gig sound like you are at the burn out stage, sadness and depression are not healthy. I’m proud of you for making this very hard decision. You are in my thoughts and prayers, take care of yourself.

jmlarue

The day you came here to post that you had reached a decision to place your DH, I spent about 3 hours filling out the paperwork to get my DH on the waiting lists for 6 different VA facilities. I'm pretty certain he is not far behind your DH in the progression of this insidious disease. You were so wise in anticipating and beginning the process for placement when you did. I'm sure it played a big role in smoothing the way for your DH's ongoing care and your peace of mind.

Do keep us in the loop going forward. Like it or not, everyone who goes through the placement process becomes the trusted guide for the rest of us going into foreign territory. Praying all goes well for both you and your DH.

Jeff86

Adding another voice of support to you as you proceed with placement.   There are many excellent reasons why it becomes the better, or at least the less bad, choice.  These include disease progression, increased care needs, the potential better daily quality of life for the PWD, and the needs of the spouse-caregiver.

You’ve ticked off many of those boxes.  It’s a good decision, for you and your DH.  Wishing a smooth adjustment for both of you.

Ed1937

Gig, I can't believe there are so many of us who recently placed our LO, or are getting ready to. I know this was the hardest decision of your life because it sure was for me. I'll say a prayer for you and for the rest of us who are dealing with placement. Our house is no longer my home. It is just a roof over my head now.

Marie58

Gig, I'll be praying for you and DH as you prepare for the move and the adjustments for you both. You've been a wonderful caregiver and are doing what's best for both of you.

NylaBlue

Wishing you and your husband well, GH. Alzheimer’s progression is so unpredictable. This sounds like a good time to make the move. I hope the placement goes smoothly.

Joe C.

Gig, I know this was a difficult decision but from my experience I know it can be the best decision. I wish you the best going forward and hoping the transition goes smoothly.

ButterflyWings

Dear Gig, 

You have done SO much. This is the next good choice among limited options for this horrid disease. After so many years of shouldering all the responsibilities in your marriage, you are choosing to also prioritize yourself now. Wise and only fair. Thanks to you, he will have a full team at his disposal. And you will have a life. The transition will still have its ups and downs, but so does 24/7 caregiving. I wish you well. High five. 

Beachfan

Dear Gig, 

You know what my advice would be…….It’s time to give some thought to your own future and well being.  You will have doubts, worries, what if’s - - just take one day at a time and trust your inner self.  It’s time, it’s past time.  He will be okay.  You will be okay.  Been there, done that, still adjusting, but I am a better, happier person for having listened to my kids and claiming my life back.  Thinking of you!  Stay strong; you can do this.  

Jo C.

Dearest Gig Harbor, reading your Post brought tears to my eyes, and after reading your descriptions of his function and cognitive levels, I feel sure that you are doing the very best you can do for him.  It will be an environment set up just for his challenges.  He will have structure and routine and not have any expectations that he cannot reach; he will still have you as his carer and your oversight will bode well for his ongoing care needs.

Gig Harbor is one of my favorite places in Washington; it seems so peaceful,  I am hoping that soon, you will find your own peace and serenity in knowing that you have gone the distance and now give him the care that will suit his needs as they have come to exist, and that it is also time for you to recoup.

So many here in the last few weeks who have had to make placement; my heart goes out to each and all of you.

With warmest of thoughts are being sent your way,

J.

kmorris

Thank you for posting this.  It is helping me to continue on to next step in the placement process. My husband is about at the same point.  Next to no social life.  He is unable to have a conversation so most of his buddies have ceased contact. Afternoons he begins pacing about, looking out windows, opening and closing doors etc.  He is unable to work remote so TV time is when I watch something.  Most ADL's are OK but dressing is a challenge.  I feel guilty but I need a life at this point.  My kids were actually the catalyst.  They both are pushing for this. We have an assessment for a facility coming up this week.  After that we will know if it's MC or AL to start.

Gig Harbor

Thanks for all the comments everyone. This is a hard decision but I am ready. I am filling out pages of paperwork and have stacks of clothes to label after my husband goes to bed. It is almost as though he knows I sometimes doubt my decision and he is more confused so I know I am right. In the evening he really doesn’t know that he is in our house but says he will sleep here anyways. Kmorris in our area of Washington assisted living places are not locked units so for him memory care is the only choice. He has to be somewhere where he can’t walk out the door. He is now becoming more agitated when he is with his companions so again it makes me think this is a good choice. I hope he adjusts well and he is good natured so I think the staff will work well with him. I know he will like the activity and having lots of people to watch.

Nowhere

Wishing you and your husband all the best as you transition through placement. I’m the past, you have been so supportive to me and I appreciate you. You’ve been a rock for your husband, and he’s still going to need your looking out for his best interest. Speaking from personal experience, you’ll be letting go of 24/7 responsibility and accepting new challenges in overseeing his care. The disease is not an easy one in any “place”. You, your family, and friends will be relieved for and at the same time grieve this further loss. I’m so sorry!

White Crane

Dear Gig Harbor, it sounds like you are doing the best thing for your DH and for yourself.  Praying it goes well and that you will be able to rest.

Buggsroo

Dear Gig, 

I applaud your decision, it sounds like he is at a stage where he would benefit from being cared for in a safe place. I know I will be doing this sooner than later. I am taking my hubby to daycare tomorrow but if that doesn’t take well I will start looking into long term care as well. 

I wish you a peaceful transition and that the process goes smoothly.