melt down/ breakdown

Scooterr

  I don't even know where or how to start this post, but here it is. The last 2 to 3 weeks have been pure hell! and that's just how it feels. My DW decline is just happening  way to fast now. Everything from no longer remembering  her twin sister, no longer able to clean herself properly, throwing her shoes in the trash. I made her corndogs last night for supper and she was unable to put the mustard on the corndog, she had no clue on what to do with it, and the list goes on.

  This morning I get up early to clean the house and find our  freezer leaking water on the washroom floor. Now I got a mess, so I start mopping and cleaning it. My DW walks in and I ask her to bring me a towel. She brings me a plastic bag (I should have known to get it myself). I lose it big time, I throw the mop, the mop bucket, the cleaner, and then the curse words started flowing every word that has ever been said, I said it.  I had a meltdown. I looked at my DW and nothing no emotions, nothing she just looked at me with her dead eyes and blank face. I guess I was hoping she would tell me to stop my stupidity or get out of the house.

   This was my first big meltdown since we started this journey. I don't know if it's the fact of watching her decline, or the stress of caregiving, or all of it together. What ever it maybe, it came out this morning. 

   Lord only knows what was going through her mind. I know afterwards I felt like crap, I totally disrespected my wife and I know this would not be acceptable to her. Now the breakdown, I just wrapped my arms around her, and broke down. I mean the tears was pouring down my face. All I could do was apologize and kiss her. I felt so bad for her and still do.

  Most of my working career I've dealt with other people, and their problems, and in stressful situations. I've always been able to deal with them and take care of business. I have to say right now (today) in my personal life with my wife I failed her and I feel like I stole her trust in me. My love for my wife is deep, it's more than love, I don't even know how to describe it. I do hope some how in her small fragile body she has forgiven me. Thanks for listen. (sorry so long). 

Fairyland

So sorry- you really don’t deserve this.  

I find the blank face of my formerly intelligent, animated LO is really triggering for me.

Faith,Hope,Love

My heart goes out to you Scooterr. 

My sister wrote something to me that I try to keep in mind.  She said, "As far as being hard on yourself, just remember nobody is perfect.  If you expect yourself to be perfect, eventually you will fail.  It's impossible to be perfect!  The best people try very hard to do the best they can and realize it won't be perfect - but it's the best they can do.  You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.  You need to see that things are not as bad as they could be --- because of all the loving things that you are able to do.  Think on those good things you do, try not to get stressed out, give yourself some pats on the back for the things you're doing that turn out well.  You deserve it!!"

I keep her little quote with me and read it when I feel I'm not doing a good job with my DH, or I get impatient or angry.  Maybe her little note to me can help you too.

toolbeltexpert

Scooterr I am so sorry, as you know I've been there and it feels terrible really no words to describe it. You had said that things were going worse and the losses your seeing are really moving fast like you said. I am starting to see that blank look in dw. It is so sad. Scooterr I think it's all the stuff and the in the moment, even though we know this isn't gonna be good we let it out on the one we love the most. You my friend are a great caregiver, hug your dw again for us all. My prayers continue for you both.

Jeff86

Forgive yourself, scooterr.  This disease is so relentless, the demands of caregiving are so endless, and the losses are so heart-breaking.   

I think it’s likely, too, that as bad as you feel, your DW has probably long forgotten the incident.  

AD is a marathon.   Some miles, you feel like you can’t go on.   But you do.

Ed1937

Scooterr, I know where you're coming from. A couple of months ago, I lost it badly for the first time. It is not a good feeling, and it doesn't go away quickly. But you have to remember that you have been under a lot of stress, and eventually something has to give. We are human. I feel bad for everyone who has to walk this road that seemingly never ends. I'm sorry.

Joydean

Scooterr, You didn’t do anything to your beloved wife or because of her. Yes, you are tired, you are more than frustrated. But more than anything you want and need your wife! But this da!n disease is taking her away and you want her back! It wasn’t even the mess from the freezer. It’s this helplessness that we are all feeling. You just keep holding on to her as long as possible. Be kind to yourself also, you know that’s what she would want. Prayers for you both.

