I need to vent

Krimpet

Let me start by saying this, I do not have time for smart comments or any rudeness. Hence why I have stopped posting on here before. I’m very frustrated, My Aunt is getting worse. Today while at the nailery she became enraged because she didn’t want the nail tech to cut her natural nails down short and started cursing, even after he said he wouldn’t cut down. Initially when we first came in I asked him to cut them down. My aunt’s nails grow very long and need to be cut. She gets poop under her nails. She went on and on yelling cursing and screaming. Even went on to say to the nail tech “this isn’t going to work” I’m not going to be having people tell me what to do. “I need to find someplace else to live” Everyone is staring at us at this point. I paid for the nails and waited outside in my car. When my aunt’s nails got finished she came out and got in the car. She began accusing me of stealing from her, saying awful things about me that have never been true and then requesting to go to her mother’s house where she’s not even allowed to ho because my grandm, aunt, uncle and cousin do not want her there. When we arrived at my house she continues to curse and yell. Eventually she calmed down. I have to walk on egg shells so she’ll take her medicine and eat food. Any little thing disagreement she won’t eat. I’ve had chest pains for the last 2 weeks. I’m getting truly fed up trying to help her. I feel so bad that she has no one else. NO ONE. She doesn’t have any children, she’s my favorite aunt. I’m really upset. Then tonight she was confused about taking off her clothes so she began cursing and yelling again. I helped her take off the dress, as it was a dress that can be pulled over the head. As soon as I pulled the dress up to help her she started swinging and trying to fight me. Refusing to put on her pajamas, refusing to change her diaper. It’s soooo draining. It’s already challenging that she needs help with everything just like my toddler would but the extra behavior. I really can’t deal with. I am drained everyday, l’m starting to resent her. Now she won’t take her sleeping meds and is awake in my living room watching tv. I’m really over this, as I continue to age I don’t want to deal with this sh-- anymore.

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towhee

Hi Krimpet- What is it with our LOs and nails? Well do I remember when the sight of fingernail scissors would cause a major meltdown. Ended up filing a few fingernails at a time (fib, distract) with a treat after. Usually took a week to get thru them all, and then start over, and no matter how short they would still get poop under them. Had a friend whose mom was so bad they literally had to drug her to do her nails, had to because she kept scratching the CNAs.

There is just no way to get ahead of dementia. Something unexpected is always around the corner. You are only human, and if you run yourself into the ground, you can't care for anyone. Give yourself some grace, when you can't you can't.

Nerdyblond

Hi Krimpet.

I am so sorry you are dealing with that. My mom was not quite that bad but she and my horrible sister did not make things easy for us. My mom put my POA sis in charge, then accused her of taking over the will. She plays all 7 of us against each other and she and horrible sis have a very toxic and co-dependent relationship.

Mom's favorite is my horrible sister. After three of us tried to do what is right and keep mom safe for over a year and a half, she still is about my horrible sis. I am hurt and angry. I literally gave up my life, my kids, my granddaughter, all that to care for mom. For what?? Nothing!!!

I moved out today. My POA sis was wondering what mom was going to do since I am not there to make sure she gets her meds, eats, clean the house and do her laundry. I said I don't care. She didn't want me there and she claims to be "just fine". I dislike my mom and horrible sis a lot, especially after today.

So keep strong, know that your aunt now is not really your aunt. It's a disease and it smothers who your loved ones really are. 

But please, if it gets unbearable, recognize you do have a choice. Keeping yourself healthy is a priority, not just for you but for your child too. If your aunt needs to be in a home, please put her there. 

Praying for you. We are here for you, again, I am so sorry you are going through this. 

May flowers

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it is so hard. Is your aunt on any medications to calm her? My FIL is pretty combative with changing/dressing and most of the meds made him worse, but one is helping so far (Risperdol). Sometimes finding the right med is trial and error.

Is placement or an in home caregiver a possibility for her? I hope you are able to get some respite and have some time to take care of your own health needs. We just got someone for the mornings and I am going to start setting up appointments for my own health as I have neglected too much for too long. Hugs and prayers for you

mommyandme (m&m)

That is so embarrassing, frustrating and maddening!  I have previously fallen into the hole of defending myself for dumb stuff she does or says which is dumber than what she said or did.  If I didn’t vent I’d go berserk.  I hope venting here has helped some.  

Please find a way to get away from it all.  You and your child deserve a life too.  This just SUCKS! I’m so sorry! 

Daughter80

So very sorry that you are going through this. I totally agree with everyone. Especially May Flowers. Is there a medication you can try that may help right now?  I wonder if a doctor could do a phone or virtual visit asap so you can get some sooner rather than later. Then I honestly wondered if you can find a place for her. I’m moving my mom into MC and as heartbreaking as it is I know it is best for everyone. Prayers for you today and as you move forward. Hugs too.

jmlarue

"I’m really over this, as I continue to age I don’t want to deal with this sh-- anymore."

I think the final statement in your rant pretty much says it all. It's time to let go and transfer all the responsibility for her care and feeding to someone else - namely, a state appointed conservatorship. Contacting your local Dept. of Social and Health Services would probably be the place to start. The process for your aunt becoming a Ward of the State takes time. It could mean weeks or even months. It would be incumbent upon you to make it clear to her social worker that she cannot remain in your home during that process because she presents a real and present danger to you and to your child. Her verbal abuse is now escalating to physical lashing out. This isn't a safe environment for either one of you.

It's such a shame that the situation has become unbearable for you. It doesn't mean you love your favorite aunt any less or that you don't still care deeply that she be treated with respect and dignity to her end of days. It will require, however, that you place your aunt in third place behind your need and duty to care for your child and yourself.

LicketyGlitz

Hoh boy, Krimpet, you got your hands full.

So much good advice here I will just second what Mayflowers said about medication - ask her doctor for help, or better yet see if you can get in to see a geriatric psych doctor - they are experts at helping you find medications, dosing amounts, dosing times, to help calm some of dementia's worst manifestations which you are smack dab in the middle of! We used Zoloft for a while to help her with depression which came out as tears and anger. And when Mom hit the full-blown rage-stage we had Seroquel to help her, and us. No pill is going to take it all away, but the meds def made things more manageable.

Also, after our mom could no longer sit through a manicure appointment, her doctor hooked us up with a former RN who had moved to doing nails at memory care facilities and home visits. She was excellent with dementia folks, and cheaper than a nail salon to come to the house and keep Mom's nails in shape.

Yeah, the poop under the nails get's real old real fast! I feel 'ya. I know you'll find the right solution for you, your aunt, and your family.

Fairyland

Sorry for your troubles, it’s really unbearable.

I think if you can see your way clear to placement, you may have the opportunity to be a favourite niece again, not a dogsbody for someone who needs residential care.

Judide65

I have to say that I just logged in to vent myself and I found your post.  I am also dealing with a LO- EO sister who is extremely emotional, reactionary and difficult to talk to.  

I am sorry for what you are experiencing, but at the same time comforted that I am not alone.  Chin up....you have done the very best you can do in a very difficult situation.  Please take time for yourself to heal and get back to you, if that is possible.