PLEASE HELP!(2)

Irie811

My grandma has dementia. She was diagnosed by her primary and she needed to go to s specialist to see just how far along she is, needless to say she DOESN'T want to do that because she doesn't think anything is wrong with her... My dad and step mother who moved in with her to help her with bills since she only gets her ss. They are her main targets of her anger. Mostly my dad... She thinks he's stealing from her and hiding her stuff. I just don't understand why she would even think these things though. My dad has always been there to check on her and help her since my grandpa passed. He has a brother and sister but they live in other states so they really can't help much. My grandma calls everyone she can to talk bad my dad (which really hurts his feelings). We in our minds know she's sick but it still hurts to hear these things. I just feel like helpless!!! There is NOTHING I can do too make it better, make her go to the doctor, make her see how much my dad loves her and is trying to take care of her. Please help!!! What do we do????

M1

Welcome Irie, I am so sorry your family is dealing with this, it is always very difficult and painful.  If you read a lot of threads, you will learn a lot about common dementia behaviors and strategies for coping with them.  Your grandmother sounds like she has anosognosia (google it if you want), which is common--it's the inability to recognize that anything is wrong; she thinks she is fine.  From what you are describing, it also sounds like she is already pretty advanced--the anger, the refusal of help, and the delusions of people stealing from her, etc. are also pretty common.  If you Google tam cummings' Stages of dementia, you can get an idea of what behaviors show up at what stages.  She may need medication to help handle some of these, and you may have to lie to get her to the doctor--tell her things like it's required by Medicare or you'll lose your insurance, that's a common one.

Your parents may also benefit from looking at these message boards--encourage them to do so.  I'm sure you can help by trying to entertain and divert her, and staying with her so that your parents get breaks.  Hopefully they have power of attorney for her so that they can make decisions--that's not something that you can directly do anything about, but you can ask and tell them how important it is.

Good luck, there are lots of experienced folks here who are glad to listen and to try to help.

SusanB-dil

Hi Irie - welcome to 'here'...

Totally agree with M1 post.  MIL also has anosognosia - it is not denial, but the total inability to recognize there is any problem at all.  Maybe you could call her doc or the specialist and request an appt. Let the specialist know more of what is going on, and maybe they can call back your grandma and tell her she needs to come in. M1 has a suggestion I see often - tell her it is for insurance purposes.  There are medications that will calm down that agitation and anger.  To get to the correct dosage, it would be the specialist who would do that.

None of this is easy. And yes, the ability for reasoning is damaged, so there is no filter when our LO thinks someone is stealing or hiding things. Even though we know they can't help it, it is still very hurtful. Sorry your family is dealing with 'this', but know you are not alone.

toolbeltexpert

Irie someone had posted a link to a pdf about understanding Dementia. If you Google this

 Understanding the Dementia Experience

by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, B.A., R.N., M.Sc.N.

I found it very helpful.

mommyandme (m&m)

Glad you came here but also so sorry! Great comments and suggestions already from these wise people. This forum is a lifeline for me. 

The accusations from our LOs are so painful. I find this commonality with dementia patients so strange. Seems like this stage is inevitable and it does hurt.  Like how can my mother think I would not love and care for her cats or my own pets, for that matter, after all she’s the one that instilled the love of animals in me. I would never purposefully harm them. How can she say such things to me or become so angry?  I would never steal her purse or her flashlight, geesh!  My mom would also try to “tell” on me, still does but not very often. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, this stage will pass, only to make room for new challenges and pain. 

IMO, this stupid disease breaks down everyone involved one way or another.  You and yours are not alone. Just being a sounding board for your dad and grandma may help. I find myself having to just listen and empathize and apologize a lot, even though I know I’m not at fault. You are really helping your dad by coming here to get support and learn.  He’s fortunate to have you on his team.  He needs a lot of support, as you all do. Your lives are just as fragile and important as your grandmas, if not more.  Please keep coming back with questions and concerns. I hope your dad and step-mom can find time to join us too. Again I’m so sorry for your pain and anguish.  Please keep in touch. 

Here’s the link: http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Sometimes what helps me when my mom accuses me of taking her things, is to accept responsibility and then offer to help look for it or make up a story when whatever she says is gone is "missing." Something like "oh, I'm so sorry! You really miss that huh? I thought you were done, I should have asked. I'll remember for next time. Would you like to help me go look for it?" and then while "looking" either find the object she says is missing or distract her with something else, like snacks, her favorite TV show. That can help with the minor things.

I highly suggest getting grandma on some medicine to help calm her down. There's no shame needing medication if it's what will help. Your grandma seems very stressed out and your family is also. A fiblet–a white lie sort of to help redirect– is probably what will help get her in to the doctor. Others have suggested it's part of her health insurance and has to go in for that. You can also try and just say it's just a routine check up and inform the staff at the office about her coming in for a diagnosis under the guise of that fiblet. This has worked for others.

My mom usually does her doctor things with my older sister, mom's current "favorite," so she is more agreeable when we need to go if my sister is the one to take her.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this! It's tough on everyone, don't feel bad. Continue to poke around on the site for more information and do continue to to keep reaching out! 

NuttyProfessor

I'm so glad I found this forum - the tips on this one thread are so helpful!  It's so reassuring to know you're not the only one, being treated badly by the person with dementia is sort of par for the course.  It used to really hurt to hear the accusations, but now I just say "You're right Mom, I'm so sorry" and move on past.

First order of business is to identify and avoid "triggers" that set your grandmother off.  It can be something as simple as too many people talking at once, or people holding conversations within her hearing but not involving her, or discussions about sensitive subjects like finances or her needing help.   Never contradict the person or argue.  Get very good at this phrase:  "You're right Mom, I'm so sorry.  I won't mention/do this again."  Lie as necessary.  Simplifying & decluttering helps too.  Your grandmother may be frustrated by the clutter & mess introduced by her new housemates, for example.

It sounds like meds will still be needed, but until your grandma can get to a doctor, trigger avoidance is the best weapon you have.

Mon411

Irie, I so feel for you. It's extremely painful when those we've loved our whole lives change in front of us. Your father definitely needs your support. He is dealing with losing his mother in ways he never dreamed. I can completely empathize with the hurt he must obviously feel when accused of hurting his mother.

There's not much that helps with that, except finding a venue to share with. Sharing can also be a challenge, so he's probably going through lots of difficulties right now.

One thing I have taken from this site, her mind is broken, what she knows isn't real, but it is real to her. I have to remind myself of that a lot daily. Be there for your dad, be there for your Grandma, as best you can, and try to find the laughter in it.

When I distance from my loved ones, I feel worse. When I even just text and mention something about where my mother is, we laugh. It may seem dark, but it really helps. Wishing you the best.