Gig Harbor

Scooterr I have done the same thing. I have found myself feeling more angry and frustrated. It has not made me a very nice person. My daughter and friends suggested it is time for placement and I agreed. I have been doing everything for the last 10 years and I am tired and the work is getting harder. I found a lovely place for him and hopefully we will both thrive. He is bored at home and starting to get into everything whenever I leave the room for a few minutes. I will visit him often and take him for drives and walks but he will have a more active life and hopefully will make friends. You are under a tremendous amount of stress and every so often the pressure valve just flys off. She likely remembers it for only a short time so try to let it go and just look forward.

ImMaggieMae

Scooterr, I think most of us have been there during this horrible ordeal. My DH has been progressing way too quickly too. He was diagnosed with MCI in 2018, although I noticed little things a year or two before that. Things were sort of “normal” as far as carrying on conversations, getting together with friends, etc until last July/August when he mixed up some checks with the names where the amounts should have been, and missed a couple payments altogether. In mid August it was like someone flipped a switch. He threw good shoes and  slippers in the trash as well as good watches that didn’t work because the batteries were dead. He now can’t dress or undress himself, shower alone, often need help with feeding and has problems swallowing  He lives in Depends.

I’ve lost it several times, just like you. He has to be watched 24/7. The feelings on my part come out as anger and frustration. I sometimes want to shake him and tell him to ‘snap out of it’, or stop all this nonsense. The man I love is leaving me and there isn’t a thing he can do about it. There is still some of him in there but it’s hard to believe how different life is today than it was a year ago. I don’t know how some of the people here have survived being a caregiver for 8 years or 10 years or more. It’s hard not to blame them when they have no control over what is happening to them. How can they look so normal and not be the same?

He doesn’t always remember my name but he often tells me he loves me. Or holds my hand when we’re in bed and keeps repeating that he is scared, but can’t tell me what is scaring him. I just tell him that everything is ok, that tomorrow is going to be a good day. But the tears are rolling down my face in the dark. I am terrified.

60 falcon

I've lost it also. Don't beat yourself up too badly.

ButterflyWings

Scooterr - everyone said what I would say to you. It feels terrible but she likely has long since forgotten it. And, as you've heard, you are not the only one. Just Sunday I lost it and used words you probably didn't think of So not my nature, but my nature is changing with AD. It is getting so I not only don't recognize my LO sometimes, I don't even recognize myself. 

What triggered my mini-melt down? He swatted the asthma device out of my hands and the liquid spilled out. I've been burning the midnight oil and the candle at both ends lately trying to get a hold of his respiratory distress. So, his smackdown of the meds was the last straw. It was a shock because he can be confused, stubborn, immovable and mouthy but not usually anything physical. Here I am trying to save his life and he can barely catch his breath but has enough energy to tell me he's not doing that and knocking it out of my hand. 

Yes, I gave in to a little rant, yelled that he better not ever again yada yada, and he was un phased. DH looked at me like, "wonder what's wrong with her?" 

Funny, when I do get cranky at this dang disease hijacking my LOs brain and am fussing at all (at him, usually for not cooperating with something non-negotiable like meds, or changing wet unders, or not playing with poop tissue) I can leave the room and when I re-enter even immediately, DH tells me about the other lady that wasn't so nice and what she just said to him though he can't actually replay the conversation. What a blessing! He literally doesn't recognize that it was me. Interesting right? 

But it is hard on my spirit and blood pressure as you know, so I don't take advantage of that AD perk of instant forgetfulness and reassignment that he has. Take it easy on your self. Maggie said it - you miss your wife. And your life (together). And it gets the best of us some days. Please try to forget it. I'm sure she has. No harm done.

Scooterr

Thank you for listing to my vent, you guys are my medicine. I really have to think about posting my issues for some reason, I'm not sure why. I think sometimes, I can take on these problems myself then I fall apart. After I get my post out it's as if half my problems, issues, and stress leave my body. I know we're all suffering and have a lot of pain some more than others. I TRUELY THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

Ed1937

Scooterr, some of the people have mentioned that she probably forgot about it. Here's what happened with us. We were sitting at the dining room table when she took capsules out of her mouth, after me telling her not to do that. The dye was like paint. It was all over her hands, the table, her face, and her sweatshirt. I grabbed her glass of water, and threw it into the kitchen, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. A couple of days later, I found a piece of glass that I missed when cleaning it up. I mentioned to her that I was still finding pieces of the glass that I threw. She did not remember it at all, asking me when that happened. As bad as this was, I forgave myself. That's what we have to do when things like that happen.

toolbeltexpert

Scooterr I think when we confess our faults we are healed. At least that's my experience.  I think your a wise and dedicated caregiver.  I sometimes wish all of the caregivers here were neighbors.

Scooterr

toolbeltexpert wrote:

Scooterr I think when we confess our faults we are healed. At least that's my experience.  I think your a wise and dedicated caregiver.  I sometimes wish all of the caregivers here were neighbors.

 You know toolbelt, I'm with you it would be nice if sometimes caregivers were neighbors. I feel closer to the folks of this forum then I do most of my on family.

Scooterr

Ed1937 wrote:

Scooterr, some of the people have mentioned that she probably forgot about it. Here's what happened with us. We were sitting at the dining room table when she took capsules out of her mouth, after me telling her not to do that. The dye was like paint. It was all over her hands, the table, her face, and her sweatshirt. I grabbed her glass of water, and threw it into the kitchen, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. A couple of days later, I found a piece of glass that I missed when cleaning it up. I mentioned to her that I was still finding pieces of the glass that I threw. She did not remember it at all, asking me when that happened. As bad as this was, I forgave myself. That's what we have to do when things like that happen.

 Thank you Ed, I truly respect your wisdom, and admirer your strength and, optimism.

Scooterr

Ed1937 wrote:

Scooterr, some of the people have mentioned that she probably forgot about it. Here's what happened with us. We were sitting at the dining room table when she took capsules out of her mouth, after me telling her not to do that. The dye was like paint. It was all over her hands, the table, her face, and her sweatshirt. I grabbed her glass of water, and threw it into the kitchen, breaking it into hundreds of pieces. A couple of days later, I found a piece of glass that I missed when cleaning it up. I mentioned to her that I was still finding pieces of the glass that I threw. She did not remember it at all, asking me when that happened. As bad as this was, I forgave myself. That's what we have to do when things like that happen.

Thank you Ed, I truly respect your advise, and admirer your strength, and your optimism.

Kibbee

Scooterr -  you are just being human.  Everyone here is living through a stressful and difficult life situation, and we're all trying to keep it together and do the best we can.  Don't be too hard on yourself.   For every one moment of not so wonderful reaction, I am sure you have had many moments where you stepped up and handled the situation with calm compassion and patience.  

My goal is to behave with that calm compassion, but I have certainly had moments where my reactive behavior would not win me any nice person points.   After my initial reaction passed and the crisis had been dealt with, I reflected back on my reaction and I could see I was acting partly out of frustration over whatever DH was doing / not doing at that time,  But what was really underlying my reaction was fear.  Because in those moments DH's action / inaction brought his diminishing cognitive ability into sharp focus, and I got that immediate gut punch of fear of the unknown future.  How much worse is it going to get?  When?  Will I be able to continue to manage this on my own?  For how long?  All those questions come rushing in and sometimes that fear reaction comes out in ways that are less than helpful.  I know this and I have to actively work on it.  Most of the time I do manage to act with calm compassion, but when I fail, I try to take a deep breath, learn from it, keep it in perspective and move forward with a better frame of mind.  It is not easy - hang in there.

David J

Scooterr, we have all lost our temper with our loved ones. It happens when all of the little issues finally add up to too much to handle. That one last thing, or maybe the same thing too many times, lights the fuse and we blow. We feel lousy afterwards because we know it’s not their fault, and they don’t understand what just happened. But as others said, they will forget before you do. Don’t beat yourself up.

Paris20

Scooterr, please don’t beat yourself up. We all understand the overwhelming combination of frustration and sadness that comes to us caregivers every single day. What leaves us filled with guilt is forgotten in milliseconds by our LO. My husband cannot remember anything he or I have said or done for close to ten years. There’s good and bad in that.